Goddamn these Timberwolves up and downs. If we were Philadelphia I could just go dead inside and pretend like I don’t base 95% of my happiness on how well a bunch of strangers in mesh polyester put a ball into a hoop.
But I can’t. Because I’m excited. And it feels weird to be excited. I think I just talked myself out of being excited. No, I’m excited again!
There is a perpetual doom and gloom about being a Timberwolves fan, where we just assume that the team will be broken up, or moved to Seattle or Wiggins will inevitably lose an eye in a tragic Jucy Lucy squirting catastrophe. I refuse to succumb to it.
Karl-Anthony Towns is my favorite Timberwolves rookie since Kevin Garnett. The great thing is, I said that about Andrew Wiggins last year. Ricky Rubio continues to be the best NBA player that the rest of the league never notices or respects. KG is the best mentor a team can ask for. Gorgui Dieng is playing awful this year but he moves around like a confused lava lamp and that’s soothing in a way. All positives!
No team is immune from breakup, but our core of Rubio/Towns/Wiggins are all top-notch dudes that want to win HERE. Plus, nobody leaves on KG’s watch. KG is the mafia boss of the NBA. You can try and leave, but you better get a fake identity and join the Hungarian badminton team to be safe, otherwise you’re waking up with a horse head and Stephon Marbury’s bloody jersey in your bed.
I’ve been paranoid for half a decade about this team being moved. Turns out they’re on contract for renovations through 2032 so it’s technically impossible. The relief! This is like thinking you have smallpox and finding out you just have small palms. Sorry, Supersonics fans. Guess you’ll just have to hope Portland grows big enough to touch Seattle. Hope you like hipsters!
There’s no way this team won’t end up being great someday. Even we can’t screw this up, right? It’s not like we’re a team that traded away two superstars, had a point guard focus more on a hip-hop album that made the Chicago Bears look like good rappers, drafted a player who’s not even in the league anymore over arguably the best player in the NBA and tried to coax women to games by offering a cup of wine and a free DVD of “Girls”.
Oh shit, we’re screwed. We are the Insane Clown Posse of the NBA and nobody but meth-heads will ever love us.
No, no. We’re the future NBA Champs and they’ll close the league after us because nobody will ever be able to top it!