Basketball_Award_533536

The NBA season isn’t over yet, but it sure as shit is for the Timberwolves.  Stick a rusty, injured, confused, teenage, non-defense playing fork in it!  But hey, what better time to roll out the end of the season Timberwolves Awards than right when the rest of the basketball world is gearing up to start playing for realsies?

Here are my awards for each Timberwolves player currently on the roster.  Someday I’ll get to do this when there’s actual leaves on the trees:

MVP: Ricky Rubio - We simply need this wobbly noodle of a man-boy.  Only Minnesota and Spain seem to realize how good he is.  Maybe if we got on national television more often than chimpanzees go to space, the rest of the world would catch on?  Rubio to Wiggins forever!

Brightest Future Award: Andrew Wiggins - Speaking of forever, I want to use this space to say FUCK YOU to Toronto and everybody associated with it that thinks they’re going to steal him from us.  Oh you guys think you’re so cool because you got Drake?  Well, we got Bob Dylan, Prince and sometimes Josh Harnett so go suck on that you mountie-butted syrup-lickers!  Do you really think we’re going to let Wiggins go after the whole Kevin Love debacle?  NEVER!  Rob Ford has a better chance of being elected President or Premier or His Holiness or whatever the fuck you guys call your leaders there but nobody knows because nobody cares about Canada.

Most Likely To Become A Bag Of Pencil Shavings Next Year Award: Kevin Garnett - Dear god, he’s old.  He’s older than me and I don’t even play pick-up basketball anymore for fear of needing a hip replacement.  I love KG.  I love him like my dog loves pooping on a very specific piece of paneling on our floor.  It’s direct and special.  But I believe we are going to sign him to a two-year contract and that is going to be interesting.  One-Eyed Willy has got more in the tank than KG.  Let’s just hope he buys this damn team.

Most Likely To Shoot No Matter What Award: Kevin Martin - Well, I guess somebody’s got to score.  It’d be nice if Wiggins could get more of those shots, but you just can’t seem to stop K-Mart from lobbing up his weird sideways rubber-band sling-shot.  I know it usually goes in, but it’s like he shoots it from his belly button somehow.  It gives me a seizure.

Somehow Managed To Play Less Games Than Kevin Garnett Award: Nikola Pekovic - People always say that Pekovic looks like Non The Destroyer from Superman 2, but at least Non was in the whole movie.  Lose some weight, you giant walrus.  At least the 500lb women of Walmart know when to get on a Rascal.

The “Their Mom Was Definitely Drunk When They Spelled His Name On The Birth Certificate” Award: Adreian Payne - Really?  Adreian?  What’re you saving up all those vowels for?  Was your mom Vanna White?  That’s not fair, though.  My favorite basketball players ever were Miechaeol Jordan, Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarl Malone and AEIOU Johnson.

He Sucks Now But He’ll Definitely Be Better Next Year Award: Gorgui Dieng - This is Gorgui’s second time winning this award.  He’s slated to win it every year until he retires.

Best Dunker/Worst Player Award:  Zach LaVine - Hey, it worked for Harold Miner, right?

The “He’s Definitely Gone Next Year” Award: Gary Neal - Gary wants to live in Minnesota about as bad as Kim Kardashian.

Most Fun Name To Say Award: Shabazz Muhammad - Gorgui is fun to say, but Shabazz Muhammad is like taking your mouth on a motorcycle over a field of bubble-wrap.  SHABAZZ!  It makes me feel like Batman throwing smoke-pellet onto the ground.  SHABAZZ!!!!

The “Hey, Go Ahead And Take THIS One, Canada” Award: Anthony Bennett - Fuck you, Toronto.

Whitest Dude Alive Award MVP: Chase Budinger

Whitest Dude Alive Award Runner-up: Robbie Hummel

Whitest Dude Alive Newcomer Award: Justin Hamilton

The “I Totally Forgot That Lorenzo Brown Is On Our Team” Award: Lorenzo Brown 

Next up we play the Brooklyn Nets here in Minnesota.  I’m disappointed that it’s not in Brooklyn.  I was really looking forward to seeing their two year highlight video of KG’s 6 ppg for them.  Go Wolves!

Words cannot begin to describe the straight up love, euphoria and pandemonium of Kevin Garnett’s return to the Target Center last night.  I was lucky enough to witness it myself and it was honestly one of the greatest nights of my life.  Imagine if the world was liberated from overlord aliens by Davy Crockett, who just came back from the dead and also brought everybody pizza.  This MIGHT get close to the feeling.

Think about it: This was a Wednesday day night regular season game for a (then) 12 win team.  Sold out!  The crowd stood and cheered during the entire WARM-UP 25 minute shootaround. Then they played the spin-chilling intro clip of KG’s best MN moments and everybody lost their mind like it was a Phish concert after the mushrooms kicked in.  One hefty Mayor Tom Ford clone even took his shirt off and danced around with KG’s name painted on his chest. I’d forgotten what it felt like to have anything meaningful happen on a Timberwolves team.  This felt like the playoffs.  It felt like 2004.  Actually, since Montell Jordan played the halftime show it actually felt like 1995.  “This is how we do it! It’s Wednesday night!”  Maybe next game we’ll get Skee-Lo?

Garnett finished with only five points and eight rebounds in just over 18 minutes, but nobody cared.  This game wasn’t about stats.  KG instantly changed the culture of this team.  He barked on the court, on the bench and during time-outs.  He whipped the crowd into a frenzy.  People were literally chanting “KG!  KG!  KG!” in the streets outside the Target Center afterward.  I’m pretty sure he inspired the conception of 10,000 Minnnesotan babies last night.  I think I had a baby on my own just from being there.  I will name him “We Love You, Kevin”.

KGRETURN

Seeing KG do the old chest-fist bump in a Wolves uniform only caused me to have 9-10 sporadic nostalgic conniptions.

Yes, I’m aware that we are still a 13 win team and don’t have a shot in the world at the playoffs.  Us Timberwolves fans haven’t had a lot to cheer about the last ten or so years.  It’s been a sad, confusing parade of blunders and disappointments.  Derrick Rose’s knees have been more promising.  But just for a little bit, maybe even just one night, we were perfect.

MAY have been a little typo here.

MAY have been a little typo here.

Speaking of Derrick Rose, next up we play the Bulls in Chicago on Friday night.  The Bulls are one of the few teams that can rival us for tortured fanbases.  Except they have six rings and when they fall apart they still make the playoffs.  Go ahead and look for the world’s smallest violin in Pau Gasol’s Brillo Pad beard.

GO KG!!!  I MEAN WOLVES!!!  GO EVERYBODY!!!

KGKG

I am disproportionately excited about Kevin Garnett returning to Minnesota.  My wife even told me she doesn’t think I was this happy on our wedding day.  I had to take a Tylenol PM last night just to fall asleep before 4am.

People who don’t follow basketball or the Timberwolves just don’t get it.  “What’s the big deal?  He’s a shell of his former self.  He’s 95.  Why not sign Betty White’s mom too?”  I don’t care if Kevin Garnett had dementia, progeria and lost both his arms and legs from diabetes.  I would push him out there on a skateboard myself.  Don’t you see?  He came back to us.  The greatest superstar in our history.  The only superstar in our history.  A giant with whom we slogged through 12 years of pain, triumph, loss and glory.  Our identity.  And he chose to come back.  Because he loves us and we love him.  We never stopped loving him.  He’s the Prodigal Son returned.  Quick!  Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Bring the fattened calf and kill it.  Let’s have a feast and celebrate!  

I told you I was disproportionately excited.

Let’s get something out of the way here:  KG is not going to average 25 and 12.  He’s been playing 20 minutes a game for the Nets this year and averaging 6.8 points and 6.8 rebounds.  Who knows if he’ll even play 2/3 of the remaining 30 games?  That’s not what bringing Kevin Garnett back is about.  The Big Ticket is all about the big picture.  Here’s what Kevin Garnett will do for us now and in the future:  He will provide much needed leadership and competitive nature in the locker room and the bench.  He will help guide Andrew Wiggins into superstardom.  He will yell at Anthony Bennett for eating gravy-covered, fried Twinkie pancakes during halftime.  He will scare everybody into having pride.  And then he will retire a Wolf, transition into a front office job and buy the team from Glen “Cosby Sweater” Taylor as a minority owner.  He will be a fucking beast.

And he might just save our franchise.

No pressure, KG.

Next up we play the Phoenix Suns tonight at home.  Garnett will NOT be joining the team in time for this game, so no need for me to show up at the Target Center in my full-size KG adult footsie.  Yet.

Welcome back, Real Kevin.

GO WOLVES!!!  ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!

Photo from washingtonpost.com

Photo from washingtonpost.com

Supposedly, this was a really exciting All-Star Weekend.  Apparently Steph Curry made 13 straight shots to win the Three Point Contest.  I guess Andrew Wiggins got MVP in the Rising Stars Challenge.  Rumor has it that Russell Westbrook stopped dressing like Urkel for long enough to win the All-Star Game MVP on 41 points.  I wouldn’t know, because my brain has been melted into anesthesia because of this:

Holy Mary Mother of Jordan, did you see that?  There are coked-up kangaroos that can’t jump that high.  They need to check those shoes for illegal Flubber!  How can a human do this?  I can’t even tie my shoes without grunting and peeing a tiny bit.  The only way he’ll be able to top this next year is if he does 30 cartwheels in a row while on fire.

And he wasn’t even done yet.  He had three more mind-benders:

Admit it, you haven’t cared about the Slam Dunk Contest in years.  They’ve paraded out a long line of lame rookies and future D-Leaguers.  I think they let Paul McCartney do it in 2010.  When a star does do it, it’s only because they got paid $1,000,000 to jump over a Kia hood or wink and eat a Johnsonville Brat off the backboard.  Weak, weak, weak.

But Zach LaVine changed all that faster than Allen Iverson can ruin a bowling night.  He didn’t use any props and he didn’t yell “State Farm!” midair.  He just used good, old-fashioned, unearthly hops.  And a star was born.  Now, as Timberwolves fans, we aren’t going to tell anybody that at this point LaVine doesn’t know how to pass or hold onto the ball or understand plays.  That’s our little secret.  Right now the league’s fans think that between Wiggins and LaVine we have the next Durant/Westbrook.  Bless their souls.  Join the bandwagon, people!  Trust me, there’s lots of room!

Next up the Wolves play the perennially 9th seeded Suns in Phoenix on Friday.  The trade deadline is the same day.  Will Goran Dragic even be around by then?  Will the Timberwolves trade for the Papa Smurf version of Kevin Garnett?  Will Zach LaVine try and wear his Space Jam jersey every game from now on?  Tune in and see.  Go Wolves!

Great Sprewell’s spinning rims!  The Minnesota Timberwolves are healthy!  We haven’t been injury-free since Troy Hudson’s first rap album.  I don’t know what this feeling is.  For the last umpteenth years we’ve been able to blame everything on injuries.  Lost a game?  Ricky hurt his ankle.  Didn’t make the playoffs?  Kevin Love broke his hand.  Didn’t find a parking spot at the Target Center?  Oliver Miller wrecked himself pooping.

But now we’re uninjured.  And the irony is it’s probably going to hurt us.  I’m convinced that we are a slightly below .500 team when healthy.  However, there is a person named Jahlil Okafor that we want and we need loser-loser lottery ping-pong balls to get him.  What to do?  How do we tank without looking blatantly sad and lonely like Philadelphia?

I have a few secretly sad and lonely ideas:

This bastard better be good. Photo from cbssports.com

This bastard better be good. Photo from cbssports.com

1) Play Zach LaVine a bunch –  Zach LaVine is the “Beats By Dre” of basketball.  He looks good, but when you hit play it’s just a bunch of expensive rattling.  LaVine holds onto the ball about as well as a newborn golden retriever with a wet bar of soap.  Statistics have shown that we’d play better with a makeup-less, pantless Gene Simmons than Zach LaVine.  We get points for building hype/fanbase with Zach’s crazy jumping and get one ping-pong ball closer to a number one pick that’s not from Canada.  Win-win.  And by that I mean losing.

2)  Drug Flip Saunders on the bench – Not like a ton.  I don’t want any accidental overdoses here.  But look at Flip’s eyes.  You can’t tell me he doesn’t eat a brick of weed at least twice a week.  Put some salvia in his Gatorade cup.  That stuff’s supposed to make you go bat-shit for five minutes at a time.  Perfect!  Just enough to mess up a few plays here and there and spoil the game.  Maybe we’ll even get some bonus video of a half-there Flip pawing at Sam Mitchell’s face “Face-Off” style.

3) Falsely accuse owner Glen Taylor of being senile and imprison him in a 50s style insane asylum – Taylor will live out the rest of his days drooling, playing checkers with David Kahn and being forced to watch draft footage of him selecting Jonny Flynn over Steph Curry until the apocalypse comes.  This actually won’t make our team any worse but I just think it’s something that he deserves.

Two games ago we played the best team in the league, Atlanta.  Then we played the second best team, Golden State.  Next we play the 1992 Dream Team, Pac-Man after eating his roid pills and Jesus.  Go Wolves!

Ricky Rubio has returned!

Yeah, we lost again.  Whatever.  Like Dwight Howard being a douche-canoe, it’s to be expected.  But we were actually competitive for the first time in a long time.  And if we’re going to lose, I’d rather lose with amazing highlights like this and this and this AND THISSSSSSSSS!

You can’t really see what Rubio brings to the table unless you watch Timberwolves games regularly.  Admittedly, at this point the only people doing that are me, Ricky Rubio’s sister, Crunch and Zach LaVine.  I’ve seen things maaaaaan.  Dr. Seuss-y things.  I saw him twist a Kip-Kap Blommer into a fuzzle-buzzle.  You’d know if you watched.

Ricky still needs help though.  They say the NBA Lottery is rigged.  If so, what do we have to do to get a #1 up in this bitch?  Here’s some bribe ideas to toss NBA Commissioner Adam Silver’s way:

1) Get his hair did:

Perhaps a nice Jamaican Rasta look to tell the other league commissioners "I got my groove back!"

Perhaps a nice Jamaican Rasta look to tell the other league commissioners “I got my groove back!”

2) Get David Stern to do his famous “Levitate a basketball by doing my cat impression” trick: 

DavidStern

3) Free Tinder advice from Chase Budinger: 

chasebudinger

Brah, brah.  First I swipe right.  Then I tell them I’m Brian Scalabrine.” 

Next up we play the Heat on Wednesday in Miami.  I look forward to hearing their nine remaining fans sing that awful White Stripes song.  Go Wolves!

Ricky Rubio is an amazing player.  He also gets hurt more than Chevy Chase as President Ford on SNL.  Rubio hasn’t played a game in over two months and currently is planning a tailbone break in March.

I’m not mad at him.  If anything, it made me wonder what the poor guy’s been up lately?  Here are the seven things sources say Rubioops loves to do when he’s not falling down, twisting his ankle or tearing an ACL while twisting his ankle:

1)  Laying around in open shirts that match all of his pillows:

Rubio1

“Hey girl. This chest pelt took me 15 years to grow.” Photo from interbasket.net

2) Catching flies with his bare hands:

"I call this fly Kevin Love."

“I’m the #2 flycatcher in Espana after Pau Gasol’s beard!” Photo from media.tumblr.com

3) Looking at cameras like “Whaaaat?”:

"Whaaaaaat?" Photo from s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com

“Whaaaaaat?” Photo from s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com

4) Snapping the necks of basketballs that he pretends are David Kahn for making him live in Minnesota:

"Damn you Basketballhead Kahn!" Photo from pitihurtado.com/

“Damn you Basketballhead Kahn! I have to salt my salt to get to my mailbox!” Photo from pitihurtado.com/

5) Pretending he needs to shave more than once a year:

"I have a secret: The blades are made of yarn. My beard falls out when I get sad!" Photo from images2.fanpop.com

“I have a secret: The blades are made of yarn. My beard falls out when I get sad!” Photo from images2.fanpop.com

6) Ummmm…resting his head inside of a piece of lettuce:

"Setting my head on a pile of lettuce gives my broken limbs time to heal without disruption!" Photo from thetangential.com/

“It’s an ancient Spanish secret: Setting your head on a pile of lettuce gives your broken limbs time to heal without disruption! Plus, no carbs!” Photo from thetangential.com/

7) Being meticulously stalked and possibly murdered by this woman:

"Please help me.  I've been locked in her basement for two weeks now." Photo from cdn.inquisitr.com/

“Please help me. I’ve been locked in her basement for two weeks now.  She makes me watch ‘Misery’ while I bobble my head.” Photo from cdn.inquisitr.com/

Next up we play the Celtics in Boston on Wednesday.  If it’s canceled due to the snowstorm we should get the win automatically.  Minnesotans don’t cancel anything for snow, unless it’s because there’s not enough snow.  Go Wolves!  Let’s beat those frost-bitten gingers!