Posts Tagged ‘philadelphia 76ers’

unfun

Photo from rebloggy.com

I thought this would feel different.  I thought when the Wolves were finally in the playoff race for the first time since “Friends” got cancelled that I would be over the moon, like during KG’s return home game or when Burger King started selling Lucky Charm’s milkshakes.  Instead, I feel confused, conflicted and slightly lackadaisical, like I do after three Lucky Charms milkshakes.

Canis Hoopus posted a great article about how to enjoy the Timberwolves this season.  It was helpful, but I think they slightly underestimated how unfun the Wolves have been to watch this year.  Technically, at 16-11, we are getting the job done.  But it has been ugly and painful like a dentist who jabbed the Novocaine into your forehead, but still got your wisdom teeth out, then, for no apparent reason, made the dental technicians stay until midnight.

It’s kind of jarring to go from losing with the flash of Ricky Rubio and Zach LaVine to winning with…what?  Memphis 2.0?  We’re more Shit ‘N Blind than Grit ‘N Grind.  We’re not particularly good at anything as a team, but our top players are just so individually good that we can fluke our way into a win if the team’s top player is out for the night.  Which seems to be a trend.  Either Aaron Brooks’ actual purpose on this team is to Tanya Harding everybody’s knees before the game or else nobody is scared of us, because it feels like the last superstar we played against was Isiah Thomas.  The short pants one.

Here are some ideas that could help make our team fun to watch again:

  • Attach sleigh bells to Jeff Teague.  This will serve a double purpose by not only ringing in the Holiday Spirit to the team, but alerting Jeff that he should pass the ball after 2-3 jingles instead of the whole damn song.
  • Allow fans to punch Cole Aldrich in the face when we are frustrated.  It’s not personal.  He’s already missing teeth, he never plays and he’s making a ton of money.  Serve a greater purpose, Cole.
  • Instead of giving fans Cherry Berry when the opposing team misses two free throws in a row, give it to Thibs on the sideline and zoom in on the jumbotron until he gets brain freeze.  I’m too lazy to redeem that ice cream anyway and I’ve always wanted to know what a constipated rhino looks like.
  • Jimmy Butler karaoke at halftime.  Only Hootie songs.
  • Spectacular injuries.  How much drama did the Gordon Hayward injury add to the Celtics year?  I’m not saying any players should do this.  I’m thinking assistant coach Rick Brunson could perhaps get hit in the face with Crunch’s t-shirt gun and get carted off before returning Willis Reed style.  We get some much needed drama.  He gets some attention and a free shirt.  Win-win!
  • Stop losing to shit teams.

Next up we play the Philadelphia 76ers at home on Tuesday.  Aaron Brooks will have the night off from wacking knees because according to my sources half the team just fell into a swimming pool and broke their pelvises.

GO WOLVES!

Photo from wikia.nocookie.net

Photo from wikia.nocookie.net

“And with the #1 Pick in the NBA Draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…”

Those are words that have never been said.  Officially.  I’ve said them outloud.  I said them 57 times yesterday.  I’m saying them right now while throwing confetti and giggling to myself as I type this.  Saying the Timberwolves have the #1 pick was about as much of a reality as pancakes being president.

Until yesterday.

Long live President Pancakes, because the MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES HAVE THE #1 PICK IN THE NBA DRAFT!

Who do we pick?  Do we take Jahlil Okafor?  Do we trade down and get D’Angelo Russell and another player?  What about that weird Eastern European guy whose name sounds like Portishead?  ARE YOU NUTS?!  We take Karl-Anthony Towns ten times out of ten. If Karl-Anthony Towns loses a leg, decides that Royce White is his spiritual advisor and insists on dressing like George Washington we STILL TAKE KARL-ANTHONY TOWNS!  Why?  I’m not Zach Lowe, but it’s pretty simple.  There are two potential franchise big men in the draft.  One is good at defense (Towns) and one guards the rim about as well as a Pomeranian guards a skyscraper (Okafor).  We are bad at defense.  Boom.  Towns!

Also, there’s this:

You had me at the quotation mark.

You had me at quotation marks.  Us Minnesotans are used to being shit on and snickered at.  This dude, whether he means it or not, just said all the right things.  He’s already fitting right in with Minnesotans.  Be super polite at first, push your pain and hatred deep down and then explode in uncontrollable rage seven years down the line.  THAT’S how we do it in Bunyon Town.

Now Flip just needs to draft the right player.  Minnesota has never drafted the wrong player before, right?  Who’s Steph Curry?  Never heard of him.

See you all on June 25th for the draft!

Great Drunk Dirk Nowitzki, how did we lose to such a turdcan of a team?!  I could have pooled together 12 random people from the DMV and beaten the Sixers.  They were 0-17 coming in and possibly the most atrocious collaboration of humans since the Metallica/Lou Reed album.

Nobody even really knows who these guys are.  Who is this team and how could they possibly have beat anybody at all?  Let’s take a closer look at the 2014-15 Sixers line-up:

Point guard: Michael Carter-Williams –

He’s okay.

Philadelphia 76ers Media Day

Shooting guard: Anthony “Cracker Hands” Giavanni –

Tiny & violent.  Giavanni has recorded a league high 85 technicals from outbursts and attempted bribes.  His signature move is throwing a flask at the defense’s face and granny-shotting the ball into the stands.  Last seen running hooch on the corner of Hindenburg & Malarkey.

Al-Capone-9237536-2-402

Small forward: Hip-Hop, the 76ers mascot –

Hip-Hop is technically 95% blind in his rat costume and glasses, yet his trampoline dunk is incredibly difficult to block.

hiphopx500

Power forward: Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot –

Like most Heat fans, Burnie didn’t want to stick around after LeBron James left.

heat

Center: Nerlens “Narwhal” Noel –

While a great talent, Noel has missed the last five games after accidentally glueing his hands to his head.

Nerlens-Noel-Thaddeus-Young

Sixth man: A frightened, falling, elderly Paul McCartney –

paul-mccartney

This is the team that beat us.  It’s going to be a long rebuilding process.  Hopefully we’ll sign the Jazz mascot next year.  That thing looks like Teen Wolf.

Next up we play…ah, who cares.  We’re going to lose.

Anthony Bennett as depicted by Asian Pixar earlier this summer.  Photo from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uVIOjsZ-s0

Anthony Bennett as depicted by Asian Pixar. Photo from youtube.com/watch?v=2uVIOjsZ-s0

There are two thoughts that always give me comfort:

One: That there are still current NBA players older than me. (God bless you, Steve Nash.)

Two: That I’m less fat than Anthony Bennett.

Well damnit, AB screwed it all up and got into shape.  What am I supposed to do now?!  Soon Nash will retire to Canada and his $20,000,000 maple tree mansion and I’ll just be old and floppy.  Can we force Oliver Miller out of retirement?  Thanks Tony, now I can’t eat these Gummy Bear pancakes just because you decided to fulfill your potential.

However, if last night is any indication of how AB’s destiny is going to pan out, we’re in good shape ourselves.  Bennett scored 13 points and grabbed eight rebounds in just under 25 minutes of play in his Timberwolves preseason debut.  He threw down a couple thunderous dunks, had a killer spin move and did not once try and order a mashed potato pizza or eat JJ Barea.  (We would have allowed it.)

I wouldn’t be a true Minnesotan if doubt and pessimism didn’t creep back in.  This is only one preseason game.  People get lucky.  I’m sure Kwame Brown has had accidentally good games before.  Human Ent Manute Bol once hit six three pointers in a one half.  I won $100 in a Cap’n Crunch box in 6th grade (and spent it on a basketball, a Bell Biv Devoe tape, a Risk board game that I played by myself because I had no friends and the rest on Twix candy bars.  I haven’t won a damn thing since.)  And after all, we were playing the lowly 76ers without Joel Embiid, Noel Nerlens and Michael Carter-Williams, which officially puts them at 7th grade recess level, if the kids had never played basketball before and were all napping.

But screw it!  This is the season of unfamiliar optimism.  We have no players pushing their way out (knock on wood, knock on wood), our bench is actually way better than last year, we have potentially limitless Rubioops to Andrew Wiggins and Anthony Bennett is currently not strapped to a custard/jelly donut dialysis machine.  He may not be the next Karl Malone, but he might just live up to that #1 pick status after all.

AH SHIT!  I can’t write an article and not be pissy about something!  It feels so weird!  I hate JJ!  My taco doesn’t have enough sauce!  Glen Taylor hates puppies and thinks that Croatians aren’t people!  Phew, that’s better.  Now I’m ready to watch a Timberwolves season.

Go Wolves!

MNrise

This is not an anti-Kevin Love post.

I’ve focused so much mental energy on that man.  I wrote blog after angry blog cursing him out.  I begged him to stay.  I even made a video about Minnesotans being too nice to burn his jersey.

But I’m done complaining. Kevin Love is gone and what we got back is probably the best haul for a superstar forcing his way out, ever:

Andrew Wiggins: Holy Moses Malone, we got Wiggins!  I’ve been so worried for the past month that we’d screw it up or that the league would veto the trade.  But it actually worked out and we now have arguably (and that’s a big arguably) the most touted talent since LeBron James joining our team.  And he’s Canadian!  People always bitch about our cold weather, but that’s nothing to a Canuck!  Minnesota winters are Fiji to them!  And we live close enough that we can import poutine and Tim Horton’s relatively cheaply to make him happy.  The dude is chill and smiley and just wants to be on a team that wants him.  Well guess what, Andrew?  Minnesota wants you!  We’re desperate and friendly and we’ll take you to our cabins up north to make you feel less homesick. Seriously, if you’d have told me a year ago that we’d have Andrew Freakin’ Wiggins right now I’d have punched you in the throat and demanded to know who sent you. But now, like KG said: “Anything is possible!”  Let’s get Kevin Durant in 2016 and then maybe an android version of 1996 Scottie Pippen!  Our starting center can be Bowser from Mario Kart!

Anthony Bennett: Okay, let’s be honest: Anthony Bennett had literally the worst season ever for a #1 overall pick last year. Like Nicki Minaj singing the national anthem and changing it to about butts bad.  It’s not even worth going into Bennett’s stats.  My high school varsity b-ball stats were better and I only scored two points total and even I was surprised the ball went in. However, there are reports all over the league that he’s really gotten into shape and is actually trying and doing pretty well in the summer league. If the fat kid from Teen Wolf can get better, then a former #1 player can too.  Oh, and he’s also Canadian!  Share the maple leafs, Wiggins, you got a Mountie buddy!

Thaddeus Young: I actually don’t know much about Thaddeus Young.  I know he averaged 17ppg last year and everybody from Philly seemed to love him. More importantly, his name is incredible. Thaddeus sounds like the name an alien overlord would give himself to try to blend in and be more likeable.  And according to Wikipedia, it’s the 611th most popular male name in America. (#610 is “Boy”.) But hey, Overlord Gladius Thaddeus will likely be our new starting PF and he has a reputation for NOT complaining, so count me in!

Throw these three fellas names in with other newcomers to our team like Zach Lavine and Mo Williams, then mix ’em up with our carry-over players like Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Kevin Martin, Corey Brewer, Chase Budinger, Gorgui Dieng and even Shabazz Muhammad and we’ve got a pretty dang good team.

Maybe not playoffs good yet, but hey…why start now?

Photo from inflexwetrust.com

Photo from inflexwetrust.com

The NBA Draft will be held on June 26 and while it’s widely considered the deepest draft in ten years, there are still many question marks about who will go where and in what order.  I’m here to help.

Here are the top 14 picks and (with 100% certainty) the way the picks will go:

#1) Cleveland Cavaliers – Joel Embiid, C, Kansas

As a Minnesota Timberwolves fan I can’t talk too much trash about bad drafting, but holy cow did they crap the bed last year. Anthony Bennett is the fifth #1 pick since 1988 to not make the All-Rookie team (the others: Peanut brittle tough Elijah Price clones Greg Oden and Danny Manning as well as flat-out flops “Never Nervous” Pervis Ellison and Kwame “Jordan’s Bitch” Brown.) Even Michael Olowokandi made the All-Rookie 2nd team!  My prediction: The Cavs, being stupid and superstitious, will freak out about drafting two Canadians in a row and pass on Andrew Wiggins, taking Embiid.  Or they trade the pick altogether and swap it for Kevin Love.  Either way, they’ll still be the Cavs. 

#2) Milwaukee Bucks – Andrew Wiggins, SF/SG, Kansas

Schlemeel, schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated! So Wisconsin isn’t exactly a sexy destination for Andrew Wiggins.  But did you see the owner’s daughter at the draft!? Oshkosh B’gosh!  If I were Milwaukee, I’d dowry up that chick to Andrew faster than a Laverne & Shirley assembly line.  Riggin’ for Wiggins indeed!  Besides, I saw creepy-ass Nate Wolters making moves on her, so you better lock that shit down!

"Oh hi Mallory, I was wondering if you wanted to look at my antique turtle shell collection? It's quite sensual." Photo from pictures.zimbio.com

“Oh hi Mallory, this is the face I make when I’m in my human-sized turtle shell. Wanna race?” Photo from pictures.zimbio.com

#3) Philadelphia 76ers – Jabari Parker, SF, Duke

Whoever gets picked here better be good, because Dr. J looked like he wanted to strangle the world with Earl The Pearl’s neck chain.

Making Dr. Kevorkian seem like a better option. Photo from http://larrybrownsports.com

Making Dr. Kevorkian seem like a better option. Photo from http://larrybrownsports.com

#4) Orlando Magic – Dante Exum, PG/SG, Australia

How do we know this guy is even any good?  Has anyone ever seen Australia basketball before?  For all we know he punts wallabies into baskets of Vegemite stacked on-top of prison colony watchtowers. “Aye mate, that’s Australian rules basketball!  Now take the zip-line koala to the Outback before the didgeridoo buzzer goes off! AC/DC!”

#5) Utah Jazz – Elfrid Payton, PG, Louisiana-Lafayette

Honestly, most mock drafts didn’t have this guy going higher than #29, but there’s nothing Utah loves more than a person with a stupid name.  And since Dante Exum is gone and there’s nobody in the draft named Wealtho McRomney, then Elfrid it is!  Sorry, Kristaps Porzingis.  You were so close. (Real pick: Noah Vonleh, PF, Indiana)

#6) Boston Celtics – Julius Randle, PF, Kentucky

I checked.  Julius Randle has no prior record of cocaine use.  Go for it, Boston!

#7) Los Angeles Lakers – Marcus Smart, PG, Oklahoma State

Jack Nicholson’s started going to Clippers’ games.  Better make it a good one, LA.  Tick-tock, bitches.

#8) Sacramento Kings – Aaron Gordon, PF, Arizona

I appreciate any team that makes my Timberwolves seem any less depressing. When the brightest spot in a decade is that your team didn’t literally pack up and move to another town, you are possibly in trouble.  But yeah, I’m sure drafting a dude named Aaron will fix everything.

#9) Charlotte Hornets – White guy

#10) Philadelphia 76ers – White guy

#11) Denver Nuggets – James Young, SF/SG, Kentucky

I spent some time in Colorado recently and it’s impossible to breathe there.  I can’t believe that it’s legal for a team in the mountains to have a home game.  God help the league if they ever draft a Kenyan.  James Young sounds pretty American, so it’s cool for now.

#12) Orlando Magic – Rodney Hood, SF, Duke

Am I the only person who thinks that Rodney Hood sounds like Robin Hood’s lousy younger brother that went to Duke?  “Hi, I’m Rodney Hood.  I steal from the rich and give to Christian Laettner.  He’s very lonely.”

#13) Minnesota Timberwolves – Nik Stauskas, SG, Michigan

Hey Kevin Love!  Unpack your bags!  Nik Stauskas is coming!  *self-inflicted gunshot*

#14) Phoenix Suns – Jusuf Nurkic, C, Bosnia

LESSON #1 for Jusuf Nurkic in the NBA.  YOU MUST WEAR PANTS!!!  A basketball is not enough to cover your junk!

"Get Real, Jusuf. The ball doesn't need to be THAT far out." Photo from cdn.fansided.com

“Uh, Jusuf? The ball doesn’t need to be THAT far out.” Photo from cdn.fansided.com

So those are my picks. If the 14 lottery teams just take my advice and pick exactly like I say, none of them will ever be in the draft ever again.  You’re welcome, NBA.

If Robbie Hummel weren’t a basketball player, he would totally work in HR.

I’ll admit, I’ve never had a real/non-performing job in my life and I’m probably basing this on “The Office”, but he just doesn’t look like a guy who would be doing anything other than methodically jotting down notes for a living while wearing a perfect pair of Dockers.  But who gives a shit, because Robbie came through big time last night. Not only did he have ten points in the fourth quarter, including a big three that started a run, but he defended his league-leading “Wait, is Chase Budinger back already?  Oh, that’s Robbie Hummel” stat to 17 games.

Robbie Hummel holding Chase Budinger's jersey. Photo from howlintwolf.com

Robbie Hummel holding Chase Budinger’s jersey. Photo from howlintwolf.com

Things didn’t look good out of the gate as the Timberwolves were down by 19 in the first quarter.  The first quarter!  That’s our quarter!  That’s like beating Miley Cyrus in a discolored tongue contest.  And it’s sure not supposed to happen with a Michael Carter-Williams-less 76ers.  Not only is that way too many hyphens for one man but the Sixers were supposed to challenge the worst record ever WITH a Michael Carter-Williams-ful-esque team.

If you’re reading this, you probably already know the outcome of the game.  I’m not Zach Lowe.  We came back and won.  Balls went in, hoops went woosh, Ricky Rubio went twirly-doo.  The most important thing is that we are back to .500 again, which puts us at 57th in the West.  Movin’ on up!

Next up, we play the San Antonio Spurs on the road in Texas, which is actually closer than our last cancelled “home” game against them in Mexico.  I haven’t checked the schedule, but I think our next game after that is a home game in the North Pole followed by an away game in Memphis with a lay-over in Helsinki.

Go Wolves!