Posts Tagged ‘sacramento kings’

sweet-care-bear

Dear Ricky Rubio,

In my last blog I said that it was time to trade you.  I didn’t mean it.  I mean, I meant it for like three days.  But three days in six years isn’t that big of a deal.  One time in college I lost my mind and thought I liked The Counting Crows for a week.  Mistakes were made.  Sometimes I get depressed and forget what’s real and if white people with dreads is a good idea.

I’m firmly back on the Ricky Rubio Is Embodiment Of The Minnesota Timberwolves Train.  That’s a compliment, if you’re wondering.  You’re not perfect.  But who is?  The greatest team in the history of the NBA was the Chicago Bulls and they did it with Luc Longley and Bill Cartwright, a Judge Reinhold lookalike and a man who I believe was physically incapable of bending his elbows, respectively.

You’ve been playing like the Ricky of old the last half dozen games, and we’re starting to show signs of life.  Somehow, we are only three games behind the #8 spot in the playoff race.  I don’t know how that is even possible.  It feels about as deserving as Hayden Christensen getting for an Oscar for his “I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere” scene as Anakin Skywalker. But I’ll take it!

I don’t care that you can’t shoot.  I can’t cook or fix things around the house or perform basic adult functions but my wife lets me stay married to her.  What kind of hypocrite would I be for blaming you for doing just one thing badly?  Hell, you still TRY and shoot at least.  I have not attempted to clear the gutters due to my deathly fear of ladders and the squishy hill by the garage that certainly has a hidden ninja dog poop that I’d fall onto.

So brick away, Ricky.  You have my blessing.  Throw up shots that risk hitting the nosebleed section more than the rim.  You’re amazing at assists, steals and looking like a Hatchimal.  I love you.  Minnesota loves you.

Stay gold, Ponyboy.

Love,

Mike Brody

Next up we play the Kings at home on Friday.  Let’s try and limit DeMarcus Cousins to only 54 points and four ejections.

 

Things started off so well.  After a 20-3 lead in the first quarter against the Grizzlies, I all but anointed us the new superpower in the West.  We were going to topple the Golden State Warriors in the Western Conference Finals and then sweep the Cavs in a series that without doubt would make LeBron James start checking out homes in Plymouth next to Cole Aldrich’s duplex.  Karl-Anthony Towns was on his way to a 51 point night, Andrew Wiggins would become meaner than KG at Carmelo and La La Anthony’s anniversary party and Kris Dunn and Ricky Rubio would sign a blood pact to work together forever and have 100 assists per game until 2030.

Then we got Wolvesy.

Towns stopped scoring, Wiggins missed free throws that a real mean person would have made and Ricky’s shot almost missed the backboard, which is actually a slight improvement for him.  Did I miss the memo about the Grizzlies hitting threes all of a sudden?  The Grizzlies don’t shoot threes!  That’s like Bowser suddenly being the fastest accelerator in Mario Kart.  These are not the rules we agreed upon!  Bowser’s fat ass takes forever to get going, nobody gets to be Odd Job in Goldeneye and the Memphis Grizzlies are plodding, bulbous sea-cows who don’t hit anything out of bean bag toss range.

We got cocky.  And that’s Minnesota Karma Punishment 101.  We don’t get arrogant in Minnesota.  We bundle up, plug in our Vitamin D lights so we don’t get seasonal depression and imagine that everything horrible that could happen will, because it usually does.  I once wore shorts on an unseasonably warm day in April and then it stayed cold until the first week of June and it’s ALL MY FAULT.

So now we have our attitude readjusted to proper Upper Midwest standards.  We are going to be good, but damnit we haven’t earned the swagger yet and we paid for it against the Grizzlies.  Remember Kevin Love?  He was a miserable bastard who hated every second of his life here and we won 40 games his last season!  That’s like being undefeated by Timberwolves standards.  I recommend that all Wolves players not properly familiar with the Minnesota mindset recite this to themselves every night before bed:  “We don’t deserve to win.  We are the Brooklyn Nets with less hope.  We are the Philadelphia Sixers if they were dumb enough to think they were a real basketball team.  The Washington Generals have a better chance of beating the Globetrotters than we do of making two shots in a row.  We should really just stick to what we’re good at, which is convincing ourselves that living in a tundra is normal and not talking to people unless we’ve known them for 15 years.”

sadkid

Nemanja Bjelica demonstrating the proper way to act in Minnesota.  Also, did you know that Bjelica has a first name?  It’s pronounced “Noot-Bot”.

That ought to appease the karma gods.  81-1 here we come!

Saturday night we play the Kings in Sacramento.  We’ll probably lose to them because they are the most dysfunctional team in the NBA and we are horrible people who deserve everything that’s coming to us.

Go Wolves!

Hello Minnesota,

This is Derrick Williams.  You may remember me as the Timberwolves’ #2 pick in the 2011 draft, as well as being a generally confused and out of breath bench player.

A lot of people had high expectations for me because I was drafted so high, but I don’t think the circumstances were fair.  Everybody knows the only two franchise players in that draft were Kyrie Irving and Chukwudiebere Maduabum.  It’s not my fault!  In a normal draft I would have been picked 27th by the Iowa Energy.

Minnesota, I can’t lie to you.  I miss you.  It’s really not been working out like I’d hoped in Sacramento.  Jimmer farts a lot and DeMarcus Cousins punches me in the stomach every night so the bruises won’t show.  Rudy Gay keeps making me buy him lunch and paying me back with Canadian Loonies.  All of my paychecks have bounced.  I’ve had to find temporary employment at Keep It Clean Carpet Tile & Upholstery on Sunrise and Ascot.  Cleaning carpets is even more impossible than shooting a wide open layup without first double-pumping and then missing because of it!

Derrick Williams 2nd birthday party.  Photo from a.espncdn.com

Derrick Williams 2nd birthday party. Photo from a.espncdn.com

Take me back, Minnesota.  I have carpet cleaning experience and can get Alexey Shved’s sad, Russian tears off of a rug faster than the Wolves bench can put the team down by ten.  I’ll be Crunch.  Whatever you need!

I’m on a train home to Minneapolis right now.  You don’t have to take me back, but if you feel like it I’ll be Hubert’s Bar & Grill signing autographs.  But mostly serving drinks.  See you soon!

Sincerely,

Derrick Williams

Earlier this week I made my totally well-researched Eastern Conference predictions.  Today it’s time for the “it’s-not-freaking-fair-that-the-Timberwolves-are-in-this-stupid-tough-ass-conference-a-goddamn-glob-of-coconut-oil-could-make-the-Eastern-Conference-playoffs” Western Conference predictions:

1) Oklahoma City Thunder – Half of me thinks I’m an idiot for picking them #1. The other half thinks that there’s no way a team with a healthy and angry Kevin Durant/Russell Westbrook combo can’t tear the league up regardless of who else is on the team.  OKC is the USA of the Western Conference. Sure, stats and logic will tell you that they’re #4 or #5 realistically.  But we all know they’re really #1.  USA! USA! USA!

2) San Antonio Spurs – I’m still pissed that they didn’t win the title last year.  These guys manage to somehow be injury-ridden, old and immortal all at the same time.  Somewhere there’s a picture of Dorian Gray with Duncan, Ginobli and Parker scribbled into the corner.  (There wasn’t room for David Robinson.)

3) Golden State Warriors – Everybody gives the Timberwolves shit for drafting Jonny Flynn instead of Steph Curry.  Here’s the thing that people don’t know: Steph Curry is a Satanist.  Yeah, he sacrifices baby goats for Satan. Look, I know this hasn’t gotten a lot of press, but it’s true.  Sure, we could have drafted him and had the most exciting frontcourt in the league with Rubio/Curry, but then we would have had a practicing disciple of hell on our team.  No thanks.

4) Los Angeles Clippers – Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me to see any of these top four teams in the Finals.  But I picked the Clippers below Golden State for two very important reasons.  1) They’re the Clippers 2) I can’t stand those stupid Chris & Cliff Paul State Farm commercials.  Really?  You guys are “born to assist” and you become a fancy-pants basketball player and a freakin’ car insurance salesman?  Look out Mother Theresa!

5) Houston Rockets – Nobody will ever win a championship with Dwight Howard.

6) Memphis Grizzlies – I want these guys to be higher, but the coach firing worries me.  Their stadium is nicknamed the “Grindhouse” though, and that’s awesome.  It makes me feel like Napalm Death and Anal C#$% are going to come out and vomit all over the opposing team at any moment.  Is that just me?

7) Minnesota Timberwolves – Yeah, I’m a homer.  But I feel like I’m being very fair with #7 here.  Two years in a row we were on course to make the playoffs and then…injuries. This year, Chase Budinger is already hurt.  But that’s a minor thing and he’ll be back shortly.  So if things just stay the course, we can do this.  Please God?  Can we please make the playoffs?  I forgot what it’s like to care about a basketball game after April.  Please stop Satan’s minion, Steph Curry, and help us!

8) Dallas Mavericks – They won the championship in 2011, right?  How can that be?  That feels like a million years ago. They gambled their roster after the championship year to get Deron Williams and/or Dwight Howard and fell short on both.  Instead, they got Monta Ellis.  A guy who makes Brandon Jennings look like John Stockton.  My favorite addition by far is Renaldo Balkman.  How great is it that Renaldo Balkman is on the same team as the Mavs 2nd greatest player of all time, Rolando Blackman?  That’s like the Bulls picking up a player called “Scobbie Pipplen.”

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9) New Orleans Pelicans – I love that they’re Pelicans!  Best Mascot ever!  Give them a year or two to stretch their huge, disgusting wings and they’ll be a good team.

10) Denver Nuggets – I don’t even know who’s on this team anymore.  Talk about the definition of imploding.

11) Portland Trailblazers – These guys might end up higher on this list than where I have them, but they traded us Martell Webster when they knew he was hurt.  Screw them.

12) Sacramento Kings – It’s not a good sign when your best player has the mental maturity of 4th grader who’s been grounded from Xbox.

DeMarcus Cousins addressing the press in the preseason.  Photo from bp.blogspot.com

DeMarcus Cousins before a game this preseason. Photo from bp.blogspot.com

13) Los Angeles Lakers – I had a dream last night that the Lakers moved to San Diego.  I’m no Miss Cleo but I think this is a prophecy.  Maybe they aren’t moving down to “America’s Finest City,” but they’re definitely headed south in the wins department.  Ding dong, the witch tore her achilles tendon!

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from sportsinreview.com

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from sportsinreview.com

14) Utah Jazz – Trey Burke is going to be the Damien Lillard of this year.  Except he’ll be on one of the worst teams in the league.  And he won’t be able to drink caffeine, smoke cigarrettes or have pre-marital sex with any of his nine girlfriends.

15) Phoenix Suns – Hey, they have twins on their team.  That’s neat.

Predicted NBA champion – Miami Heat.  It pains me to say it, but who’s going to stop them?  At least the Lakers will suck.

The Timberwolves’ season opener is Wednesday, October 30th, at home against Orlando.  Let’s go Wolves!

Whatever.

We lost to one of the top three teams in the league and we’re injured.  We’re Mr. Potato Head without the eyes, ears, hands or a nose.  What do you want from us?

Honestly, this season is much less depressing than last year’s.  Last year, the rug got pulled out from under us with no warning when Rubio went down.  This year has been one thing after another.  Every time a bell rings a Timberwolf gets injured.  I don’t even care anymore.  Derrick Williams seems to have kinda-sorta figured out how to maybe play basketball.  Which means any day now his toes will get sucked off in a freak combine accident.

It could be worse.  We could be Sacramento.

Keep DeMarcus Cousins away from the Starbucks, Seattle.  He's gonna kill somebody.

Keep DeMarcus Cousins away from the Starbucks, Seattle. He’s one cappuccino away from killing somebody.

The Maloof Brothers are selling the Sacramento Kings to a “Seattle-based group.”  In other words, the Sacramento Kings are about to become the Seattle Supersonics.  Same old colors and jerseys, too.  I feel bad for the city of Sacramento, but also for myself because I won’t be able to hear about some brothers named “Maloof” anymore.  That name is awesome.  It sounds like they should be selling newspapers for a quarter on the corner and playing jacks in 1940’s Brooklyn.  “Those damn Maloof Brothers stole my short pants again!  Only a phosphate and a trip to the talkies will make me feel better.”

Okay, so if Sacramento is going to become the Sonics, then what does that make the Thunder, who used to BE (and technically still have the same history as) the Sonics?  Oklahoma City doesn’t fly the 1979 Sonics Championship banner.  That makes it seem like they made a clean break from the past.  Will the new Sonics raise it?  Can they?  If I decided to legally change my name from “Mike Brody” to “Boppo Wisniewski” could somebody just change their name to “Mike Brody” and take my wife?  Who gets to claim Gary Payton?  Who gave Shawn Kemp all that cocaine!?  MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!  STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE!!!

This whole scenario scares me, because according to Timberwolves’ owner Glen Taylor, he will be selling the team in a few years.  Taylor says he’s only going to sell to a buyer that will keep the team in Minnesota, but tell that to the Sacramento Kings and the (old) Seattle Supersonics.  Because I need the Timberwolves.  It’s comforting to know that no matter how many times I accidentally flood my apartment or poop a little bit in my pants, there’s someone out there that thinks that drafting 35 point guards in one year is a good idea.  If people still pay David Kahn to do things, then maybe I stand a chance in life too.

Thank God for Sacramento!

There’s a sentence nobody’s ever said beforeIt ranks on the unused list right between “Why are you touching me, Kate Upton?” and “I volunteer for experimental vasectomy surgery.”

Two out of our six wins were against Sacramento.  The importance of that can’t be overstated in a year that we’ve lost to both Charlotte and Toronto.  Gah.  Really?  The Bobcats and the Raptors?  The Bobcats’ best players are Kemba Walker and a sandwich and I’m pretty sure every Raptors’ home game happened because the crowd wandered in on accident.   I cannot accept getting beaten by a team that named themselves after Jurassic Park.

It’s not like the Kings don’t have talent.  I fear the day that DeMarcus Cousins gets his head straightened out.  That guy is one of the most gifted basketball players to come into the league in years.  But he’s got some serious anger issues, especially for a third-year player who’s supposed to be paying his dues.  He’s been kicked out of practice for refusing to listen to the coach, removed from an airplane because of an altercation with a teammate and suspended two games for confronting Spurs’ announcer Sean Elliot after a game because he mentioned on-air that Cousins needs to learn a bit of humility.  Way to prove him wrong there, Gandhi.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a dick too.  But I don’t make 4 million dollars a year.  Drink some chamomile or something, buddy.  Put on some freak-sized yoga pants and get in touch with your inner sweetheart.  It’s not like someone ate your lasagna in the break-room at Walgreens.  You’re a famous, physically dominate millionaire.  Calm the crap down and don’t screw things up.  Then, when you’re done with the NBA and made your money, you can go asshole it up all over the world!   Go punch every Australian you meet.  Piss on the Eiffel Tower because it doesn’t understand you.  Tell a dolphin you don’t love it.  Whatever!

Take our own Luke Ridnour:

Dude’s one bag of meth from being an extra on Breaking Bad.  I guarantee he’s had a street name like “Booby” before.  But he keeps his mouth shut.  Last night he had 18 points and five assists.  He knows he’s not Chris Paul, so he works his ass off just to stay around.  He’s not making trade demands.  He just keeps on working on his middle school mustache and making shots when we need him to.

So even though the Kings have as much, if not more, physical talent than the Timberwolves, we still beat them through our patented combination of hard work and luck.  And nobody embodied that combination more last night than Kevin Love.  He had 23 points and 24 rebounds, 21 of which were defensive rebounds.  21!  That’s not just hard work, that’s John Henry.

And as far as the luck part goes.  Well, we’ve had more injuries than a Dance Dance Revolution party at a Crisco factory.  So if this is the shot that has to be the game-sealer for us, we’ll take it: