Okay, so the Timberwolves Nation got a little ahead of ourselves. We won three in a row, anointed ourselves the new NBA Champions and then in truly Wolves-y fashion got our asses handed to us by a 55 year old German, Steph Curry’s supposed brother and JJ-freaking-Barea. Getting schooled by Barea is like an ex-girlfriend suddenly dating George Clooney. It’s confusing and they don’t deserve it.
A lot of Wolves fans are beginning to question whether Zach LaVine is the cause of this pendulum swing. He got hurt, we won three, then he comes back and we lose badly. It’s not LaVine. It’s because we are a very talented, young team that is better at sharing Snapchat pics than the ball. And as Wolves fans we’ve spent the better part of a decade and a half wildly blaming everything and everyone in the organization short of official Timberwolves DJ, Mad Mardigan, who admittedly I haven’t seen practicing free throws. Here’s a list of people who’ve been blamed for all of our woes over the years and the criticisms lobbed at them:
Glen Taylor – (Cheapskate, creepy, only hires friends, looks like an emaciated Kelsey Grammer)
Kevin Garnett’s supporting cast – (They were just KG’s friends signed to huge contracts, Troy Hudson’s rap album was the only thing worse than his game, Latrell Sprewell turned down a $14 million contract because “I need to feed my kids” which means his kids apparently ate diamonds, Sam Cassell hurt himself doing a “Big Balls” dance which is less a criticism than an awesome fact.)
Kevin McHale – (Gifted the Boston Celtics a championship by trading Kevin Garnett for two Bob Cousy basketball cards and Aerosmith’s “Get A Grip” CD, looks like Frankenstein if he left his clothes hanger in his sport coat)
David Kahn – (Everything you can possibly imagine and it’s all true)
Jonny Flynn – (We do not speak of him outloud but at least the “H” in “Johnny” knew what was up and got out)
Kurt Rambis – (A shitty version of Phil Jackson, wouldn’t even wear his dork glasses which is the only reason anybody ever really liked him)
Kevin Love – (Primadonna, two-faced, stat-stuffer, Benedict Arnold, won a championship without us and doesn’t seem sad enough about it)
Ricky Rubio – (Can’t shoot, drafted before Steph Curry, too handsome and huggable, doesn’t break ankles like Kris Dunn even though Kris Dunn hasn’t made one shot after those moves and you’re all 14 years old)
Andrew Wiggins – (Too Canadian/nice, isn’t LeBron James in his third year, analytics nerds who play more NBA 2K than actual basketball think he is the worst player since the chubby kid from “Teen Wolf”)
Thibs – (Hasn’t made us perfect after 41 games, somehow has hair and is bald at the same time, won’t play Brandon Rush for unknown reasons which maybe include Rush hitting on Thibs’ non-existent wife)
Zach LaVine – (Possibly made us lose one game against Dallas)
Relax, Wolves fans. Someday we are going to be great. Or we’ll screw it up, lose all our players and do the same thing for another 15 years. Enjoy!
Next up we play the Spurs in San Antonio. Maybe this will be one of those games where Popp sits all his players just to piss people off?