Posts Tagged ‘russell westbrook’

kat

You made his cat sad. Photo from nbacatwatch.com

There’s been some¬†vicious snubs in the world lately. ¬†Donald Trump’s replacement pick for National Security Advisor turned him down¬†because he doesn’t know anybody from Russia. ¬†People¬†flipped out that Adele beat Beyonce because everybody forgot that¬†the Grammys are a steaming pile of manatee poop and¬†mean about as much as a Hug Award from your mom. ¬†My¬†body said no to me just now when I tried to¬†go for a jog because I run like a duck and gummy bears are not a good warm-up snack.

But no snub is more vicious than Karl-Anthony Towns being left off the 2017 NBA All-Star team. ¬†What does a bitch have to do?! ¬†He’s averaging 23.7 ppg, 11.8 rpg, 2.9 asp, 1.4 bpg and has¬†the third best smile in the league after fellow Timberwolf Andrew Wiggins and former Timberwolf Corey Brewer. ¬†(Most underrated smile is Tom Thibodeau’s, which comes out as often as Punxsutawney Phil the Groundhog, but looks like a drunken badger that just discovered Scientology.)

Who are all these chumps that got the nod over Towns? ¬†Allow me to go through the list and break down why they don’t deserve it. ¬†I’m only going to go through the Western Conference because 1) Towns plays in the West¬†and 2) Literally anybody¬†who can dribble in a straight line and doesn’t have 4 DUIs gets into the All-Star Game in the East. ¬†Kurt Rambis is playing in the East. ¬†Fuck the East.

Stephen Curry – If Stephen Curry is so hot then why was he drafted after Ricky Rubio and Jonny Flynn, huh? ¬†Overrated! ¬†You’ll always just be Dell Curry’s son to me!

James Harden – Has anybody bothered to ask why James Harden’s beard is so big? ¬†I’ll tell you: PEDs. ¬†He hides PEDs in his beard during games and when he does that little “mix it up” pantomine after scoring points he’s literally mixing up his meds. ¬†Illegal!

Kevin Durant – I don’t know if I can even talk about Kevin Durant in the West because if the East wins he’ll just go over there next year.

Kawhi Leonard – Kawhi Leonard is not a real person. ¬†He’s an emotionless robot created by Gregg Popovich using spare salsa he found in Texas for organic matter and the extra “Gs” in Gregg’s stupid first name. ¬†SHOULD NOT PLAY.

Anthony Davis – Anthony Davis looks like the kind of guy who’d have really wet palms. ¬†Just a creepy dude standing in the corner with his (literally) trademarked unibrow getting everything slimy with his disgusting swamp hands. ¬†It makes the balls greasy and¬†unusable.

Russell Westbrook – This man is a danger to everything and everyone around him. ¬†If you thought Anthony Davis was creepy, wait until you see Westbrook’s “Silence Of The Lambs” dungeon where he keeps and tortures all the people who looked at him sideways or cut him off in traffic or stole his Urkel glasses. ¬†Unsafe!

Klay Thompson – I hate Klay Thompson’s stupid face so much. ¬†It looks like the thing they lay terrorists on when they waterboard them. ¬†He looks like Screech if his dad were rich. ¬†So what, you can shoot threes. ¬†I saw Manute Bol hit six threes once. ¬†You ain’t special!

Gordon Hayward – Who?

DeMarcus Cousins – I¬†actually think DeMarcus Cousins might physically track me down and hurt me if I write something here so I’m leaving it blank.

DeAndre Jordan – Really? ¬†We’re letting insurance salesmen in now?

Marc Gasol – Token European.

Draymond Green – Draymond Green is 100% an All-Star of kicking people in the balls. ¬†He’s that punk from Duke if he were somehow less likeable than Duke.

None of you are better than Karl-Anthony Towns!  KAT is Michael Jordan mixed with Hakeem Olajuwon mixed with Megan Fox and BBQ chicken with extra BBQ.  I have issues!

Next up the Wolves play Dallas in Minneapolis on the Friday after the All-Star break.  KAT WILL PLAY THE MAVS 1-ON-12 AND WIN!!!

GO WOLVES!

JJ Barea, you sweet little Puerto Rican prince, you!

Okay, okay…I’m a hypocrite.¬† Barea’s made me curse more times than Christian Bale at a sound guy convention.¬† When he bounces around like a pinball in the lane I just want to shake him and yell “You’re 4’2″!¬† What are you doing!¬† You should be a jockey!”

But holy moley, did he vindicate himself last night.  14 of his 18 points came in the fourth quarter, including two threes in a row.  Against the best team in the NBA.  Who were riding a 12 game winning streak.

So congratulations, Jose Juan Barea…I award you with my “Favorite Timberwolf of the Week Award.”

This award entitles you to a few gifts:

1) A week’s worth of unlimited shoulder rides.¬† (You’ll finally see the world!)

2)  $5 gift card to Chipotle.

3) One free Middle Age warrior tattoo (Sorry, Pekovic has had this award for a while now.  Tattoo will also be done prison-style by me, with a pen.)

All of these wonderful gifts are yours, pending your signing of my handwritten document swearing that you will never make a stupid basketball mistake again.  In the event of said mistake, I am then entitled to:

1) A week’s worth of unlimited shoulder rides from you.¬† (Suck it up, Tiny…you’re a pro athlete!)

2) One free hug from your wife, Miss Universe Zuleyka Rivera.

3) Another longer, more heartfelt hug from your wife.

That said, how amazing is it that we beat Oklahoma City on national television?¬† This was the first time the Wolves have been on TNT in SIX YEARS!¬† The world was a different place!¬† The economy was still fine as far as we knew it, smart phones were just a glimmer in Steve Jobs super-villain eyes and I lived in a shit-hole hovel that couldn’t convince an IHOP waitress to come over, much less Miss Universe Zuleyka Rivera.¬† (Don’t mess up, JJ.)

I think I know why we beat them.¬† Partially it was the combo of Kevin Love’s big game, JJ’s fourth quarter heroics and Pekovic’s slap-down of Serge Ibaka.¬† But really, it was because the Thunder wore their dark-blue alternate jerseys last night.¬† Alternate jerseys, a clever ploy by the NBA to up sales, are cursed.¬† Look no further than our own ill-fated Muskies jerseys from last year.¬† Not only did we lose most of our games wearing those god-awful rags, but Ricky Rubio went down for the season in one.¬† I’d rather see a crowd of screaming Deliverance extras burning an effigy of me on my front lawn than see these jerseys again.

I'd rather see a crowd of screaming people burning an effigy of me on my front lawn than these jerseys again.  Photo from heythatsmine-bigd.blogspot.com

Let us never speak of them again. Photo from heythatsmine-bigd.blogspot.com

I really like the Oklahoma City Thunder.¬† They’re young, out-of-this-world talented and have a stellar attitude.¬† And they’re from a small market that has a ravenous fan-base.¬† They’re like the San Antonio Spurs, if they didn’t make you want to eat your own face out of sheer boredom.

But today?¬† Suck it, Thunder!¬† Oh, Kevin Martin was hurt?¬† You really going to talk to the Minnesota Timberwolves about injuries?¬† We are the most injured team in the history of the NBA. Rick Adelman considered hiring a necromancer to conjure George Mikan’s bones from the grave.¬† Our center for a week was a cardboard cut-out of Jared from Subway.¬† We won!

Next up is another super tough team.¬† We play the New York Knicks and a guy named after a candy bar.¬† Fortunately, Rick Adelman is a big fan of my blog.¬† Yo Rick, I know how we beat these guys.¬† Before the game, have JJ roll into the NY locker room like Sonic the Hedgehog and swap out their jerseys with the Muskies ones.¬† We will win by a minimum of 45 points.¬† You’re welcome.¬† Yes, I’ll consider assistant coach duties.