Posts Tagged ‘san antonio spurs’

A terrorized staff flee from the scene.  Photo from

A terrorized training staff flee for their lives. Photo from

The Joker, a villainous Batman enemy, struck an NBA game being held in Mexico City this Wednesday with an exploding laughing-gas bomb.  15 fatalities were reported, including Manu Ginobli, Spurs announcer Sean Elliott and Timberwolves starting point guard Ricky Rubio.  According to Wolves back-up Robbie Hummel, The Joker approached Rubio and whispered “Change this face. Be happy. Enjoy!” before squirting him in the face with a lapel-flower full of an unknown substance.

Memorial services will be held for Ricky Rubio this Sunday.  Photo from

A public memorial service will be held for Ricky Rubio (pictured) this Sunday at the Solera restaurant downtown.  Photo from

Several witnesses described a normal pre-game warm-up for the Minnesota Timberwolves and the San Antonio Spurs, when suddenly late-80s era Prince began playing loudly.  Reportedly, a purple-clad man with a boombox followed by several henchmen yelled “This town needs an enema!” as poisonous gas flowed from the arena’s vents. The man, later identified as the Joker, danced down to the court twirling a baton, then handed an orange gas-mask to Tiago Splitter, who he mistook for Kim Basinger.

According to Commissioner Gordon, this isn’t the first time The Joker has struck the NBA.  Officials believe that he is responsible for the several of Daryl Dawkins’ backboard shatterings and those ugly-ass alternate sleeve-jerseys that nobody likes.

Batman could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly out with a knuckle push-up injury.

Earlier this week I made my totally well-researched Eastern Conference predictions.  Today it’s time for the “it’s-not-freaking-fair-that-the-Timberwolves-are-in-this-stupid-tough-ass-conference-a-goddamn-glob-of-coconut-oil-could-make-the-Eastern-Conference-playoffs” Western Conference predictions:

1) Oklahoma City Thunder – Half of me thinks I’m an idiot for picking them #1. The other half thinks that there’s no way a team with a healthy and angry Kevin Durant/Russell Westbrook combo can’t tear the league up regardless of who else is on the team.  OKC is the USA of the Western Conference. Sure, stats and logic will tell you that they’re #4 or #5 realistically.  But we all know they’re really #1.  USA! USA! USA!

2) San Antonio Spurs – I’m still pissed that they didn’t win the title last year.  These guys manage to somehow be injury-ridden, old and immortal all at the same time.  Somewhere there’s a picture of Dorian Gray with Duncan, Ginobli and Parker scribbled into the corner.  (There wasn’t room for David Robinson.)

3) Golden State Warriors – Everybody gives the Timberwolves shit for drafting Jonny Flynn instead of Steph Curry.  Here’s the thing that people don’t know: Steph Curry is a Satanist.  Yeah, he sacrifices baby goats for Satan. Look, I know this hasn’t gotten a lot of press, but it’s true.  Sure, we could have drafted him and had the most exciting frontcourt in the league with Rubio/Curry, but then we would have had a practicing disciple of hell on our team.  No thanks.

4) Los Angeles Clippers – Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me to see any of these top four teams in the Finals.  But I picked the Clippers below Golden State for two very important reasons.  1) They’re the Clippers 2) I can’t stand those stupid Chris & Cliff Paul State Farm commercials.  Really?  You guys are “born to assist” and you become a fancy-pants basketball player and a freakin’ car insurance salesman?  Look out Mother Theresa!

5) Houston Rockets – Nobody will ever win a championship with Dwight Howard.

6) Memphis Grizzlies – I want these guys to be higher, but the coach firing worries me.  Their stadium is nicknamed the “Grindhouse” though, and that’s awesome.  It makes me feel like Napalm Death and Anal C#$% are going to come out and vomit all over the opposing team at any moment.  Is that just me?

7) Minnesota Timberwolves – Yeah, I’m a homer.  But I feel like I’m being very fair with #7 here.  Two years in a row we were on course to make the playoffs and then…injuries. This year, Chase Budinger is already hurt.  But that’s a minor thing and he’ll be back shortly.  So if things just stay the course, we can do this.  Please God?  Can we please make the playoffs?  I forgot what it’s like to care about a basketball game after April.  Please stop Satan’s minion, Steph Curry, and help us!

8) Dallas Mavericks – They won the championship in 2011, right?  How can that be?  That feels like a million years ago. They gambled their roster after the championship year to get Deron Williams and/or Dwight Howard and fell short on both.  Instead, they got Monta Ellis.  A guy who makes Brandon Jennings look like John Stockton.  My favorite addition by far is Renaldo Balkman.  How great is it that Renaldo Balkman is on the same team as the Mavs 2nd greatest player of all time, Rolando Blackman?  That’s like the Bulls picking up a player called “Scobbie Pipplen.”


9) New Orleans Pelicans – I love that they’re Pelicans!  Best Mascot ever!  Give them a year or two to stretch their huge, disgusting wings and they’ll be a good team.

10) Denver Nuggets – I don’t even know who’s on this team anymore.  Talk about the definition of imploding.

11) Portland Trailblazers – These guys might end up higher on this list than where I have them, but they traded us Martell Webster when they knew he was hurt.  Screw them.

12) Sacramento Kings – It’s not a good sign when your best player has the mental maturity of 4th grader who’s been grounded from Xbox.

DeMarcus Cousins addressing the press in the preseason.  Photo from

DeMarcus Cousins before a game this preseason. Photo from

13) Los Angeles Lakers – I had a dream last night that the Lakers moved to San Diego.  I’m no Miss Cleo but I think this is a prophecy.  Maybe they aren’t moving down to “America’s Finest City,” but they’re definitely headed south in the wins department.  Ding dong, the witch tore her achilles tendon!

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from

14) Utah Jazz – Trey Burke is going to be the Damien Lillard of this year.  Except he’ll be on one of the worst teams in the league.  And he won’t be able to drink caffeine, smoke cigarrettes or have pre-marital sex with any of his nine girlfriends.

15) Phoenix Suns – Hey, they have twins on their team.  That’s neat.

Predicted NBA champion – Miami Heat.  It pains me to say it, but who’s going to stop them?  At least the Lakers will suck.

The Timberwolves’ season opener is Wednesday, October 30th, at home against Orlando.  Let’s go Wolves!

Thank God for the Miami Heat!

Don’t get me wrong, I hate Miami.  They’re the villains of the league.  They’re Voldemort, Sauron and Screech all rolled into one.  They symbolize everything’s that’s lazy, impatient and egomaniacal about the league.  They bought their team.

But I’m a Minnesota Timberwolves fan.  And we suck.  The last time I was emotionally invested in a playoff game involving my team I was also setting up my first Myspace account.  In the absence of a team to root for, the Heat give me a team to root against.  So I am really, really into this year’s Finals.  Because fuck the Miami Heat.

And what better team to play the Heat than the San Antonio Spurs?  They’ve got four rings and are still somehow an underdog.  It’s everything that’s right with the NBA vs. everything that’s wrong.  It’s discipline vs. flash.  Draft picks/grassroots vs. free agency.  Aged vs. sorta-aged-but-hiding-under-a-headband.  2013 Bob Dylan vs. One Direction.  Michael Douglas vs. cunnilingus.  Wait, what was I talking about again?

Who will win between these two titans of professional basketball?  Who knows?  There’s so many factors.

Here’s what the Heat need to win this series:

LeBron just needs to be LeBron.  I hate his personality and way of life, but as a player it’s pretty hard to find much fault anymore.

A healthy Dwyane Wade.

A healthy Chris Bosh.

A hot shooting Ray Allen.

A healthy Mike Miller who doesn’t spontaneously combust into a pile of dust and hair-bands.

A Birdman who stays away from underaged girls.

A Birdman who stays away from drugs.

A Birdman who stays away from drug-addicted, underage girls and the illegal panda black market or whatever other shady shit he’s probably involved in.

A Norris Cole who doesn’t quit to join Bell Biv Devoe.

"If I touch your chin does your hair go higher?" Photo from

“If I touch your chin does your hair go higher?” Photo from

A healthy Rashard Lewis.  Just kidding.

A Juwan Howard who doesn’t get dementia from old age, think he’s LeBron James and try to dunk in his Men’s Warehouse suit.

A Shane Battier who realizes that for such a nerdy, bookish type he sure does knee people in the balls a lot.

Here’s what the Spurs need to win this series:

A Tim Duncan that keeps forgetting he’s 100 years old.  He’s like that baby boomer in the office that just won’t retire and let the younger generation have a job.  Tim Duncan was at Woodstock.

A Tony Parker who plays like he did against the Grizzlies.  Parker is easily the most talented person who’s ever been on the cover of US Weekly.  Although I heard Lindsay Lohan can ball too.

Tony Parker celebrating the big Western Conference Finals victory. Photo from

Tony Parker celebrating the big Western Conference Finals victory. Photo from

A can of spray-on hair for Manu Ginobli and that stupid bald spot of his.  What’s with the Fryar Tuck cut, Manu?  I know the Spurs don’t care about sponsorship, but you look like you should be selling lotion at a kiosk in the mall.

Manu is going for the "Wow, your dad sure is good at basketball" market.  Photo from

Manu going for the illustrious “Best old guy at the YMCA at noon” look/market. Photo from

A healthy Tracy McGrady.  Just kidding.

A Matt Bonner who keeps calling himself “Red Mamba” while heaving up three pointers with the form and grace of a sixth grade girl and somehow making them.  I’m pretty sure Bill Cartwright taught him how to shoot.

A Kawhi Leonard who continues to defy expectations by being the most fundamentally sound player in cornrows, ever.

A Patty Mills who keeps doing this.  Whatever the hell this is:

(On a side note: It took me months before I figured out his name wasn’t “Patty Melt.”  I was so disappointed.  He sounded delicious.)

Game 1 starts Thursday night at 8pm central time.  Go Spurs!  Boo Heat!  Down with Voldemort!

It’s the year 2030 in the NBA:  The Minnesota Timberwolves have their first winning season since 2005.  Retired star Metta World Peace is serving the second of his ten year sentence for murdering Lakers coach Kobe Bryant for not returning his mind telegram.  (Mind telegrams still don’t exist in 2030.) And Tim Duncan breaks his own record for oldest NBA Finals MVP at the age of 53 as the San Antonio Spurs quietly win their twelfth NBA championship.

As usual, the experts count out the Spurs in the pre-season.  “Too old,” they say.  “There’s no way Tony Parker will come back from his hip replacement surgery to play again.”  “It’s sad that Manu Ginobli has Alzheimer’s but he needs to start wearing pants on the court.”  “Cyborg David Robinson will surely short out again in the playoffs.”

As usual, the experts are wrong.

Always the stylish one: All-star Tony Parker in 2030. Photo from

Always the stylish one: All-star Tony Parker in 2030. Photo from

Some say that bringing the Phoenix Suns’ heralded training staff on board makes the difference.  Others think they made a deal with the devil.  But regardless, the San Antonio Spurs keep winning and winning.  Star after star from other teams fades away.  And as new players come and go, the Big Spur 3 remained intact.

Manu Ginobli makes a move in practice. Photo from

Manu Ginobli soils himself in practice. Photo from

Finally, in 2029, Tim Duncan revealed their long coveted secret:

“Mummification.  We are in a mummified state nearly every second that we’re not on the court.  Pop’s not one for extravagance but he said you have to make exceptions sometimes.  So we had an old pharaoh’s aid from Egypt brought in and he wraps us up with toilet paper, masking tape and Gorilla Glue every day.  The most annoying thing to me is the blood sacrifice to Mithra.  It takes forever!  So many pigeons!  But we have twelve championship rings to show for it.  I’ll deal with being Osiris’ afterlife slave when I get there.”

Tim Duncan preparing for a big game. Photo from

Tim Duncan preparing for a big game. Photo from

Will the Spurs win their thirteenth championship in 2031?  Conventional wisdom says no, but Egyptian sorcery says otherwise.

JJ Barea, you sweet little Puerto Rican prince, you!

Okay, okay…I’m a hypocrite.  Barea’s made me curse more times than Christian Bale at a sound guy convention.  When he bounces around like a pinball in the lane I just want to shake him and yell “You’re 4’2″!  What are you doing!  You should be a jockey!”

But holy moley, did he vindicate himself last night.  14 of his 18 points came in the fourth quarter, including two threes in a row.  Against the best team in the NBA.  Who were riding a 12 game winning streak.

So congratulations, Jose Juan Barea…I award you with my “Favorite Timberwolf of the Week Award.”

This award entitles you to a few gifts:

1) A week’s worth of unlimited shoulder rides.  (You’ll finally see the world!)

2)  $5 gift card to Chipotle.

3) One free Middle Age warrior tattoo (Sorry, Pekovic has had this award for a while now.  Tattoo will also be done prison-style by me, with a pen.)

All of these wonderful gifts are yours, pending your signing of my handwritten document swearing that you will never make a stupid basketball mistake again.  In the event of said mistake, I am then entitled to:

1) A week’s worth of unlimited shoulder rides from you.  (Suck it up, Tiny…you’re a pro athlete!)

2) One free hug from your wife, Miss Universe Zuleyka Rivera.

3) Another longer, more heartfelt hug from your wife.

That said, how amazing is it that we beat Oklahoma City on national television?  This was the first time the Wolves have been on TNT in SIX YEARS!  The world was a different place!  The economy was still fine as far as we knew it, smart phones were just a glimmer in Steve Jobs super-villain eyes and I lived in a shit-hole hovel that couldn’t convince an IHOP waitress to come over, much less Miss Universe Zuleyka Rivera.  (Don’t mess up, JJ.)

I think I know why we beat them.  Partially it was the combo of Kevin Love’s big game, JJ’s fourth quarter heroics and Pekovic’s slap-down of Serge Ibaka.  But really, it was because the Thunder wore their dark-blue alternate jerseys last night.  Alternate jerseys, a clever ploy by the NBA to up sales, are cursed.  Look no further than our own ill-fated Muskies jerseys from last year.  Not only did we lose most of our games wearing those god-awful rags, but Ricky Rubio went down for the season in one.  I’d rather see a crowd of screaming Deliverance extras burning an effigy of me on my front lawn than see these jerseys again.

I'd rather see a crowd of screaming people burning an effigy of me on my front lawn than these jerseys again.  Photo from

Let us never speak of them again. Photo from

I really like the Oklahoma City Thunder.  They’re young, out-of-this-world talented and have a stellar attitude.  And they’re from a small market that has a ravenous fan-base.  They’re like the San Antonio Spurs, if they didn’t make you want to eat your own face out of sheer boredom.

But today?  Suck it, Thunder!  Oh, Kevin Martin was hurt?  You really going to talk to the Minnesota Timberwolves about injuries?  We are the most injured team in the history of the NBA. Rick Adelman considered hiring a necromancer to conjure George Mikan’s bones from the grave.  Our center for a week was a cardboard cut-out of Jared from Subway.  We won!

Next up is another super tough team.  We play the New York Knicks and a guy named after a candy bar.  Fortunately, Rick Adelman is a big fan of my blog.  Yo Rick, I know how we beat these guys.  Before the game, have JJ roll into the NY locker room like Sonic the Hedgehog and swap out their jerseys with the Muskies ones.  We will win by a minimum of 45 points.  You’re welcome.  Yes, I’ll consider assistant coach duties.