Posts Tagged ‘steph curry’

 

WarriorsFan1

A Golden State Warriors fan celebrates having finally sold all his Miami Heat gear. Photo from media.10news.com

Fuck Golden State Warriors fans.

Warriors fans outside of California are like Canadians who tip.  They don’t exist.  These fake posers didn’t even know who the Warriors were until Dell Curry’s and Mychal Thompson’s sons showed up.  Wherever I go now I see every damn person wearing Golden State gear as if that beanie weren’t a Lakers one five years ago, a Heat one three years ago, a Cavs one two years ago.  Hey jerky, I got a safe team for you to sport:  Check out the Harlem Globetrotters.  They never lose!

And fuck Kevin Durant.

You don’t join the team that beat you.  Michael Jordan didn’t join the Pistons in 1989.  I didn’t join the people who depantsed me everyday in 3rd grade, pulling down my own pants trying to get approval just because I wanted to be on “the winning team”.  No.  I suffered alone and then carried all my baggage into my 30s, because that’s what adults do!

But fuck Golden State Warriors fans even more.

Seriously, you’re gonna act like this is “your team”?  Name one player that played for that sorry-sack team after Run TMC and before Babyface McGrossmouthguardchew.  And if you don’t know who Run TMC is  I swear I will find you and slap the Hatchimal out of your hands because you are 12 and I am threatened by youth!

And fuck Kevin Durant again.

When did this whole “I just have a favorite player” thing start?  What a gutless way to always be winning.  I’m a Timberwolves fan until I die (or Glen Taylor accidentally sells them to another state for more Cosby sweaters). Being a Timberwolves fan is grueling, confusing and disheartening.  We are the most excited we’ve been in 13 years and we’re 11 games under .500.  Jared from Subway is going to get out of prison before we make the playoffs.  But damnit, this is our TEAM.  We don’t jump ship.  We support our team and hang tight until that special moment when we’re 95 on our deathbeds and all the marine life in the world has died and the air looks like the sky from “The Matrix” and Vince Carter is finally retiring and we say “Did the Timberwolves make the playoffs yet?  No?  Okay good, I don’t like change” and then we die.

WarriorsFan2

Next up we play the Warriors at home on Friday.  Fuck you posers!

GO WOLVES!

 

Steph Curry is arguably the greatest and most marketable player currently in the NBA.  And now Curry has something that neither LeBron or Durant have: his own pair of Baby Boomer tennies.

StephCurryShoes

The hottest shoes at Bingo Night.

Listen, I’m no fashion expert.  I will go outside with a giant stain covering half of my shirt if my wife doesn’t stop me.  But I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing these unless I was a narc trying to infiltrate a Paul Simon concert.  These shoes should come with grass stains, because they are identical to the ones your dad wears when he mows the lawn.  I’m pretty sure these come with a free phone clip to attach to your belt.

Brodystain

Just another day for Mike Brody

How insane is it that a 38-year-old white guy with zero taste can sit here making fun of an NBA star’s signature shoes?   I’m convinced Under Armour had a warehouse shipping mistake and somewhere there’s a horde of Cocoon-aged retirees learning to play tennis for the first time wearing neon purple designer pimp shoes.  Did the guy who invented New Coke move into shoe design?  If lactose-free unflavored yogurt were a shoe, these would be it.

They should call these “The Matlocks”.  Better yet, they should call these the “Dell Curry’s” because they resemble something Steph’s dad would have worn to file his taxes in 1988.

DellCurry

Steph’s dad’s shoes were cooler and he wore shorts up to his nuts.

I talked to 7’3″ retired NBA player Randy Breuer once.  He said that Reebok gave him 100 pairs of size 18 Reebok Pumps in 1989 and he still has most of them.  He just wears a pair until they blow out and then puts on the next Bigfoot gurney.  So it stands to reason that Curry will have 100 or so in his basement until 2090.

Here’s a couple things he can do to fix the situation:

  • Attempt to return them to Kohl’s
  • Donate them to crazy old man gum-mouth Steve Kerr.
  • Make sure that Klay Thompson’s new shoes are white Crocs.

And yet, he’ll still make more money off these then I will make in a lifetime.

New life-plan: Steal Steph Curry’s 100 sneakers and sell them on Craigslist as George Mikan originals.  Hello retirement!