Posts Tagged ‘owner’

This is me if KG becomes the owner. Photo from lesterslegends.com

Great Sam Cassell’s head!  Kevin Garnett wants to buy the Wolves!

This must be what it’s like to dream of a fancy new step-dad.  Your current lame-ass dad likes to wear Cosby sweaters, forces you to mow the backyard for $1 a pop and keeps the house just together enough that it doesn’t get condemned.  Until Fancy New Step-Dad shows up.  He kicks Old Dad out and buys everybody an Escalade.  He hangs out with Jay Z and screams like a Braveheart warrior every time he eats a hamburger.  He’s perfect and makes everybody happy until the end of time.

These are only a few of the sky-high expectations I have for KG.  I know, it’s not realistic.  We don’t even know if he’d be a good owner type.  Look at some of the former NBA players who’ve made it into the front office:

  • Isiah Thomas – Destroyed teams from the inside out.  Basically was a more innocent-looking Clarence Thomas in short-shorts.  Shouldn’t advise a fork.
  • Larry Bird – Great front office guy with Indiana.  Uglier than Tom Petty.  Shorter shorts than Isiah.
  • Michael Jordan – Not a great owner, but everybody’s afraid to tell him.  Only a matter of time before he loses the team from a card game in Thailand.  Drafted Kwame Brown #1 in the draft.  (Read that last one 20 times.)
  • Michael Beasley – I believe he runs the 76ers.

It’s a messy, unpredictable transition, but who cares?  For all the bitching I’ve done on this blog, from the Kevin Love chicanery to the 500 injuries to human salamander David Kahn, no one is more responsible for our decade long irrelevance than owner Glen Taylor.  You can put all the spinning Sprewell rims on the car you want, but at it’s core it’s still a Dodge Omni full of mothballs.  Kevin Garnett is the weird new fancy hybrid car that runs on the pain of bitches and snitches.  It might catch fire and burn the garage down.  Or it might spew champagne from the radio right into your mouth, suckas!  I’m gonna go with blind, irrational optimism.  After all, I’m a Timberwolves fan.  MR. TAYLOR, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL AND GIVE KG THE TEAM!

We play the Pelicans tonight in the Big Easy.  This game hits a little close to home for me, because I’m on the road, forgot my razor and have a huge, freaky Anthony Davis unibrow.  Go Wolves!

Rumor has it that Flip Saunders could be the next GM of the Minnesota Timberwolves, replacing David Kahn this summer.

“Oh no,” many Timberwolves fans might gasp.  “Flip Saunders is an ineffective idiot with a dumb name and a stupid face!”

What?  Are you paying attention?  Forget the line about Flip Saunders.  Focus on the “replacing David Kahn” part.  Ding-dong, the worst GM in the history of the NBA is almost dead.  It’s pathetic that as Timberwolves fans we’ve been relegated to “lesser of the evils” scenarios, but anybody is better than David Kahn as GM.  Anybody.  Kwame Brown, Michael Jackson’s doctor, James Worthy’s prostitute, James Worthy’s prostitute’s doctor.  Anybody!

David Kahn called this man "Manna From Heaven."  Photo from thethirdcity.org

David Kahn called this man “Manna From Heaven.” Photo from thethirdcity.org

Flip wasn’t the best coach in the world.  But he was there for the golden Kevin Garnett years.  Maybe this is what it’s come to?  The Timberwolves are an old maid who passed on too many suitors as a young lass.  And now we’re middle-aged and flabby, calling old flames trying to rekindle past romances.

“Hey baby, remember when we went to the Western Conference Finals?  And then lost.  And then illegally signed Joe Smith and lost our draft picks for five years when we got caught?  That wasn’t so bad, was it?  I’m at the Super 8 by the off-track betting if you’re interested.  Bring some pull-tabs!”

All I care about at this point is that we get rid of David Kahn and we keep the team in Minnesota.  I can deal with everything else.  I can deal with 25 win seasons being our best in years.  I can live with Kevin Love leaving.  I’m okay with only arctic Inuits signing with us because everybody’s afraid of our winters.  The only thing I can’t stomach is the Seattle Timberwolves. 

We just lost to the Miami Heat, who have now won 15 in a row.  That’s neat.  Next up we play the Washington Wizards on Wednesday at home.  Only 25 games to go!

Make it stop.