My dog Frosty is ready for the new Timberwolves season.
Tags: dog coat, dog fleece, fleece, minnesota timberwolves, nba, nba dog, nba dog coat, nba dog fleece, pet jersey
Tags: andrew wiggins, anthony bennett, cleveland cavaliers, kevin love, miami heat, mike brody, minnesota timberwolves, nba, philadelphia 76ers, thaddeus young, zach lavine
This is not an anti-Kevin Love post.
I’ve focused so much mental energy on that man. I wrote blog after angry blog cursing him out. I begged him to stay. I even made a video about Minnesotans being too nice to burn his jersey.
But I’m done complaining. Kevin Love is gone and what we got back is probably the best haul for a superstar forcing his way out, ever:
Andrew Wiggins: Holy Moses Malone, we got Wiggins! I’ve been so worried for the past month that we’d screw it up or that the league would veto the trade. But it actually worked out and we now have arguably (and that’s a big arguably) the most touted talent since LeBron James joining our team. And he’s Canadian! People always bitch about our cold weather, but that’s nothing to a Canuck! Minnesota winters are Fiji to them! And we live close enough that we can import poutine and Tim Horton’s relatively cheaply to make him happy. The dude is chill and smiley and just wants to be on a team that wants him. Well guess what, Andrew? Minnesota wants you! We’re desperate and friendly and we’ll take you to our cabins up north to make you feel less homesick. Seriously, if you’d have told me a year ago that we’d have Andrew Freakin’ Wiggins right now I’d have punched you in the throat and demanded to know who sent you. But now, like KG said: “Anything is possible!” Let’s get Kevin Durant in 2016 and then maybe an android version of 1996 Scottie Pippen! Our starting center can be Bowser from Mario Kart!
Anthony Bennett: Okay, let’s be honest: Anthony Bennett had literally the worst season ever for a #1 overall pick last year. Like Nicki Minaj singing the national anthem and changing it to about butts bad. It’s not even worth going into Bennett’s stats. My high school varsity b-ball stats were better and I only scored two points total and even I was surprised the ball went in. However, there are reports all over the league that he’s really gotten into shape and is actually trying and doing pretty well in the summer league. If the fat kid from Teen Wolf can get better, then a former #1 player can too. Oh, and he’s also Canadian! Share the maple leafs, Wiggins, you got a Mountie buddy!
Thaddeus Young: I actually don’t know much about Thaddeus Young. I know he averaged 17ppg last year and everybody from Philly seemed to love him. More importantly, his name is incredible. Thaddeus sounds like the name an alien overlord would give himself to try to blend in and be more likeable. And according to Wikipedia, it’s the 611th most popular male name in America. (#610 is “Boy”.) But hey, Overlord Gladius Thaddeus will likely be our new starting PF and he has a reputation for NOT complaining, so count me in!
Throw these three fellas names in with other newcomers to our team like Zach Lavine and Mo Williams, then mix ‘em up with our carry-over players like Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Kevin Martin, Corey Brewer, Chase Budinger, Gorgui Dieng and even Shabazz Muhammad and we’ve got a pretty dang good team.
Maybe not playoffs good yet, but hey…why start now?
Tags: andrew wiggins, cleveland cavaliers, kevin love, lebron james, mike brody, minnesota timberwolves, nba, trade
Tags: andrew wiggins, big dog, bill simmons, glenn robinson iii, jabari parker, joel embiid, kevin love, mike brody, minnesota timberwolves, mock draft, nba, nba draft, zach lavine
The day after the NBA Draft is a lot like December 26th for most NBA fans. Everybody is flush with serotonin after opening goodies like Andrew Wiggins, Jabari Parker or (a partially factory defected) Joel Embiid. Even the rich kid who had everything (San Antonio) got a new fancy bike (Kyle Anderson). Who knows how it’ll all work out, but fans of Cleveland, Milwaukee, Philly and more all have visions of 60 win seasons dancing in their heads for now.
Not the Minnesota Timberwolves.
If the draft is Christmas then we are Jehovah’s Witnesses. No presents for us. We aren’t allowed them. Why not? Because the pagan god Mithra‘s birthday is on Christmas. What? That doesn’t make any sense. Exactly. Nothing makes sense for us, ever. It makes more sense to me that Flip Saunders makes his decisions based on the Zoroastrian guardian of cattle than actual basketball scouting.
So what to think about last night’s Wolves picks?
That’s Zach LaVine, our #1 pick (13th overall) mouthing the words “Fuck me” after being selected by us. Wonderful! There has been some argument over whether he really said “Fuck me” or “Fuck man” or “Fun meat”. Personally, I think he thinks he’s a superhero and said “Duckman” like Captain Marvel yelling “Shazaam!” He was simply activating his powers. You’ve heard of the Eurostep? Just wait for the Duckstep, bitches! DUCKMAN!
Then we took Glenn Robinson III at #40. I was unaware that OG Big Dog was a “Junior”. Personally, this kind of frightens me, as I believe there are already 15 Shawn Kemp VII’s out there. What if all these kids form a team and consume all the mashed potatoes and cocaine in the world? What will happen to the economy?!
So here’s what I think: Just go with the flow, man. You can’t really affect the way our team is run, so why let it upset you? Don’t try to get all Zach Lowe on this shit. We’re the Minnesota Timberwolves. Don’t think “Hey, we could really use a power forward to replace Kevin Love, because he’s leaving.” No, no. That’s wrong. You’re not thinking like a Timberwolf big-wig. Think “Sometimes boats get zebra mussels on the bottom of them. I want a Mars Bar.” Now you’re thinking like a bat-shit crazy Timberwolf. Go Minnesota!
(Alright, I think Glenn Robinson III is a nice pick and potentially a big steal in the 2nd round. I think time will tell on LaVine. Give the kid a chance. If anything, it’ll give Ricky Rubio someone to throw alley-oops to. And his agent has said 400 times now that they knew the Wolves were going to draft him and that he’s ecstatic to be here, so I think the “Fuck me” part is a misinterpretation. Probably just a kid caught up in the emotion of the biggest moment of his life.)
As far as the rest of the league goes, I think Milwaukee is the big winner. They got who they wanted (Jabari Parker) and he’s going to be a stud and probably the biggest statistical star of next year. I’m furious that the Lakers got a great pick (Randle). I think that Denver is killing it this off-season. I love that there’s a real human being named Bogdan Bogdanovic. (That’s some real Roseanne Roseannadanna shit right there.) I think Philadelphia thinks it’s 2016. I also think they better start stockpiling human growth hormone. I think that San Antonio is never going to go bad, like a box of Twinkies that loves to share itself.
Oh and most importantly: FUCK BILL SIMMONS.
Tags: blame everybody but yourself, I hope you go to the Clippers, kevin love is a spoiled rich kid, kevin love is a whiny bitch, kevin love needs to shut up and play, kevin love wants to be on a winning team, Kevin Love wants trade, mike brody, minnesota timberwolves, nba, trade, what ever happened to making the team good yourself
Kevin Love is an amazing player. He’s arguably a top five NBA talent and definitely top ten. He’s got incredible stats and improves year after year.
He is not, however, a leader.
He is in fact a whiny bitch.
“I just want to win, wherever that may be,” says Kevin Love.
What ever happened to CREATING a winning environment? Whatever happened to being an inspiration to win? Whatever happened to making everyone and everything around you rise to that level? I am no professional athlete. I honestly can’t even touch my toes. Every time my dog comes near me she sticks her nose down my belly button like there might be a sandwich in there. There probably is. But I simply don’t understand this post-Jordan culture of “If you can’t beat them, join them.” Of jumping ship the minute you’re dissatisfied. You are not a winner if you leave a losing situation that you were the main cog of just to go to a place that is already winning. That makes you a Benedict Arnold. It makes you the guy from the Goonies in the Matrix who just wants a steak. Even worse, it makes you Dwight Howard.
Yes, the Minnesota Timberwolves organization is a blundering behemoth of bullshit. It’s a parade of Jonny Flynn draftings, Darko Milicic signings, Kevin Love max contract snubbings and every other dumbass move you can think of. But that was because of David Kahn. He’s gone now. We had 40 wins last season in a brutal Western Conference. We lost a dozen games by a margin of 4 points or less because of a (now gone) legendary coach who unfortunately was long past mentally checked out. For three years we’ve had crippling injuries. Still, we have Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Kevin Martin, Corey Brewer and a very intriguing sophomore class. We could make the playoffs next year. We could get 50 wins.
But we won’t, because Kevin Love will be gone. Because he can’t lead and he won’t lead.
So go on, get gone. Find your #1, Mr. #2. Go be the Kelly Rowland to someone’s Beyoncé. The Bumblebee to someone’s Optimus Prime. The Mike Love to someone else’s Brian Wilson.
What’s the worst that’ll happen to the Timberwolves without him? We STILL don’t make the playoffs? That’s called Tuesday here in Minnesota.
Tags: andrew wiggins, cleveland cavaliers, comedy, dante exum, dr. j, jabari parker, joel embiid, julius randle, lottery, mallory eden, mallory edens, michael jordan, mike brody, milwaukee bucks, minnesota timberwolves, nba, nba draft, philadelphia 76ers, sam bowie, wiggins
The NBA Draft will be held on June 26 and while it’s widely considered the deepest draft in ten years, there are still many question marks about who will go where and in what order. I’m here to help.
Here are the top 14 picks and (with 100% certainty) the way the picks will go:
#1) Cleveland Cavaliers – Joel Embiid, C, Kansas
As a Minnesota Timberwolves fan I can’t talk too much trash about bad drafting, but holy cow did they crap the bed last year. Anthony Bennett is the fifth #1 pick since 1988 to not make the All-Rookie team (the others: Peanut brittle tough Elijah Price clones Greg Oden and Danny Manning as well as flat-out flops “Never Nervous” Pervis Ellison and Kwame “Jordan’s Bitch” Brown.) Even Michael Olowokandi made the All-Rookie 2nd team! My prediction: The Cavs, being stupid and superstitious, will freak out about drafting two Canadians in a row and pass on Andrew Wiggins, taking Embiid. Or they trade the pick altogether and swap it for Kevin Love. Either way, they’ll still be the Cavs.
#2) Milwaukee Bucks – Andrew Wiggins, SF/SG, Kansas
Schlemeel, schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated! So Wisconsin isn’t exactly a sexy destination for Andrew Wiggins. But did you see the owner’s daughter at the draft!? Oshkosh B’gosh! If I were Milwaukee, I’d dowry up that chick to Andrew faster than a Laverne & Shirley assembly line. Riggin’ for Wiggins indeed! Besides, I saw creepy-ass Nate Wolters making moves on her, so you better lock that shit down!
#3) Philadelphia 76ers – Jabari Parker, SF, Duke
Whoever gets picked here better be good, because Dr. J looked like he wanted to strangle the world with Earl The Pearl’s neck chain.
#4) Orlando Magic – Dante Exum, PG/SG, Australia
How do we know this guy is even any good? Has anyone ever seen Australia basketball before? For all we know he punts wallabies into baskets of Vegemite stacked on-top of prison colony watchtowers. “Aye mate, that’s Australian rules basketball! Now take the zip-line koala to the Outback before the didgeridoo buzzer goes off! AC/DC!”
#5) Utah Jazz – Elfrid Payton, PG, Louisiana-Lafayette
Honestly, most mock drafts didn’t have this guy going higher than #29, but there’s nothing Utah loves more than a person with a stupid name. And since Dante Exum is gone and there’s nobody in the draft named Wealtho McRomney, then Elfrid it is! Sorry, Kristaps Porzingis. You were so close. (Real pick: Noah Vonleh, PF, Indiana)
#6) Boston Celtics – Julius Randle, PF, Kentucky
I checked. Julius Randle has no prior record of cocaine use. Go for it, Boston!
#7) Los Angeles Lakers – Marcus Smart, PG, Oklahoma State
Jack Nicholson’s started going to Clippers’ games. Better make it a good one, LA. Tick-tock, bitches.
#8) Sacramento Kings – Aaron Gordon, PF, Arizona
I appreciate any team that makes my Timberwolves seem any less depressing. When the brightest spot in a decade is that your team didn’t literally pack up and move to another town, you are possibly in trouble. But yeah, I’m sure drafting a dude named Aaron will fix everything.
#9) Charlotte Hornets – White guy
#10) Philadelphia 76ers – White guy
#11) Denver Nuggets – James Young, SF/SG, Kentucky
I spent some time in Colorado recently and it’s impossible to breathe there. I can’t believe that it’s legal for a team in the mountains to have a home game. God help the league if they ever draft a Kenyan. James Young sounds pretty American, so it’s cool for now.
#12) Orlando Magic – Rodney Hood, SF, Duke
Am I the only person who thinks that Rodney Hood sounds like Robin Hood’s lousy younger brother that went to Duke? “Hi, I’m Rodney Hood. I steal from the rich and give to Christian Laettner. He’s very lonely.”
#13) Minnesota Timberwolves – Nik Stauskas, SG, Michigan
Hey Kevin Love! Unpack your bags! Nik Stauskas is coming! *self-inflicted gunshot*
#14) Phoenix Suns – Jusuf Nurkic, C, Bosnia
LESSON #1 for Jusuf Nurkic in the NBA. YOU MUST WEAR PANTS!!! A basketball is not enough to cover your junk!
So those are my picks. If the 14 lottery teams just take my advice and pick exactly like I say, none of them will ever be in the draft ever again. You’re welcome, NBA.
Tags: cleveland cavaliers, comedy, fuck you david kahn, kevin love, kevin love is a whiny bitch, kevin love your beard has herpes, learn to play defense kevin love, lick my balls kevin love, mike brody, minnesota timberwolves, nba draft, nba lottery, trade
There’s not much I can say about Kevin Love that I haven’t already said. He’s a snake and a whiner and he’s going to leave us. Sure as Wally Szczerbiak is white, David Kahn is stupid and Sam Cassell has fetal alcohol syndrome.
BUT HERE’S THE RUB, MINNESOTA: We. Don’t. Need. Him.
Yeah, he’s a superstar and a one of a kind talent. But in six years with him we didn’t make the playoffs once. Not once! What’s the worst that can happen without him? We continue to still not make the playoffs? That’s like being afraid that your motorless Omni Hatchback won’t start. I’d rather have 12 Ricky Rubios that actually want to be here than one superstar who’s got one foot on the beach and the other up our ass.
Well, it’s time to put his foot where it belongs: Up his own ass.
Send him to Cleveland.
You got a problem with being on an inept team there, Kevvy? You don’t even KNOW ineptitude. Meet Dan Gilbert. He makes David Kahn look like Keyser Soze. And they’re just stupid enough to trade for you and think they can convince you to stay with pipedreams of luring LeBron James the next year. Please, please fall for that. It will be so amazing to see your face drop when that doesn’t happen. When your paychecks are written in Comic Sans and you realize you’re in a town who’s slogan is literally “We’re Not Detroit“, then please think of Minneapolis and how we nurtured you. How we took you in when you were just a fat, puffy white dude who liked to collect coats and pad your stats. We adopted you. We believed in you. We laughed at your jokes and ignored your non-existent defense. We pretended like you were the first Kevin who ever won our hearts. We considered you a #1 option when you’re clearly only a #2. Because it could have been worse.
Give him worse.
Send him to goddamn Cleveland.
Dan Gilbert must have made Anthony Bennett give Adam Silver one big sloppy Ohio blowjob for them to get the #1 pick again. Unreal. They don’t deserve it. We do. Make them trade it to us along with Dion Waiters for Kevin Love, JJ Barea and Glen Taylor. Just like that, everything is right in the world again. Cleveland gets the whiny bitch, Lakers fans are sad and we make the playoffs exactly as much as we did with Kevin Love: Zero.
Yeah, Andrew Wiggins would just end up leaving us, too. But he’s from Canada. Minnesota is like Texas to those weirdos. Our weather is tropical in comparison and yet we’re still on the border, so he can skip over to get Tim Horton’s, watch Avril Lavigne concerts and buy maple leaf underwear. And it’d take at least six years before he could push his way out, anyway.
Wouldn’t it be nice?