Posts Tagged ‘sixers’


We just lost to the Sixers.  THE SIXERS!  A fricking squad possibly made up of two basketball players and a gaggle of Lacrosse rejects.  You know how people never count George Mikan as one of the top ten players of all-time because he practically played with peach baskets and definitely only played against rigid, dorky white men who never left the ground without a ladder?  The Sixers would lose to elderly George Mikan laying on his back.

And still they creamed us.  It’s like getting beat at Monopoly by your dog.  It shouldn’t even be possible.  I’ve been trying to keep it positive this year, but screw it.  I can’t take it anymore.  My Minnesotan passive-aggressiveness has reached full capacity and it’s nuclear meltdown time.

It’s time to fire Sam Mitchell’s sorry ass.

He sucks.  He sucks so bad.  He is the DeAndre Jordan free throw of coaches.  He is 85% of the reason why we are losing.  The other 15% is a combination of youth and Wiggins’ Canadian side thinking beating a team is too mean.  The only coach worse than Sam Mitchell is Byron Scott and I’m still not convinced they’re not the same person.  They’re both so antiquated, I wouldn’t be surprised if either of them starting telling their players to shoot granny-style.  If Sam Mitchell were a life coach he’d be telling people to sell their car, buy a pile of silver and stack it for safe-keeping in their mailbox.

Some people think we can’t fire an interim coach.  After all, he’s only the head coach because Flip Saunders passed away.  Interim coaches don’t often get fired.  Well, Popes don’t usually resign but Pope Darth Sidious did and look how shit turned out after that.  Is Sam Mitchell Catholic?  Can we implicate him in some shady priest relocations?  At this point, I’ll settle for any excuse.  He hasn’t seen “Hunger Games: Mockingjay”?  Fire him!

Fire Mitchell’s ass.  Do it in ways that he’ll understand.  How did people fire people 100 years ago?  Shit, send him a telegram.  He’ll think Randy Breur is finally returning his message.

Dear Sam Mitchell, STOP

You are fired. STOP

You are fired because you wouldn’t play the good players when it mattered.  STOP  You are fired because you run an offense that hasn’t been used since basketball shorts hugged players’ assholes. STOP  You are fired because you have the ego of a reality TV chef without any of the ideas or success.  STOP  You are fired because thinking Zach LaVine is a point guard is dumber than Zach LaVine himself.  STOP

Just stop.  STOP  That first stop was a real stop. STOP


Sincerely, STOP

Minnesota STOP

Next up we play the Denver Nuggets at home.  What does it matter?


Great Drunk Dirk Nowitzki, how did we lose to such a turdcan of a team?!  I could have pooled together 12 random people from the DMV and beaten the Sixers.  They were 0-17 coming in and possibly the most atrocious collaboration of humans since the Metallica/Lou Reed album.

Nobody even really knows who these guys are.  Who is this team and how could they possibly have beat anybody at all?  Let’s take a closer look at the 2014-15 Sixers line-up:

Point guard: Michael Carter-Williams –

He’s okay.

Philadelphia 76ers Media Day

Shooting guard: Anthony “Cracker Hands” Giavanni –

Tiny & violent.  Giavanni has recorded a league high 85 technicals from outbursts and attempted bribes.  His signature move is throwing a flask at the defense’s face and granny-shotting the ball into the stands.  Last seen running hooch on the corner of Hindenburg & Malarkey.


Small forward: Hip-Hop, the 76ers mascot –

Hip-Hop is technically 95% blind in his rat costume and glasses, yet his trampoline dunk is incredibly difficult to block.


Power forward: Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot –

Like most Heat fans, Burnie didn’t want to stick around after LeBron James left.


Center: Nerlens “Narwhal” Noel –

While a great talent, Noel has missed the last five games after accidentally glueing his hands to his head.


Sixth man: A frightened, falling, elderly Paul McCartney –


This is the team that beat us.  It’s going to be a long rebuilding process.  Hopefully we’ll sign the Jazz mascot next year.  That thing looks like Teen Wolf.

Next up we play…ah, who cares.  We’re going to lose.