Posts Tagged ‘trade’

Kevin Love is an amazing player.  He’s arguably a top five NBA talent and definitely top ten.  He’s got incredible stats and improves year after year.

He is not, however, a leader.

He is in fact a whiny bitch.

“I just want to win, wherever that may be,” says Kevin Love.

What ever happened to CREATING a winning environment?  Whatever happened to being an inspiration to win?  Whatever happened to making everyone and everything around you rise to that level?  I am no professional athlete.  I honestly can’t even touch my toes.  Every time my dog comes near me she sticks her nose down my belly button like there might be a sandwich in there.  There probably is.  But I simply don’t understand this post-Jordan culture of “If you can’t beat them, join them.”  Of jumping ship the minute you’re dissatisfied.  You are not a winner if you leave a losing situation that you were the main cog of just to go to a place that is already winning.  That makes you a Benedict Arnold.  It makes you the guy from the Goonies in the Matrix who just wants a steak.  Even worse, it makes you Dwight Howard.

Yes, the Minnesota Timberwolves organization is a blundering behemoth of bullshit.  It’s a parade of Jonny Flynn draftings, Darko Milicic signings, Kevin Love max contract snubbings and every other dumbass move you can think of.  But that was because of David Kahn.  He’s gone now.  We had 40 wins last season in a brutal Western Conference.  We lost a dozen games by a margin of 4 points or less because of a (now gone) legendary coach who unfortunately was long past mentally checked out.  For three years we’ve had crippling injuries.  Still, we have Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Kevin Martin, Corey Brewer and a very intriguing sophomore class.  We could make the playoffs next year.  We could get 50 wins.

But we won’t, because Kevin Love will be gone.  Because he can’t lead and he won’t lead.

So go on, get gone.  Find your #1, Mr. #2.  Go be the Kelly Rowland to someone’s Beyoncé.  The Bumblebee to someone’s Optimus Prime.  The Mike Love to someone else’s Brian Wilson.

What’s the worst that’ll happen to the Timberwolves without him?  We STILL don’t make the playoffs?  That’s called Tuesday here in Minnesota.

Kevin Love Trade

Photo from

Photo from

There’s not much I can say about Kevin Love that I haven’t already said.  He’s a snake and a whiner and he’s going to leave us.  Sure as Wally Szczerbiak is white, David Kahn is stupid and Sam Cassell has fetal alcohol syndrome.


Yeah, he’s a superstar and a one of a kind talent.  But in six years with him we didn’t make the playoffs once.  Not once!  What’s the worst that can happen without him?  We continue to still not make the playoffs?  That’s like being afraid that your motorless Omni Hatchback won’t start.  I’d rather have 12 Ricky Rubios that actually want to be here than one superstar who’s got one foot on the beach and the other up our ass.

Well, it’s time to put his foot where it belongs: Up his own ass.

Send him to Cleveland.

You got a problem with being on an inept team there, Kevvy?  You don’t even KNOW ineptitude. Meet Dan Gilbert.  He makes David Kahn look like Keyser Soze.  And they’re just stupid enough to trade for you and think they can convince you to stay with pipedreams of luring LeBron James the next year.  Please, please fall for that.  It will be so amazing to see your face drop when that doesn’t happen.  When your paychecks are written in Comic Sans and you realize you’re in a town who’s slogan is literally “We’re Not Detroit“, then please think of Minneapolis and how we nurtured you.  How we took you in when you were just a fat, puffy white dude who liked to collect coats and pad your stats.  We adopted you.  We believed in you.  We laughed at your jokes and ignored your non-existent defense.  We pretended like you were the first Kevin who ever won our hearts.  We considered you a #1 option when you’re clearly only a #2.  Because it could have been worse.

Give him worse.

Send him to goddamn Cleveland.

Dan Gilbert must have made Anthony Bennett give Adam Silver one big sloppy Ohio blowjob for them to get the #1 pick again.  Unreal.  They don’t deserve it.  We do.  Make them trade it to us along with Dion Waiters for Kevin Love, JJ Barea and Glen Taylor.  Just like that, everything is right in the world again.  Cleveland gets the whiny bitch, Lakers fans are sad and we make the playoffs exactly as much as we did with Kevin Love: Zero.

Yeah, Andrew Wiggins would just end up leaving us, too.  But he’s from Canada.  Minnesota is like Texas to those weirdos.  Our weather is tropical in comparison and yet we’re still on the border, so he can skip over to get Tim Horton’s, watch Avril Lavigne concerts and buy maple leaf underwear.  And it’d take at least six years before he could push his way out, anyway.

Wouldn’t it be nice?

Smells like Cleveland. Photo from

Smells like Cleveland. Photo from

Photoshop by José Eça de Queiroz.

Photoshop by José Eça de Queiroz

You know how when people die they supposedly see the light and feel a sense of calm and peace?  That’s how I feel right now with the potential Minnesota death of Kevin Love.  I see the light.  I don’t feel the pain anymore.  I’m accepting of whatever fate may be.  A semi-truck named David Kahn t-boned my Ford Focus of a Timberwolves team and I’m screwed.  But Gorgui Dieng is giving me CPR.  And Robbie Hummel is calling 911.  Shabazz Muhammad is playing Angry Birds but he really is thinking about helping.

It’s not the end of the world.  If Love stays, we’ll have a big future.  If he leaves, life goes on.  I make fun of Shabazz a lot, but he really does have the potential to be what everybody thought Michael Beasley could be.  He also has the potential to be just Michael Beasley.  The pendulum swings wide on Shabazz.  Here’s to hoping he doesn’t like weed.

Robbie Hummel doesn’t play a lot, but when he does he hussles his ass off and makes nice threes.  Unfortunately, he’s had more surgeries than Mickey Rourke’s face.  I have a firm belief that if Robbie “The Wrestler” Hummel can do enough yoga and pilates or whatever NBA players do to stay healthy, he could be a really solid NBA role player.  Here’s to hoping he doesn’t like bungee jumping.

Which brings me to the Senegal Sensation, Gorgui Dieng.  Nothing but positivity here.  Who saw this shit coming?  He’s averaging 13 points, 14 rebounds and nearly 60% shooting in the last six games, all of which he started in place of the injured Nikola Pekovic. In those six games, he had one 22 point/21 rebound game and one 15/15 game.  BEAST!  I love Pek.  He’s my favorite player.  But in the meantime, I’m enjoying the hell out of watching Gorgui gallop around the court like a wobbly, newborn, giant moose unleashed on a world-full of unsuspecting Precious Moments figurines.  He’s not quite there yet, but you can see it in him.  He’s already great defensively and actually has some nice offensive moves too.  Here’s my favorite part: His first name means “Old one” in his native tongue of Wolof.  He even speaks Wolf.

Gorgui Dieng - Born Minnesotan. Photo from

Gorgui Dieng – Born in Senegal/spiritually Minnesotan. Photo from

Look, Gorgui Dieng obviously isn’t the next Kevin Love. (Even though his rebounding stats have rivaled his in this stretch.)  He’s just a wee-little Timberpup right now.  But I need hope.  Kevin Love has been dragging my tattered Timberwolves heart around for too long.  We don’t need him.  We’ve sucked for ten years, so what’s sucking for a few more with players that actually want to be here?  In two years, we could conceivably have a line-up that consists of Ricky Rubio, Shabazz Muhammed, Corey Brewer, Gorgui Dieng and Nikola Pekovic.  Good enough to get into the playoffs?  Who knows?  Maybe the Bucks will get bought by the Seattle group and Minnesota will move to the Eastern Conference and we can sport a 10-72 record and still be the third best team in the East?  Do you know what all of those players have in common, though?  They’re tough as nails and don’t bitch and whine when things don’t go their way.  They don’t have rich uncle Beach Boys and need to be around a UCLA umbrella in Sun Tan Land at all times.  I just don’t get it.  I would play in a jar full of jelly in Siberia for the money these dudes are making.  Who cares if you live in a hip town?  Just suck it up for ten years, make your money and retire to Valhalla!

Next up, we play the Los Angeles Lakers on Friday at home.  I’d rather be an NBA team on the slow crescendo up than a faltering behemoth of a crumbling dynasty.  For the love of god, let’s beat this Lindsay Lohan of a team.

Go Wolves!

Derrick Williams, who struggled for playing time and often had too much glue on his hands, has been traded to the Sacramento Kings. Photo from

Derrick Williams is pulled from a game after accidentally gluing his hand to his jersey.  Photo from

A lot of Timberwolves fans are upset about the Derrick Williams for Luc Mbah a Moute trade with the Sacramento Kings.  Unless those people have a phobia of mispronouncing names, they should just calm down.

Derrick Williams is talented.  Unfortunately, most of those talents don’t equate being a good team basketball player.  If the league had a double-pump contest, or a “Who can make the most bone-headed play immediately after doing something good?” showdown, Derrick would probably win.  Other than that, he was mostly useless to us.  Yeah, he’s talented.  But guess what?  So is every player in the NBA.  If that wasn’t the case then I’d be suited up in my Larry Bird/John Stockton shorts doing whirly-bird hook-shots from half-court.  Another airball!  Where’s my paycheck?  Ca-ching!

Maybe Williams will go on to super-stardom in the happy, functional, mature, totally not cursed, non-violent family that is the Sacramento Kings?  I hope you understand sarcasm, son, because you just got bitch-slapped with it.  This is vicious Western Conference.  Almost literally every team is .500 or higher, while in the East you make the playoffs if you have a pulse and a can name which team Michael Jordan was on.  If you’re not with us, you’re against us.  I hope that DeMarcus Cousins headbutts Derrick Williams and he ricochets into Ben Mclemore, giving them all soap opera style amnesia and they forget how to play basketball.

So how long before we trade Shabazz?

Go Wolves.

"Hey tiny lady.  Wanna sneak into the Rookie Symposium together?" Photo by

“Hey tiny lady. Wanna sneak into the Rookie Symposium together?” Photo by

Technically, the Minnesota Timberwolves still have a shot at the playoffs.  But technically, I also have a shot at winning a break-dancing competition in Harlem while dressed like Kramer from Seinfeld.  In other words, NBA Lottery Draft here we come.  Summer just wouldn’t be summer in Minnesota without a suped-up hopper full of ping-pong balls.

I refuse to totally give up on this season, though.  Not because I am a hopeful little angel of light and joy, but because I am stubborn as a ice-fisherman in April and mildly obsessive-compulsive (self-diagnosed) and have pinned my entire happiness on how well the Timberwolves do.  Last season sucked shit.  The season before that sucked shit.  Everything that didn’t have Kevin Garnett’s name on it has sucked shit (and even a couple of those have too).  This was supposed to be the season of the ceasing of the shit.  Instead, shit got real.  So I have two options:  Cry and complain that I am a fan of the new Clippers.  Or smile big and wide and Stepford Wife my way through another goddamn Timberwolves season.

So…big smiles everyone!  There’s a lot left in this Timberwolves season to enjoy.  Ricky Rubio is really starting to up his play in the last half-dozen games.  At some point this season, believe it or not, we may even have all of our players back.  Except for Brandon Roy.  Let’s be honest, unless the NBA allows him to push himself around on a skateboard, that dude’s never coming back.  And then there’s a possibility of some kind of trade(s) happening before the February 21st trade deadline.  If one thing makes having a cast of gimpy, ill-equipped scrubs tolerable it’s having a slightly different cast of gimpy, ill-equipped scrubs.  To the trade scenarios!

Luke Ridnour for Raja Bell – According to 1500 ESPN Twin Cities, this trade with the Utah Jazz has been in discussion.  Oh Luke.  You know this poor bastard just wants to play on a contender just once in his career.  Just once!  Can we just trade him to Miami as a Make-A-Wish?  He’ll get a championship and we’ll get Juwan Howard’s ancient bones and his Cosby sweater.  Who cares?  He’d play as much as Kevin Love does.

Speaking of Kevin Love – The Minnesota Timberwolves WILL NOT trade Kevin Love.  All you bloggers/Bleacher Report hacks can just shut your faces about that.  I read some dude’s blubbery malarkey on RantSports about the Wolves trading Love for Carlos Boozer and a Bulls’ draft pick.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I know Glen Taylor and David Kahn are stupid, but that’s like dunking the ball at the buzzer when we’re down by three level stupid.  (I will never forgive you, Martell Webster!)  How insulting is it to us that people assume that since we have a superstar player, we just have to trade them because surely they’re not happy here?  Kevin Love is plenty happy, alright? His beard wouldn’t work in Los Angeles anyway, with all the heat and smog and spray-tanning.

Derrick Williams for Kyrie Irving – This trade involves a bit of mind-control and a mulligan on an entire year of basketball.  But I know a hypnotist/magician who might be able to convince someone to swap last year’s #1 pick/star of the future for last year’s #2 pick/Wes Johnson of the future.  All I need is some candles, a stereo that can play New Age subliminal messages on tape and someone willing to kidnap Dan Gilbert.

Greg Steimsma for Bigfoot  – Hear me out, okay?  First off, ticket sales would spike.  And Bigfoot would serve the exact same purpose as the Steamer by running around all willy-nilly and blocking a shot here or there seemingly by accident.  He also might freak out some of the more germophobic NBA stars.  And he kind of looks like Teen Wolf and that story ended with a championship.

He would foul out slower than Greg Steimsma.  Photo from

He would foul out slower than Greg Steimsma. Photo from

Our last game before the All-Star break is this Wednesday against the Utah Jazz at home.  Will the Jazz show up with a salty pair of magic underwear just for Luke Ridnour?  Stay tuned, sports fans!