Posts Tagged ‘wolvesnation’

lanceblow

No caption necessary

The Minnesota Timberwolves have signed journeyman, famous ear-blower and Dion Waiters soulmate Lance Stephenson to a 10-day contract.  On the surface, this seems like it has no downside.  What can happen in ten days, anyway?  Oh yeah:

donald-trump

Stephenson is a bit of an anomaly.  He seemingly has all the physical talent in the world mixed with the maturity of a third-grader who didn’t get his Fruit Roll-Up.  He’s like Yosemite Sam without any guns or a hat or a home.

And yet, I’m optimistic.  I have to be, I’m a Timberwolves fan.  Optimism is all we have.  Every true Wolves fan is delusionally under the impression that “MAYBE THIS IS IT?”.  Michael Beasley, JJ Barea, Andrei Kirilenko…it always seems good on paper.  And then they smoke themselves silly (and leave an estate sale full of wine stains and decorative eggs), get into fights about who’s the alpha on the team even though they’re 4’2″ and physically crumble like a Russian tea cake someone left on Boris Yeltsin’s radiator.

BEST CASE SCENARIO:

Lance has a resurgence a la Dion Waiters in Miami and we sign him for the rest of the year.  He continues to blow in LeBron’s ear (because that is awesome).  His former mentor, Larry Bird, is so moved by Lance’s redemption story that he leaves the Pacers’ front office, gets a robotic spine and returns to basketball as a Timberwolves player, beginning our run of 33 consecutive NBA titles.

WORST CASE SCENARIO:

He accidentally kills Karl-Anthony Towns on Day 3 after bringing an ATV to practice.

WHAT WILL REALLY HAPPEN:

Lance will be Lance.  And by that I mean an idiot.  He’ll have a few amazing shots, but mostly will swing his dick around and possibly bring a Nintendo Switch onto the court.  We will sign him for the rest of the year, because we are Minnesota.  He’ll be in China by summer, which is where former Timberwolves go to feel better about themselves.  He’ll average 45 ppg until he blows into Chinese leader Xi Jinping’s ear, after which he’ll spend the rest of his life making LeBron James’ shoes in a basement in Beijing.

Next up we play the Raptors in Minneapolis.  Screw you, Toronto!  You’ll never get Maple Jordan back!

GO WOLVES!!!

 

Steph Curry is arguably the greatest and most marketable player currently in the NBA.  And now Curry has something that neither LeBron or Durant have: his own pair of Baby Boomer tennies.

StephCurryShoes

The hottest shoes at Bingo Night.

Listen, I’m no fashion expert.  I will go outside with a giant stain covering half of my shirt if my wife doesn’t stop me.  But I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing these unless I was a narc trying to infiltrate a Paul Simon concert.  These shoes should come with grass stains, because they are identical to the ones your dad wears when he mows the lawn.  I’m pretty sure these come with a free phone clip to attach to your belt.

Brodystain

Just another day for Mike Brody

How insane is it that a 38-year-old white guy with zero taste can sit here making fun of an NBA star’s signature shoes?   I’m convinced Under Armour had a warehouse shipping mistake and somewhere there’s a horde of Cocoon-aged retirees learning to play tennis for the first time wearing neon purple designer pimp shoes.  Did the guy who invented New Coke move into shoe design?  If lactose-free unflavored yogurt were a shoe, these would be it.

They should call these “The Matlocks”.  Better yet, they should call these the “Dell Curry’s” because they resemble something Steph’s dad would have worn to file his taxes in 1988.

DellCurry

Steph’s dad’s shoes were cooler and he wore shorts up to his nuts.

I talked to 7’3″ retired NBA player Randy Breuer once.  He said that Reebok gave him 100 pairs of size 18 Reebok Pumps in 1989 and he still has most of them.  He just wears a pair until they blow out and then puts on the next Bigfoot gurney.  So it stands to reason that Curry will have 100 or so in his basement until 2090.

Here’s a couple things he can do to fix the situation:

  • Attempt to return them to Kohl’s
  • Donate them to crazy old man gum-mouth Steve Kerr.
  • Make sure that Klay Thompson’s new shoes are white Crocs.

And yet, he’ll still make more money off these then I will make in a lifetime.

New life-plan: Steal Steph Curry’s 100 sneakers and sell them on Craigslist as George Mikan originals.  Hello retirement!

 

 

 

 

Well I’ll be damned.  Glen Taylor can make good decisions after all. All it took was for him to pay someone else to make them.  Mr. Peanut just hired some fancy-pants consulting firm, who I’ve never heard of but I know they’re fancy because someone told me they were, to vet and choose the next Wolves coach and president.

I’ve heard that when he’s not busy being a Magneto double, Taylor’s actually a really nice guy.  But is this really the dude you want making basketball decisions for your team?

glen

“You guys listening to the rippity-rap? No, I’m not a cop.”

Do you realize what this means?  This means someone who is good at decisions will be making them.  My god!  What’s that like?  And he fired Mitchell!  Taylor doesn’t fire his friends, he gives them bonuses for being stupid and then buys them a bathtub gin and a Model-T Ford.  “Ah woo gah!”

So who’s going to be the replacement?  There are a few candidates for the new Timberwolves coaching position:

  1. Tom Thibodeau – He’s a workhorse and he stresses defense, which is something we’re as familiar with as Mongolian literature.  However, I recently talked to a retired Timberwolf who played with Thibs when he was an assistant for us and he called him “Dumb as shit.”  That really has nothing to do with anything but it’s awesome.
  2. Scott Brooks – He kind of looks like Steve Kerr.  Maybe that’ll translate into a 73 win season next year?
  3. Dave Joerger – Minnesota guy.  That’s all it takes for Minnesotans to want someone around.  Minnesotans would take Jerry Sandusky if he were from Maplewood.
  4. Jeff Van Gundy – Only if this happens every game.
  5. Mark Jackson – Eh, who needs a coach  anyway?

That’s it for our season!  We ended up with 29 wins, which is disappointing if Flip were still in the picture but really great considering he wasn’t.  We have a potential top five lottery pick coming up this summer and the Target Center is getting renovated.  I say this every year but NEXT YEAR WE’RE GOING TO BE AWESOME!  See you next season when I come up with all the other excuses for why we still suck.

GO WOLVES!

 

I haven’t written a Timberwolves blog in a long time.  How could I, when Sam Mitchell has beaten, slapped, squeezed, tea-bagged and Timberwolved all the joy out of everything that made the team fun?  My heart is broken, like Zach LaVine finding out Space Jam isn’t real.

I got depressed.  I didn’t want to write 20 blogs in a row about my burning hatred of Mitchell and how I JUST KNOW they’re going to hire that human centipede full time this summer.  How we’ll sign Karl-Anthony Towns’ alter-ego “Karlito” and then pick up “Lil’ Penny” to make him feel more at home.  Then we’ll trade for some geezer named “Jellybean” who was old enough to play in Morris Day & The Time and start him over one of our future All-Stars because “I’m Sam Mitchell and I know everything, except how stupid having one earring looks on a grown man in 2016.  And basketball.”

Being a Timberwolves fan is like going to a mall with tons of cool stores that all promise to be open next year.  What are we supposed to do in the meantime?  Enjoy this kiosk?  I don’t want a Superman belt-buckle or hermit crabs, I want goddamn Lego Land open!  This mall has been under construction for 14 years!  Our losing record can almost legally drive to this hypothetical mall!

sad-panda

Timberwolves fans from 2004-present

A break was needed.  But now I’m back.  I’m back for all the highs and lows and lows and lows.  I’m back for Bill Simmons actually saying the first nice thing he’s ever said about the Timberwolves.  I’m back for our future draft pick and rising stars, even though it’s less clear who’s steering this ship than who’s running the Illuminati.  I’m back for the soon-to-be-refurbished stadium, because when this beast was built Heavy D & The Boys were still cutting edge.

Just please…whoever’s calling the shots out there in Timberwolf Land – don’t hire Sam Mitchell.  I’ll take anybody else.  I’ll take Kurt Rambis, the panda from above, the weird hitch-hiking robot from Canada that New Jersey destroyed.  I’ll take this other Sam Mitchell, who I accidentally found in a Google search and seems to be some kind of rugby/cricket/white-person-ball player from Tasmania who dresses like a sporty bumblebee:

sam-mitchell-other

I bet he’d play Towns

Next up we play the Clippers in Minneapolis.  Blake Griffin is almost back from his suspension for punching a staff member.  Suddenly I want him on our team.

Go Wolves!

 

It actually happened.  JJ Barea is gone.

The Wolves bought out his contract and waived him.  It’s all kind of bittersweet.  JJ was like an old recliner with pizza sauce crusted all over it.  Gross, embarrassing and definitely half covered in dog pee.  But also comfortable, because you can lean back on it or tilt it on it’s side and nobody cares if it snaps in half.  If he made a shot, great.  If he missed, well, you could curse him and expect to see him on the side of the curb by morning.

And now all our villains are gone.  Maniacally yelling at 1-2 Timberwolves is how I’ve survived these last few years.  Who is it going to be now?  I love the whole team.  Andrew Wiggins is the most likeable person on the planet.  I’m pretty sure Ronny Turiaf would find me and give me a hug and a $20 bill if I tweeted that I needed one.  Ricky Rubio farts Care Bears.  There’s always our idiot owner Glen Taylor, but that’s like getting mad at Daffy Duck for not wearing pants.  He wouldn’t even know what you mean.

I’ve reluctantly narrowed it down to three candidates:

Zach LaVine:  He’s a candidate because of his famous “Fuck me” incident.  He’s struggling to learn the point guard position and he seems pretty arrogant.  But damnit, I love that!  I love arrogant players. We’ve been too nice and awkward for too long.  We’re probably going to win 20-35 games, so in that process I want someone who will throw down a vicious dunk in a game while simultaneously filming it on his camera phone for Vine.  I want someone who probably kisses a velvet painting of himself before he goes to bed.  I want NBA Liberace!  Zach, you’re still cool.

Shabazz Muhammad:  Shabazz would have been perfect except for two complications: He never plays and he’s been working super hard in the off-season.  How do you hate that?  I fear that my biggest chance for a heel will just be sitting on the sidelines all season, looking ripped and innocent.  Have you seen his abs lately?  His stomach looks like a giant, unused roll of giant bubble wrap.  And everybody loves bubble wrap!  I just want to squeeze it and pop him until he can’t even stand up, for lack of stomach muscles.  I can’t stay mad at Shabubble!  Next!

Chase Budinger:  Ug, Chase Budinger.  It’s gotta be you, buddy.  Sorry, man.  You’re a good player and you’re supposedly getting your wheels back.  I don’t want to do this, but it’s for the good of the whole team and my own well-being.  So forgive me for having to pull a Harry & The Hendersons goodbye scene, but I have no choice.  Oh god this is hard:  “Get out of here, Chase Budinger!  Don’t you see we don’t want you anymore?  Why don’t you go back where you came from?  Now, leave us alone! *punches Chase in the face* Go. Go!”

Oh my god, that clip is so sad.  I’m still traumatized.  Come back, Chase.

harry

Tonight is the first night of the NBA season!  Wednesday is the Timberwolves’ season opener on the road against Memphis and then Thursday is the home opener against Detroit.  Go Wolves!

LAKERS

Watching the 2014 Lakers is like watching a 2014 Smashing Pumpkins concert: I think I recognize one of them.

Welcome to the slow decline that is the Los Angeles Lakers.  This is a team with an aging, injured superstar with a Halliburton-sized contract, a clueless owner and an inept coach.  If the Kobe Bryant golden years are the Beatles, then this team is Wings without Paul McCartney.

So really, who are these people?  Let’s take a look at each player individually and get a good background on what they’re all about:

1) Kobe Bryant – Obviously we all know this man.  He’s a legend.  He’s also the kind of guy that would shoot you in the leg so the zombies would get you first, even though you’re at Disney World and there’s no such thing as zombies.  Luckily, he’s ending all of the Jordan-Kobe debate on his own, because Jordan was never a draining emotional and financial burden on his team for the last five years of his career.  The Lakers are screwed.  Thanks Kobe!

2) Pau Gasol – Poor Pau.  He doesn’t get any respect.  Even though without him, the Lakers wouldn’t have two of those 11 championships. (Sorry, I don’t count the five that were actually won by the MINNEAPOLIS LAKERS.)  On the plus side, living in LA has afforded him considerable acting opportunities:

Pau Gasol's cameo in "The Dark Crystal."  Photo from boards.soapoperanetwork.com

Pau Gasol’s cameo in “The Dark Crystal.” Photo from boards.soapoperanetwork.com

3) Steve Nash – Steve Nash is a Los Angeles Laker the way that a taxidermied buck head is a deer.  Only technically and partially.  Robocop has more human parts than him.

4) Nick Young – Admittedly, he is the best of the new crop of Lakers.  However, to quote a Doug Stanhope line: “That’s like being the prettiest waitress at Denny’s.”

5) Steve Blake – He has a wicked long-range shot, but it still doesn’t convince me that he’s not a NARC.  He’s got a real Donnie Brasco vibe to him.  Does anybody actually know where he came from?  $50 says he’s wearing a wire.

6) Chris Kaman – Seriously?  What year is this?

7) Jodie Meeks – I love his name.  It’s the most passive thing ever.  “Um hi, I’m Jodie Meeks.  Some people call me Linda Wishy-Washy.  Yeah, go ahead and take my seat.”

8) Jordan Hill – NBA players with dreads always creep me out.  They look like Wet Willy doing laps.

Photo from roadsideresort.com

Photo from roadsideresort.com

9) Manny Harris – Look at this man’s eyes.  That’s the look of a dude who thought he was signing up to play kickball with eight-year-olds.

Photo from a.espncdn.com

“Please don’t play me.” Photo from a.espncdn.com

10) Ryan Kelly – Fuck Duke.

11) Robert Sacre – Never trust a Canadian who looks like he was in Suicidal Tendencies.

12) Xavier Henry –  I loved him in “Singles“.

13) Jordan Farmar – Even Jordan Farmar doesn’t care about Jordan Farmar.  The only thing interesting about him is how he managed to fasten two potato skins to his head and people still believe they’re ears.

"I'm smiling because the chives and sour cream is tickling my brain." Photo from blacksportsonline.com

“I’m smiling because the chives and sour cream are tickling my brain.” Photo from blacksportsonline.com

14) Kendall Marshall – “Excuse me, my son and I have third row seats and we found a jersey on my chair.  What? I won the free roster spot giveaway?  No way!  Can my son play too?  YES?!  Come on, son!”

15) Wesley Johnson – “Yay!  We won a spot, Dad!”

Next up, we play OKC on the road.  I started my own Timberwolves Twitter account so I can live-tweet the games and talk massive shit.  Join me tonight at 7pm central at @TWolvesFanBlog!

Go Wolves!

Photo from a.espncdn.com

Photo from a.espncdn.com

Oh, Chicago Bulls fans. You’re the only fan-base that can truly grasp the pain that Minnesota has felt over the last couple years.  Instead of time spent celebrating playoff berths, or in your case potential championships, it’s time spent checking the injured list, battling seasonal depression and setting your Thorazine dosage to “drool.”  So in the spirit of Midwestern camaraderie, allow me to share a couple coping mechanisms and tips that I’ve learned from years spent supporting one of the most injured, disappointing and confused teams in league history:

Tip #1 – Lower your standards:

Yes, you have six championships with Michael Jordan.  But the last time he wore a Chicago uniform The Prodigy was popular and the internet still looked like Pong.  Greg Oden, a man who Rip Van Winkle would call rusty, is currently getting more minutes than your superstar heir, Derrick Rose.  You guys are screwed.  You have Brandon Roy 2.0.  It sucks and I feel bad for you.  But here’s the good news: We will take him off your hands, sign him for $10 million and get five games out of him before he retires again for good.  The Minnesota Timberwolves front office is the garage-saler of the NBA.

Tip #2 – Get excited about marginal players:

When Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Chase Budinger or any one of our porcelain players (that’s not a white joke) got hurt, we had to force ourselves to be elated for random, lackluster signings.  When we signed Mickaël Gelabale halfway through last season, I got super amped up.  Not just because it allowed the rare opportunity to type an umlaut in a basketball situation, or because he looks super funny in hats, but because I GODDAMN HAD TO.  Distract yourself, Chicago.  Re-sign an elderly Bill Cartwright.  Or go get Jud Buechler Jr.  It doesn’t matter that he’s only 12.  It’s about the memories!

Tip #3 – Find one person in the front office and blame them mercilessly:

Last year it was David Kahn, before that it was Kevin McHale.  Right now Flip’s KG years are buying him some time, but tick-tock, motherfucker.  All Minnesota Timberwolves fans hate our owner, Glen Taylor.  He’s the root of all evil and a pariah for all sentient beings.  He would draft a Dodge Omni hatchback over Michael Jordan and then piss the hatchback off for not paying it enough.

Tip #4 – Root against yourself:

Just for a year!  Don’t get a new team, just support every team that plays against you.  It’ll feel like winning. Besides, you know you’ve always wanted to boo Carlos Boozer.

Next up, the Timberwolves play the New Orleans Pelicans in Minneapolis.  BOO TIMBERWOLVES!!!  GO PELICANS!  Let’s rub that unibrow all over everybody!