Posts Tagged ‘trade deadline’

Many of you know that February 8 is the NBA trade deadline.¬† What many of you DON’T know is that February 8 is also National Iowa Day.¬† As the fourth most famous Iowan (after Ashton Kutcher, Tom Arnold, Slipknot and tied with Bix Beiderbecke), I feel like this gives me credible authority from up high to submit my trade deadline directly to Tom Thibodeau and staff.

My requests/demands are as follows:

Shabazz Muhammad & Cole Aldrich for Avery Bradley

According to ESPN’s NBA Trade Machine, this trade works out salary-wise.¬† We would get someone who could be a much needed “3&D” player, but we would lose our favorite scapegoat and a human hockey puck.¬† It would really be a homerun for us, but why in the world would Detroit make that trade?¬† We’d have to convince them that Shabazz is the next Boris Diaw and that Aldrich would be perfect as the next Robocop.¬† I have begun the campaign:

RoboCole

RoboCole

Gorgui Dieng and the Thunder 1st round pick for Nikola Mirotic 

I stole this trade idea from Dunking With Wolves because I’m bad at math and lazy, but it would make sense.¬† We are blood brothers with the Chicago Bulls and this trade would take them one step closer to being the 2016-17 Timberwolves.¬† I would honestly miss Gorgui’s wonderfully reliable 800 foot 2-pointers and the way he runs like someone is giving him a¬†colonoscopy, but we would be getting our first player since Nikola Pekovic who looks like he’s cut off someone’s finger to gain fingerprint code access.¬† (NOTE: I just realized that, like Pekovic, Mirotic is from Montenegro.¬† What is it with that place and Bond Villains?¬† I’m positive both of them have dangled someone over an acid pit.¬† Although Pek would be the goon holding them and Mirotic would be in the suit twiddling his fingers and making a speech about Chaucer.)

mirotic

“You should have seen the sly col-fox, waiting in the bed of wortes. Lower him, my Pek.”

Aaron Brooks for an broken soda machine

It’s an even trade, because like an old soda machine, Aaron Brooks used to work but now only gives out Diet Mountain Dew.

Tyus Jones for Tyler Jones

We all love home-town hero Tyus Jones, but Tyler is so much younger than him.¬† If this trade doesn’t work out, we can always explore a Karl-Anthony Towns/Burl-Michaely Towns swap or even a¬†Nemanja Bjelica/Jumanji Pizza deal.

Next up we play the Hawks in Atlanta.¬† Crappy Eastern Conference team…worst record in the league…on the road…uh oh.¬† We will definitely start with a 40 point lead and lose by 15.

GO WOLVES!!!

(Robocop/Cole Aldrich photoshop by Tim Brechlin)

KGKG

I am disproportionately excited¬†about Kevin Garnett returning to Minnesota. ¬†My wife even told me she doesn’t think I was this happy on our wedding day. ¬†I had to take a Tylenol PM last night just to fall asleep before 4am.

People who don’t follow basketball or the Timberwolves just don’t get it. ¬†“What’s the big deal? ¬†He’s a shell of his former self. ¬†He’s 95. ¬†Why not sign Betty White’s mom too?” ¬†I don’t care if Kevin Garnett had dementia,¬†progeria and lost both his arms and legs from diabetes. ¬†I would push him out there on a skateboard myself. ¬†Don’t you see? ¬†He came back to us. ¬†The greatest superstar in our history. ¬†The only superstar in our history. ¬†A giant¬†with whom we slogged through 12 years of pain, triumph, loss and glory. ¬†Our identity. ¬†And he chose to come back. ¬†Because he loves us and we love him. ¬†We never stopped loving him. ¬†He’s the Prodigal Son returned. ¬†Quick! ¬†Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ¬†Bring the fattened calf and kill it. ¬†Let‚Äôs have a feast and celebrate! ¬†

I told you I was disproportionately excited.

Let’s get something out of the way here: ¬†KG is not going to average 25 and 12. ¬†He’s been playing 20 minutes a game for the Nets this year and averaging 6.8 points and 6.8 rebounds. ¬†Who knows if he’ll even play 2/3 of the remaining 30 games? ¬†That’s not what bringing Kevin Garnett back is about. ¬†The Big Ticket is all about the big picture. ¬†Here’s what Kevin Garnett will do for us now and in the future: ¬†He will provide much needed leadership and competitive nature in the locker room and the bench. ¬†He will help guide Andrew Wiggins into superstardom. ¬†He will yell at Anthony Bennett for eating gravy-covered, fried¬†Twinkie pancakes¬†during halftime.¬† He will scare everybody into having pride. ¬†And then he will retire a Wolf, transition into a front office job and buy the team from Glen “Cosby Sweater” Taylor as a minority owner. ¬†He will be a fucking beast.

And he might just save our franchise.

No pressure, KG.

Next up we play the Phoenix Suns tonight at home.  Garnett will NOT be joining the team in time for this game, so no need for me to show up at the Target Center in my full-size KG adult footsie.  Yet.

Welcome back, Real Kevin.

GO WOLVES!!!  ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!

Well, the NBA trade deadline came and went and the Timberwolves sat on their damn dumb hands and did nothing.  Come on! I need something more entertaining!  This season totally blows.  I need David Kahn to do something insane to keep it interesting, like get Paul Millsap in exchange for the entire Target Center.

“But David, where are we going to play?”

“Two words: Ice Palace. ¬†We will dominate the league unless somebody brings a bag of salt.”

I guess we need to keep Derrick Wiliams, because Kevin Love is out for most of the season. ¬†Brandon Roy would have been nice to get off the books since he’s really just taking up $5 million or so in contract. ¬†JJ would have been bad or good to see go, depending on which one we’re talking about. ¬†If it’s the one that destroyed the Oklahoma City Thunder earlier this year, then boo sad-face. ¬†If it’s the one that runs around in circles and thinks he’s a 7-footer, then adios Jose! ¬†Luke is the only guy who’s been there consistently for us all season without injuries. ¬†He’s like an old couch that’s full of rips, smells like your grandma and may have an old french dip somewhere in the cushion but you’ve had it for so long that you can’t stand to take it to Goodwill. ¬†Man, I hope nobody ever says that about me.

What concerns me is that by not making a trade, we didn’t clear up any salary space to sign Nikola Pekovic for what he’s worth this summer.¬† He’s expressed interest in staying, but there’s now a semi-decent chance he could sign as a free agent with the Portland Trailblazers.

Pekovic, don’t go! ¬†Where else are you going to find a freezing cold place that feels just like your homeland of Montenegro?

Okay, so I just google imaged Montenegro and it looks nothing like Minnesota.  But all the swords and skulls makes more sense now.  Photo from nationalgeographic.com

Okay, so I just google imaged Montenegro and it looks nothing like Minnesota. But all of Pek’s sword and skull tattoos make more sense now. ¬†Hazzah! ¬†Photo from nationalgeographic.com

Sigh. ¬†So this is it. ¬†This is the team we’re going to have for the rest of the year. ¬†Gimps, rejects and hobos. ¬†If only we were in the East! ¬†We beat Philly last night and they freaking suck. ¬†So do we, but they’re in the East so they are still in the playoff race. ¬†If we were in the East we would be 48-3 right now. ¬†The East consists of the Miami Heat, New York Knicks and 13 other teams full of off-season soccer players, retired mechanics and last year’s losers from Project Runway. ¬†The Charlotte Bobcats are actually just 12 holograms of 2-Pac that nobody’s noticed yet.

Next up, the Timberwolves play the Thunder in Oklahoma on Friday. ¬†That’s great! ¬†The third best record in the league against a team that’s excited just to not have an injury in the last week. ¬†They should let us have Russell Westbrook for the night just to make it interesting. ¬†Or make Kevin Durant play with his shoelaces tied together.

We’re going to get¬†annihilated.

Technically, the Minnesota Timberwolves still have a shot at the playoffs.¬† But technically, I also have a shot at winning a break-dancing competition in Harlem while dressed like Kramer from Seinfeld.¬† In other words, NBA Lottery Draft here we come.¬† Summer just wouldn’t be summer in Minnesota without a suped-up hopper full of ping-pong balls.

I refuse to totally give up on this season, though.¬† Not because I am a hopeful little angel of light and joy, but because I am stubborn as a ice-fisherman in April and mildly obsessive-compulsive (self-diagnosed) and have pinned my entire happiness on how well the Timberwolves do.¬† Last season sucked shit.¬† The season before that sucked shit.¬† Everything that didn’t have Kevin Garnett’s name on it has sucked shit (and even a couple of those have too).¬† This was supposed to be the season of the ceasing of the shit.¬† Instead, shit got real.¬† So I have two options:¬† Cry and complain that I am a fan of the new Clippers.¬† Or smile big and wide and Stepford Wife my way through another goddamn Timberwolves season.

So…big smiles everyone!¬† There’s a lot left in this Timberwolves season to enjoy.¬† Ricky Rubio is really starting to up his play in the last half-dozen games.¬† At some point this season, believe it or not, we may even have all of our players back.¬† Except for Brandon Roy.¬† Let’s be honest, unless the NBA allows him to push himself around on a skateboard, that dude’s never coming back.¬† And then there’s a possibility of some kind of trade(s) happening before the February 21st trade deadline.¬† If one thing makes having a cast of gimpy, ill-equipped scrubs tolerable it’s having a slightly different cast of gimpy, ill-equipped scrubs.¬† To the trade scenarios!

Luke Ridnour for Raja Bell – According to 1500 ESPN Twin Cities, this trade with the Utah Jazz has been in discussion.¬† Oh Luke.¬† You know this poor bastard just wants to play on a contender just once in his career.¬† Just once!¬† Can we just trade him to Miami as a Make-A-Wish?¬† He’ll get a championship and we’ll get Juwan Howard’s ancient bones and his Cosby sweater.¬† Who cares?¬† He’d play as much as Kevin Love does.

Speaking of Kevin Love – The Minnesota Timberwolves WILL NOT trade Kevin Love.¬† All you bloggers/Bleacher Report hacks can just shut your faces about that.¬† I read some dude’s blubbery malarkey on RantSports about the Wolves trading Love for Carlos Boozer and a Bulls’ draft pick.¬† Are you fucking kidding me?¬† I know Glen Taylor and David Kahn are stupid, but that’s like dunking the ball at the buzzer when we’re down by three level stupid.¬† (I will never forgive you, Martell Webster!)¬† How insulting is it to us that people assume that since we have a superstar player, we just have to trade them because surely they’re not happy here?¬† Kevin Love is plenty happy, alright? His beard wouldn’t work in Los Angeles anyway, with all the heat and smog and spray-tanning.

Derrick Williams for Kyrie Irving – This trade involves a bit of mind-control and a mulligan on an entire year of basketball.¬† But I know a hypnotist/magician who might be able to convince someone to swap last year’s #1 pick/star of the future for last year’s #2 pick/Wes Johnson of the future.¬† All I need is some candles, a stereo that can play New Age subliminal messages on tape and someone willing to kidnap Dan Gilbert.

Greg Steimsma for Bigfoot  РHear me out, okay?  First off, ticket sales would spike.  And Bigfoot would serve the exact same purpose as the Steamer by running around all willy-nilly and blocking a shot here or there seemingly by accident.  He also might freak out some of the more germophobic NBA stars.  And he kind of looks like Teen Wolf and that story ended with a championship.

He would foul out slower than Greg Steimsma.  Photo from deathandtaxesmag.com

He would foul out slower than Greg Steimsma. Photo from deathandtaxesmag.com

Our last game before the All-Star break is this Wednesday against the Utah Jazz at home.  Will the Jazz show up with a salty pair of magic underwear just for Luke Ridnour?  Stay tuned, sports fans!