Posts Tagged ‘shabazz muhammad’

Many of you know that February 8 is the NBA trade deadline.  What many of you DON’T know is that February 8 is also National Iowa Day.  As the fourth most famous Iowan (after Ashton Kutcher, Tom Arnold, Slipknot and tied with Bix Beiderbecke), I feel like this gives me credible authority from up high to submit my trade deadline directly to Tom Thibodeau and staff.

My requests/demands are as follows:

Shabazz Muhammad & Cole Aldrich for Avery Bradley

According to ESPN’s NBA Trade Machine, this trade works out salary-wise.  We would get someone who could be a much needed “3&D” player, but we would lose our favorite scapegoat and a human hockey puck.  It would really be a homerun for us, but why in the world would Detroit make that trade?  We’d have to convince them that Shabazz is the next Boris Diaw and that Aldrich would be perfect as the next Robocop.  I have begun the campaign:



Gorgui Dieng and the Thunder 1st round pick for Nikola Mirotic 

I stole this trade idea from Dunking With Wolves because I’m bad at math and lazy, but it would make sense.  We are blood brothers with the Chicago Bulls and this trade would take them one step closer to being the 2016-17 Timberwolves.  I would honestly miss Gorgui’s wonderfully reliable 800 foot 2-pointers and the way he runs like someone is giving him a colonoscopy, but we would be getting our first player since Nikola Pekovic who looks like he’s cut off someone’s finger to gain fingerprint code access.  (NOTE: I just realized that, like Pekovic, Mirotic is from Montenegro.  What is it with that place and Bond Villains?  I’m positive both of them have dangled someone over an acid pit.  Although Pek would be the goon holding them and Mirotic would be in the suit twiddling his fingers and making a speech about Chaucer.)


“You should have seen the sly col-fox, waiting in the bed of wortes. Lower him, my Pek.”

Aaron Brooks for an broken soda machine

It’s an even trade, because like an old soda machine, Aaron Brooks used to work but now only gives out Diet Mountain Dew.

Tyus Jones for Tyler Jones

We all love home-town hero Tyus Jones, but Tyler is so much younger than him.  If this trade doesn’t work out, we can always explore a Karl-Anthony Towns/Burl-Michaely Towns swap or even a Nemanja Bjelica/Jumanji Pizza deal.

Next up we play the Hawks in Atlanta.  Crappy Eastern Conference team…worst record in the league…on the road…uh oh.  We will definitely start with a 40 point lead and lose by 15.


(Robocop/Cole Aldrich photoshop by Tim Brechlin)

Shabazz Muhammad has been involved in a lot of trade rumors this year.  The latest buzz involves him going to Phoenix for PJ Tucker.  I’m not sure if I’m comfortable having a grown man on the team who’s named after pajamas.  Was “Onesie” Ellison unavailable?   “G-String” McGee?

To be honest, I know that PJ Tucker is a good player and a strong defender, but I’m hardcore.  I can’t abide with him being on our team after the shady bullshit he pulled on us the last time we played Phoenix.  He did everything short of injecting Towns and Wiggins with a needle of Hepatitis A.  I still don’t know how I feel about Dennis Rodman on the Bulls.  Fidel Castro didn’t play ping-pong with JFK, I’m just saying.  Enemies for life.

So I dug deep and channeled my extensive GM skills and came up with a few better trade proposals.  I’ve been hanging out on the sidewalk outside Sneaky Pete’s trying to catch Thibs and I’m pretty sure he’s going to hire me straight out when he hears these:

Trade Proposal #1: Shabazz Muhammad for Steph Curry. 

Maybe the numbers don’t add up on that but I went to Iowa public school.  We learned about tractors, Slipknot and accidentally killing Buddy Holly, not math.  But it works out for everybody.  We solve our point guard situation and the Warriors get a guy who is 20-26 years old.

Trade Proposal #2: Shabazz Muhammad for Kris Humphries. 

Hear me out.  We need a guy to boo.  Minnesotans are too nice to boo, even though it’s fun and releases endorphins (that’s probably not true.)  Humphries has been booed for ten years straight across the league for marrying a Kardashian and being on a reality show about horrible people.  But he’s also from Minnesota so we can boo him for being a jackass and we won’t feel so bad about it because it’s like yelling at your cousin for parking on the front lawn again at Christmas.  We get a guy who is okay at basketball and more Minnesotans will show up to games to work through our deeply ingrained passive-aggressive issues.  Hello ticket sales!

Trade Proposal #3: Shabazz Muhammad for local celebrity Fancy Ray McCloney

Yeah, so Fancy Ray is not a basketball player.  But hey, neither was Darko Miličić.  Just look at that last name.  It looks like even Miličić’s letters are trying to leave him.  If we can give a 4-year, 16 million dollar contract to a guy who ended up trying to be a kickboxer instead and now lives on a plum farm in Serbia, then we can sign a James Brown/Little Richard/Prince look-alike with a heart of gold (and diamonds) too.  But wait a minute…how can you trade for someone who’s not on a team?  Easy: Muhammad to Lickety Split for Fancy Ray.  We get a mascot with more energy than Crunch after a coke party and Lickety Split gets a semi-famous athlete who will increase sales for stripper shoes.  And “G-String” McGee can join too!  Win-Win!


“My my my!  I am the BEST looking 12th man in the NBA!”

Thank me later, Thibs.

Next up we play the Pistons in Detroit Friday night.  Hopefully they didn’t trade for RoboCop.

Go Wolves!!!


Photoshop by José Eça de Queiroz.

Photoshop by José Eça de Queiroz

You know how when people die they supposedly see the light and feel a sense of calm and peace?  That’s how I feel right now with the potential Minnesota death of Kevin Love.  I see the light.  I don’t feel the pain anymore.  I’m accepting of whatever fate may be.  A semi-truck named David Kahn t-boned my Ford Focus of a Timberwolves team and I’m screwed.  But Gorgui Dieng is giving me CPR.  And Robbie Hummel is calling 911.  Shabazz Muhammad is playing Angry Birds but he really is thinking about helping.

It’s not the end of the world.  If Love stays, we’ll have a big future.  If he leaves, life goes on.  I make fun of Shabazz a lot, but he really does have the potential to be what everybody thought Michael Beasley could be.  He also has the potential to be just Michael Beasley.  The pendulum swings wide on Shabazz.  Here’s to hoping he doesn’t like weed.

Robbie Hummel doesn’t play a lot, but when he does he hussles his ass off and makes nice threes.  Unfortunately, he’s had more surgeries than Mickey Rourke’s face.  I have a firm belief that if Robbie “The Wrestler” Hummel can do enough yoga and pilates or whatever NBA players do to stay healthy, he could be a really solid NBA role player.  Here’s to hoping he doesn’t like bungee jumping.

Which brings me to the Senegal Sensation, Gorgui Dieng.  Nothing but positivity here.  Who saw this shit coming?  He’s averaging 13 points, 14 rebounds and nearly 60% shooting in the last six games, all of which he started in place of the injured Nikola Pekovic. In those six games, he had one 22 point/21 rebound game and one 15/15 game.  BEAST!  I love Pek.  He’s my favorite player.  But in the meantime, I’m enjoying the hell out of watching Gorgui gallop around the court like a wobbly, newborn, giant moose unleashed on a world-full of unsuspecting Precious Moments figurines.  He’s not quite there yet, but you can see it in him.  He’s already great defensively and actually has some nice offensive moves too.  Here’s my favorite part: His first name means “Old one” in his native tongue of Wolof.  He even speaks Wolf.

Gorgui Dieng - Born Minnesotan. Photo from

Gorgui Dieng – Born in Senegal/spiritually Minnesotan. Photo from

Look, Gorgui Dieng obviously isn’t the next Kevin Love. (Even though his rebounding stats have rivaled his in this stretch.)  He’s just a wee-little Timberpup right now.  But I need hope.  Kevin Love has been dragging my tattered Timberwolves heart around for too long.  We don’t need him.  We’ve sucked for ten years, so what’s sucking for a few more with players that actually want to be here?  In two years, we could conceivably have a line-up that consists of Ricky Rubio, Shabazz Muhammed, Corey Brewer, Gorgui Dieng and Nikola Pekovic.  Good enough to get into the playoffs?  Who knows?  Maybe the Bucks will get bought by the Seattle group and Minnesota will move to the Eastern Conference and we can sport a 10-72 record and still be the third best team in the East?  Do you know what all of those players have in common, though?  They’re tough as nails and don’t bitch and whine when things don’t go their way.  They don’t have rich uncle Beach Boys and need to be around a UCLA umbrella in Sun Tan Land at all times.  I just don’t get it.  I would play in a jar full of jelly in Siberia for the money these dudes are making.  Who cares if you live in a hip town?  Just suck it up for ten years, make your money and retire to Valhalla!

Next up, we play the Los Angeles Lakers on Friday at home.  I’d rather be an NBA team on the slow crescendo up than a faltering behemoth of a crumbling dynasty.  For the love of god, let’s beat this Lindsay Lohan of a team.

Go Wolves!

Derrick Williams, who struggled for playing time and often had too much glue on his hands, has been traded to the Sacramento Kings. Photo from

Derrick Williams is pulled from a game after accidentally gluing his hand to his jersey.  Photo from

A lot of Timberwolves fans are upset about the Derrick Williams for Luc Mbah a Moute trade with the Sacramento Kings.  Unless those people have a phobia of mispronouncing names, they should just calm down.

Derrick Williams is talented.  Unfortunately, most of those talents don’t equate being a good team basketball player.  If the league had a double-pump contest, or a “Who can make the most bone-headed play immediately after doing something good?” showdown, Derrick would probably win.  Other than that, he was mostly useless to us.  Yeah, he’s talented.  But guess what?  So is every player in the NBA.  If that wasn’t the case then I’d be suited up in my Larry Bird/John Stockton shorts doing whirly-bird hook-shots from half-court.  Another airball!  Where’s my paycheck?  Ca-ching!

Maybe Williams will go on to super-stardom in the happy, functional, mature, totally not cursed, non-violent family that is the Sacramento Kings?  I hope you understand sarcasm, son, because you just got bitch-slapped with it.  This is vicious Western Conference.  Almost literally every team is .500 or higher, while in the East you make the playoffs if you have a pulse and a can name which team Michael Jordan was on.  If you’re not with us, you’re against us.  I hope that DeMarcus Cousins headbutts Derrick Williams and he ricochets into Ben Mclemore, giving them all soap opera style amnesia and they forget how to play basketball.

So how long before we trade Shabazz?

Go Wolves.

"Hey tiny lady.  Wanna sneak into the Rookie Symposium together?" Photo by

“Hey tiny lady. Wanna sneak into the Rookie Symposium together?” Photo by

It's November, Corey. Put on a coat! Photo from

It’s November, Corey. Put on a coat! Kevin’s got some. Photo from

Hey, we’re 7-4!  Not bad!  And it’s not just the usual faces like Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio and Nikola Pekovic who are helping this time around.  We’ve got a handful of new additions on the Timberwolves this year.  Let’s see how they’ve stacked up:

Corey Brewer

PRO – He’s hit some much needed corner 3’s, leaks out the back for outlet passes from Kevin Love and has made some nice hustle/defensive plays.  And he has a nice smile.

CON – He’s balding a little prematurely.  Not sure what his opinions on the Orchestra strike are.


Gorgui Dieng

PRO – He can block a shot.

CON – He can also manage to foul out of a game during pre-game warm-ups.  Seriously, the dude just walks around hitting things and hopes it turns into a block.  But he’s young.


Robbie Hummel

PRO – He has the heart of a lion, after coming back from two, count ’em, two ACL injuries in college.

CON – He looks like he should be working concessions instead of playing pro ball.  Also, “Robbie” is a drug-dealer’s name, like “Traintrack Robbie” or “Robbie Bathsalts.”


Kevin Martin

PRO – Jesus has returned and his name is K-MART!  He’s everything we’ve needed at the shooting guard position.  Screw defense!  I LOVE KEVIN MARTIN!

CON – He has probably the weirdest looking shot since Bill Cartwright, but it goes in.  I wouldn’t care if he vomited blood and played the Insane Clown Posse from his ears, belly button and butt as long as the shot went in.

GRADE – A+++++++

Shabazz Muhammad

PRO – He has arms and legs.

CON – He has arms and legs.


A.J. Price

PRO – Who?

CON – Who?

GRADE – N/A – Because I’m not convinced he’s actually a Timberwolf.

Ronny Turiaf

PRO – A friend of mine who works at Jimmy John’s delivered to him in his fancy-pants apartment and he said that he tipped well, called him sir and was the nicest guy in the world.

CON – He’s from the Caribbean and February in Minnesota hasn’t hit yet.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s on the nearest jet ski out of town once it does.


We’ve got a rough stretch of games coming up involving the Clippers, Nets, Rockets, Pacers, Nuggets, Mavs, Thunder and Spurs.  YIKES.   But first up we play the Wizards and the perennially “He’s going to be a superstar next year” John Wall.  We got this.  Go Wolves!