Posts Tagged ‘stephen curry’

kat

You made his cat sad. Photo from nbacatwatch.com

There’s been some¬†vicious snubs in the world lately. ¬†Donald Trump’s replacement pick for National Security Advisor turned him down¬†because he doesn’t know anybody from Russia. ¬†People¬†flipped out that Adele beat Beyonce because everybody forgot that¬†the Grammys are a steaming pile of manatee poop and¬†mean about as much as a Hug Award from your mom. ¬†My¬†body said no to me just now when I tried to¬†go for a jog because I run like a duck and gummy bears are not a good warm-up snack.

But no snub is more vicious than Karl-Anthony Towns being left off the 2017 NBA All-Star team. ¬†What does a bitch have to do?! ¬†He’s averaging 23.7 ppg, 11.8 rpg, 2.9 asp, 1.4 bpg and has¬†the third best smile in the league after fellow Timberwolf Andrew Wiggins and former Timberwolf Corey Brewer. ¬†(Most underrated smile is Tom Thibodeau’s, which comes out as often as Punxsutawney Phil the Groundhog, but looks like a drunken badger that just discovered Scientology.)

Who are all these chumps that got the nod over Towns? ¬†Allow me to go through the list and break down why they don’t deserve it. ¬†I’m only going to go through the Western Conference because 1) Towns plays in the West¬†and 2) Literally anybody¬†who can dribble in a straight line and doesn’t have 4 DUIs gets into the All-Star Game in the East. ¬†Kurt Rambis is playing in the East. ¬†Fuck the East.

Stephen Curry – If Stephen Curry is so hot then why was he drafted after Ricky Rubio and Jonny Flynn, huh? ¬†Overrated! ¬†You’ll always just be Dell Curry’s son to me!

James Harden – Has anybody bothered to ask why James Harden’s beard is so big? ¬†I’ll tell you: PEDs. ¬†He hides PEDs in his beard during games and when he does that little “mix it up” pantomine after scoring points he’s literally mixing up his meds. ¬†Illegal!

Kevin Durant – I don’t know if I can even talk about Kevin Durant in the West because if the East wins he’ll just go over there next year.

Kawhi Leonard – Kawhi Leonard is not a real person. ¬†He’s an emotionless robot created by Gregg Popovich using spare salsa he found in Texas for organic matter and the extra “Gs” in Gregg’s stupid first name. ¬†SHOULD NOT PLAY.

Anthony Davis – Anthony Davis looks like the kind of guy who’d have really wet palms. ¬†Just a creepy dude standing in the corner with his (literally) trademarked unibrow getting everything slimy with his disgusting swamp hands. ¬†It makes the balls greasy and¬†unusable.

Russell Westbrook – This man is a danger to everything and everyone around him. ¬†If you thought Anthony Davis was creepy, wait until you see Westbrook’s “Silence Of The Lambs” dungeon where he keeps and tortures all the people who looked at him sideways or cut him off in traffic or stole his Urkel glasses. ¬†Unsafe!

Klay Thompson – I hate Klay Thompson’s stupid face so much. ¬†It looks like the thing they lay terrorists on when they waterboard them. ¬†He looks like Screech if his dad were rich. ¬†So what, you can shoot threes. ¬†I saw Manute Bol hit six threes once. ¬†You ain’t special!

Gordon Hayward – Who?

DeMarcus Cousins – I¬†actually think DeMarcus Cousins might physically track me down and hurt me if I write something here so I’m leaving it blank.

DeAndre Jordan – Really? ¬†We’re letting insurance salesmen in now?

Marc Gasol – Token European.

Draymond Green – Draymond Green is 100% an All-Star of kicking people in the balls. ¬†He’s that punk from Duke if he were somehow less likeable than Duke.

None of you are better than Karl-Anthony Towns!  KAT is Michael Jordan mixed with Hakeem Olajuwon mixed with Megan Fox and BBQ chicken with extra BBQ.  I have issues!

Next up the Wolves play Dallas in Minneapolis on the Friday after the All-Star break.  KAT WILL PLAY THE MAVS 1-ON-12 AND WIN!!!

GO WOLVES!

Shabazz Muhammad has been involved in a lot of trade rumors this year. ¬†The latest buzz involves him going to Phoenix for PJ Tucker. ¬†I’m not sure if I’m comfortable having a grown man on the team who’s named after pajamas. ¬†Was “Onesie” Ellison unavailable? ¬† “G-String” McGee?

To be honest, I know that PJ Tucker is a good player and a strong defender, but I’m hardcore. ¬†I can’t abide with him being on our team after the shady bullshit he pulled on us the last time we played Phoenix. ¬†He did everything short of injecting Towns and Wiggins with a needle of Hepatitis A. ¬†I still don’t know how I feel about Dennis Rodman on the Bulls. ¬†Fidel Castro didn’t play ping-pong with JFK, I’m just saying. ¬†Enemies for life.

So¬†I dug deep and channeled my extensive GM skills and came up with a few better trade proposals. ¬†I’ve been hanging out on the sidewalk outside Sneaky Pete’s trying to catch¬†Thibs and I’m pretty sure he’s going to¬†hire me straight out when he hears these:

Trade Proposal #1: Shabazz Muhammad for Steph Curry. 

Maybe the numbers don’t add up on that but I went to Iowa public school. ¬†We learned about tractors, Slipknot and accidentally killing Buddy Holly, not math. ¬†But it works out for everybody. ¬†We solve our point guard situation and the Warriors get a guy who is 20-26 years old.

Trade Proposal #2: Shabazz Muhammad for Kris Humphries. 

Hear me out. ¬†We need a guy to boo. ¬†Minnesotans are too nice to boo, even though it’s fun and releases endorphins (that’s probably not true.) ¬†Humphries has been booed for ten years straight across the league for marrying a Kardashian and being on a reality show about horrible people. ¬†But he’s also from Minnesota so we can boo him for being a jackass and we won’t feel so bad about it because it’s like yelling at your cousin for parking on the front lawn again at Christmas. ¬†We get a guy who is okay at basketball and¬†more Minnesotans will show up to games to work through our deeply ingrained passive-aggressive issues. ¬†Hello ticket sales!

Trade Proposal #3: Shabazz Muhammad for local celebrity Fancy Ray McCloney. 

Yeah, so Fancy Ray is not a basketball player. ¬†But hey, neither was Darko¬†Milińćińá. ¬†Just look at that last name. ¬†It looks like even Milińćińá’s letters are trying to leave him. ¬†If we can give a 4-year, 16 million dollar contract to a guy who ended up trying to be a kickboxer instead and now lives on a plum farm in Serbia, then we can sign a James Brown/Little Richard/Prince look-alike with a heart of gold (and diamonds) too. ¬†But wait a minute…how can you trade for someone who’s not on a team? ¬†Easy: Muhammad to Lickety Split for Fancy Ray. ¬†We get a mascot with more energy than Crunch¬†after a coke party and Lickety Split gets a semi-famous athlete who will increase sales for stripper shoes. ¬†And “G-String” McGee can join too! ¬†Win-Win!

fancyray

“My my my! ¬†I am the BEST looking 12th man in the NBA!”

Thank me later, Thibs.

Next up we play the Pistons in Detroit Friday night. ¬†Hopefully they didn’t trade for RoboCop.

Go Wolves!!!

 

Dell Curry's son warms up before the game.  Photo by Mike Brody

Dell Curry’s son warms up before the game. Photo by Mike Brody

Oof. Just when you think we’re going to be the next NBA champions/greatest team of all time/first basketball team in space, the Timberwolves get all Timberwolfy and lose two in a row.

A friend of mine scored free tickets in Row E up front for us, so I got to see our stomping with my very own eyes.¬† In a game where Andrew Bogut and Stephen Curry both played limited minutes, from foul trouble and a minor injury respectively, we should have been able to capitalize and cruise to a victory.¬† But the Golden State Warriors are good.¬† They are really, really good.¬† Klay Thompson was a killer.¬† He scored 30 points on us, mostly on three point shots from out in the First Ave parking lot.¬† He looks so cocky too, flappin’ his arms around after each shot.¬† Luckily, I saw an interview with his dad, who said that he controls all his son’s finances so he won’t go broke and only gives him a small allowance each month.¬† After a stinging loss like this, it gives me solace to know that Klay Thompson might be out there begging teammate Harrison Barnes for $10 so he can see “Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2.”¬† Keep pumping that lemonade stand, Klay, you’ll get that new Huffy someday!

Klay Thompson shoots a free throw

Klay Thompson, a grown man who doesn’t control his own money, shoots probably his closest shot of the night, presumably with his dad’s permission.¬† Photo by Mike Brody.

I still had fun at the game, even with the crappy loss.¬† My favorite part was the weird Bushwacker dudes that were sitting next to us.¬† They screamed and hooted and shrieked ear-piercing cries on nearly every play.¬† I loved it.¬† Who didn’t love it, though, were the fuddy-duddy old dudes in the row in front of us, who seemingly accidentally showed up early for the Donny & Marie Christmas. They plugged their ears with their fingers and turned around every five minutes to shoot daggers with their eyes.¬† All they needed were monocles, top-hats and a little Monopoly dog in their arms to come off more like douchey, blue-blooded hurumpfers.¬† Frickin’ Minnesotans.¬† We’re so damn Norwegian that we can’t even make noise at a sporting event.

Photo by Mike Brody.

Crunch meets the Bushwackers. Photo by Mike Brody.

Next up, we play the Dallas Mavericks at home.¬† If we win, we’ll be 4-2 and sitting in a pretty decent position.¬† If we lose, we fall to 3-3 and things begin to get a little panicky.¬† We need a big game from Pek about now, so somebody punch a map of Montenegro in front of him and piss him off.¬† Go Wolves!