Posts Tagged ‘sixers’


We just lost to the Sixers.  THE SIXERS!  A fricking squad possibly made up of two basketball players and a gaggle of Lacrosse rejects.  You know how people never count George Mikan as one of the top ten players of all-time because he practically played with peach baskets and definitely only played against rigid, dorky white men who never left the ground without a ladder?  The Sixers would lose to elderly George Mikan laying on his back.

And still they creamed¬†us. ¬†It’s like getting beat at Monopoly by your dog. ¬†It shouldn’t even be possible. ¬†I’ve been trying to keep it positive this year, but screw it. ¬†I can’t take it anymore. ¬†My Minnesotan passive-aggressiveness has reached full capacity and¬†it’s nuclear meltdown time.

It’s time to fire Sam Mitchell’s sorry ass.

He sucks. ¬†He sucks so bad. ¬†He is the DeAndre Jordan free throw of coaches. ¬†He is 85% of the reason why we are losing. ¬†The other¬†15% is a combination of youth and Wiggins’ Canadian side thinking beating a team is too mean. ¬†The only coach worse than Sam Mitchell is Byron Scott and I’m still not convinced they’re not the same person. ¬†They’re both so antiquated, I wouldn’t be surprised if either of them starting telling their players to shoot granny-style. ¬†If Sam Mitchell were a life coach he’d be telling people to sell their car, buy a pile of¬†silver and stack it for safe-keeping in their mailbox.

Some people think we can’t fire an interim coach. ¬†After all, he’s only the head coach because Flip Saunders passed away. ¬†Interim coaches don’t often get fired. ¬†Well, Popes don’t usually resign but Pope Darth Sidious did and look how shit turned out after that. ¬†Is Sam Mitchell Catholic? ¬†Can we implicate him in some shady priest relocations? ¬†At this point, I’ll settle for any excuse. ¬†He hasn’t seen “Hunger Games: Mockingjay”? ¬†Fire him!

Fire Mitchell’s ass. ¬†Do it in ways that he’ll understand. ¬†How did people fire people 100 years ago? ¬†Shit, send him a telegram. ¬†He’ll think Randy Breur is finally returning his message.

Dear Sam Mitchell, STOP

You are fired. STOP

You are fired because you wouldn’t play the good players when it mattered. ¬†STOP ¬†You are fired because you run an offense that hasn’t been¬†used since basketball shorts hugged players’ assholes. STOP ¬†You are fired because you have the ego of a reality TV chef without any of the ideas or success. ¬†STOP ¬†You are fired because thinking Zach LaVine is a point guard is dumber than Zach LaVine himself. ¬†STOP

Just stop.  STOP  That first stop was a real stop. STOP


Sincerely, STOP

Minnesota STOP

Next up we play the Denver Nuggets at home.  What does it matter?


Great Drunk Dirk Nowitzki, how did we lose to such a turdcan of a team?!  I could have pooled together 12 random people from the DMV and beaten the Sixers.  They were 0-17 coming in and possibly the most atrocious collaboration of humans since the Metallica/Lou Reed album.

Nobody even really knows who these guys are. ¬†Who is this team and how could they possibly have beat anybody at all? ¬†Let’s take a closer look at¬†the 2014-15 Sixers line-up:

Point¬†guard:¬†Michael Carter-Williams –

He’s okay.

Philadelphia 76ers Media Day

Shooting guard: Anthony¬†“Cracker Hands” Giavanni¬†–

Tiny & violent. ¬†Giavanni has recorded¬†a league high 85 technicals from outbursts and attempted bribes. ¬†His signature move is throwing a flask at the defense’s face and granny-shotting the ball into the stands. ¬†Last¬†seen running hooch on the corner of Hindenburg & Malarkey.


Small forward:¬†Hip-Hop, the 76ers mascot –

Hip-Hop is technically 95% blind in his rat costume and glasses, yet his trampoline dunk is incredibly difficult to block.


Power forward:¬†Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot –

Like most Heat fans, Burnie didn’t want to stick around after LeBron James left.


Center:¬†Nerlens “Narwhal” Noel –

While a great talent, Noel has missed the last five games after accidentally glueing his hands to his head.


Sixth man:¬†A frightened, falling, elderly¬†Paul McCartney –


This is the team that beat us. ¬†It’s going to be a long rebuilding process. ¬†Hopefully we’ll sign the Jazz mascot next year. ¬†That thing looks like Teen Wolf.

Next up we play…ah, who cares. ¬†We’re going to lose.