This is me if KG becomes the owner. Photo from lesterslegends.com

Great Sam Cassell’s head!  Kevin Garnett wants to buy the Wolves!

This must be what it’s like to dream of a fancy new step-dad.  Your current lame-ass dad likes to wear Cosby sweaters, forces you to mow the backyard for $1 a pop and keeps the house just together enough that it doesn’t get condemned.  Until Fancy New Step-Dad shows up.  He kicks Old Dad out and buys everybody an Escalade.  He hangs out with Jay Z and screams like a Braveheart warrior every time he eats a hamburger.  He’s perfect and makes everybody happy until the end of time.

These are only a few of the sky-high expectations I have for KG.  I know, it’s not realistic.  We don’t even know if he’d be a good owner type.  Look at some of the former NBA players who’ve made it into the front office:

  • Isiah Thomas – Destroyed teams from the inside out.  Basically was a more innocent-looking Clarence Thomas in short-shorts.  Shouldn’t advise a fork.
  • Larry Bird – Great front office guy with Indiana.  Uglier than Tom Petty.  Shorter shorts than Isiah.
  • Michael Jordan – Not a great owner, but everybody’s afraid to tell him.  Only a matter of time before he loses the team from a card game in Thailand.  Drafted Kwame Brown #1 in the draft.  (Read that last one 20 times.)
  • Michael Beasley – I believe he runs the 76ers.

It’s a messy, unpredictable transition, but who cares?  For all the bitching I’ve done on this blog, from the Kevin Love chicanery to the 500 injuries to human salamander David Kahn, no one is more responsible for our decade long irrelevance than owner Glen Taylor.  You can put all the spinning Sprewell rims on the car you want, but at it’s core it’s still a Dodge Omni full of mothballs.  Kevin Garnett is the weird new fancy hybrid car that runs on the pain of bitches and snitches.  It might catch fire and burn the garage down.  Or it might spew champagne from the radio right into your mouth, suckas!  I’m gonna go with blind, irrational optimism.  After all, I’m a Timberwolves fan.  MR. TAYLOR, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL AND GIVE KG THE TEAM!

We play the Pelicans tonight in the Big Easy.  This game hits a little close to home for me, because I’m on the road, forgot my razor and have a huge, freaky Anthony Davis unibrow.  Go Wolves!

sadpanda

I am a sad panda. Photo from kym-cdn.com

Ricky Rubio is out indefinitely and I’m in a depression spiral. We are never going to be good.  And even if we start to be a hole will form in center court and Dieng, Wiggins and a visiting Dalai Lama/Pope Francis duo will fall in and ruin all hope for all of mankind ever.

Argh!  I knew we weren’t going to win 50 games but at least it was going to be entertaining.  There were going to be alley-oops and fibbity-doos and things that only Dr. Seuss could name.  But now we lost to the Orlando Magic.  The fucking Orlando Magic!  Their fourth best player is an alligator.  Now we enter a BRUTAL two week stretch where we play Miami, Houston and the ’96 Bulls all on the road.  Like I said, I knew we weren’t going to make the playoffs but could we have at least made it 20 games without all hope being squashed like a mosquito under Anthony Bennett’s butt.

The worst part is the uncertainty of Ricky’s injury.  He’s already had ACL problems.  Is this just going to be 1-2 months out or are we going to find out that he’s actually made out of Spanish toffee?  We won’t even find out for a few weeks.  How does God let someone like Ricky Rubio get hurt?  I get Derrick Rose and Kevin Durant.  They’re warriors. They’re meant for that.  Ricky Rubio is a lost lhasa apso who needs a little coat to keep him warm.  In the arms of an angel, Ricky.  Fly away!

I guess we’re going to see how Zach Lavine plays now.  The good news is he can dunk.  The bad news is so can literally every player in the NBA.  I’ll be more impressed if he suddenly learns how to pass and dribble.  We. Are. Screwed.

Next up we play the Heat in Miami.  Dwayne Wade has the body of King Tut but Chris Bosh is playing with a chip on his shoulder.  Are they any good?  Who knows but they’re sure going to kick our ass.  Go….Wolves….:(

Vanilla Ice performing at the Timberwolves home opener halftime show.  Because apparently Pat Boone wasn't available.

Vanilla Ice performing at the Timberwolves home opener halftime show. Because apparently Pat Boone wasn’t available.

I saw Vanilla Ice perform last night.  Check it off on the bucket list of things I never actually meant to do, like graduating college before I was done partying and accidentally exercising.  Rob “Vanilla Ice” Van Winkle played for five minutes at the Timberwolves home opener half-time show and threw down all the massive hits.  He played a medley of “Ice, Ice, Baby”, “Play That Funky Music White Boy”, and then yelled “Make money money!” while the T-Wolves dancers jumped around for the remaining three minutes.  Catalogue complete!

He also wore a Darko Milicic jersey.  It’s fitting, considering their similarities.  Both were highly-esteemed in their early days for about a week.  Both don’t know how to do things very well.  The only difference is Darko went away.

Regardless, we won the game!  We had a big lead at one point and then blew it away (very Timberwolvesy) but we actually held on to get the W (not very Timberwolvesy).  We’ve got a pretty deep bench (not very Timberwolvesy) but we also seem to forget how to score for large stretches of time (super Timberwolvesy).  I’m going to say the most Timberwolvesy thing and say that we’ll be fun to watch and that we could maybe make the playoffs this year for once.  Now all we need is three more teams’ best players to get hurt and we’re there.  Poor OKC.

By the way, I have to call bullshit on something.  Someone supposedly taped a Timberwolves ticket to a pole in Minneapolis, then someone found it, took a pic of it and it went viral.  I don’t believe it for a second.  Some Wild fan did that.  Hockey fans are so insecure.  They’re so pissed about being the #4 sport in America that they have to talk smack to the NBA.  Don’t be pissed at us because half the country doesn’t care about you or your missing Chiclet teeth.  You guys are just figure skaters that we let fight.

Next up we play another bitter hockey town (Chicago) at home on Saturday.  This is going to be a tough one, but Chicago might collectively step on a paperclip and break their arms off so we have a chance!  Go Wolves!

Photo from cdn1.bloguin.com

Photo from cdn1.bloguin.com

It actually happened.  JJ Barea is gone.

The Wolves bought out his contract and waived him.  It’s all kind of bittersweet.  JJ was like an old recliner with pizza sauce crusted all over it.  Gross, embarrassing and definitely half covered in dog pee.  But also comfortable, because you can lean back on it or tilt it on it’s side and nobody cares if it snaps in half.  If he made a shot, great.  If he missed, well, you could curse him and expect to see him on the side of the curb by morning.

And now all our villains are gone.  Maniacally yelling at 1-2 Timberwolves is how I’ve survived these last few years.  Who is it going to be now?  I love the whole team.  Andrew Wiggins is the most likeable person on the planet.  I’m pretty sure Ronny Turiaf would find me and give me a hug and a $20 bill if I tweeted that I needed one.  Ricky Rubio farts Care Bears.  There’s always our idiot owner Glen Taylor, but that’s like getting mad at Daffy Duck for not wearing pants.  He wouldn’t even know what you mean.

I’ve reluctantly narrowed it down to three candidates:

Zach LaVine:  He’s a candidate because of his famous “Fuck me” incident.  He’s struggling to learn the point guard position and he seems pretty arrogant.  But damnit, I love that!  I love arrogant players. We’ve been too nice and awkward for too long.  We’re probably going to win 20-35 games, so in that process I want someone who will throw down a vicious dunk in a game while simultaneously filming it on his camera phone for Vine.  I want someone who probably kisses a velvet painting of himself before he goes to bed.  I want NBA Liberace!  Zach, you’re still cool.

Shabazz Muhammad:  Shabazz would have been perfect except for two complications: He never plays and he’s been working super hard in the off-season.  How do you hate that?  I fear that my biggest chance for a heel will just be sitting on the sidelines all season, looking ripped and innocent.  Have you seen his abs lately?  His stomach looks like a giant, unused roll of giant bubble wrap.  And everybody loves bubble wrap!  I just want to squeeze it and pop him until he can’t even stand up, for lack of stomach muscles.  I can’t stay mad at Shabubble!  Next!

Chase Budinger:  Ug, Chase Budinger.  It’s gotta be you, buddy.  Sorry, man.  You’re a good player and you’re supposedly getting your wheels back.  I don’t want to do this, but it’s for the good of the whole team and my own well-being.  So forgive me for having to pull a Harry & The Hendersons goodbye scene, but I have no choice.  Oh god this is hard:  “Get out of here, Chase Budinger!  Don’t you see we don’t want you anymore?  Why don’t you go back where you came from?  Now, leave us alone! *punches Chase in the face* Go. Go!”

Oh my god, that clip is so sad.  I’m still traumatized.  Come back, Chase.

harry

Tonight is the first night of the NBA season!  Wednesday is the Timberwolves’ season opener on the road against Memphis and then Thursday is the home opener against Detroit.  Go Wolves!

Photo from theplayerstribune.com

Photo from theplayerstribune.com

The T-Wolves season is about to begin!  I’ll be posting regularly once it does, but in the meantime I am freaking out.  KEVIN LOVE MENTIONED AND LINKED MY “Kevin Love Jersey Burning – MN Nice Style” video in his letter to Wolves fans/Cavs fans/himself/LeBron James/Mike Love.  I can die happy.  Famous people don’t seem real to me, but he’s real!  I will now be writing letters/making videos to the drummer from Iron Maiden, Kermit the Frog and Abraham Lincoln to try and continue this streak.

See you guys soon.

 

Anthony Bennett as depicted by Asian Pixar earlier this summer.  Photo from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uVIOjsZ-s0

Anthony Bennett as depicted by Asian Pixar. Photo from youtube.com/watch?v=2uVIOjsZ-s0

There are two thoughts that always give me comfort:

One: That there are still current NBA players older than me. (God bless you, Steve Nash.)

Two: That I’m less fat than Anthony Bennett.

Well damnit, AB screwed it all up and got into shape.  What am I supposed to do now?!  Soon Nash will retire to Canada and his $20,000,000 maple tree mansion and I’ll just be old and floppy.  Can we force Oliver Miller out of retirement?  Thanks Tony, now I can’t eat these Gummy Bear pancakes just because you decided to fulfill your potential.

However, if last night is any indication of how AB’s destiny is going to pan out, we’re in good shape ourselves.  Bennett scored 13 points and grabbed eight rebounds in just under 25 minutes of play in his Timberwolves preseason debut.  He threw down a couple thunderous dunks, had a killer spin move and did not once try and order a mashed potato pizza or eat JJ Barea.  (We would have allowed it.)

I wouldn’t be a true Minnesotan if doubt and pessimism didn’t creep back in.  This is only one preseason game.  People get lucky.  I’m sure Kwame Brown has had accidentally good games before.  Human Ent Manute Bol once hit six three pointers in a one half.  I won $100 in a Cap’n Crunch box in 6th grade (and spent it on a basketball, a Bell Biv Devoe tape, a Risk board game that I played by myself because I had no friends and the rest on Twix candy bars.  I haven’t won a damn thing since.)  And after all, we were playing the lowly 76ers without Joel Embiid, Noel Nerlens and Michael Carter-Williams, which officially puts them at 7th grade recess level, if the kids had never played basketball before and were all napping.

But screw it!  This is the season of unfamiliar optimism.  We have no players pushing their way out (knock on wood, knock on wood), our bench is actually way better than last year, we have potentially limitless Rubioops to Andrew Wiggins and Anthony Bennett is currently not strapped to a custard/jelly donut dialysis machine.  He may not be the next Karl Malone, but he might just live up to that #1 pick status after all.

AH SHIT!  I can’t write an article and not be pissy about something!  It feels so weird!  I hate JJ!  My taco doesn’t have enough sauce!  Glen Taylor hates puppies and thinks that Croatians aren’t people!  Phew, that’s better.  Now I’m ready to watch a Timberwolves season.

Go Wolves!

My dog Frosty is ready for the new Timberwolves season.

The new look in dachshund fashion.

The new look in dachshund fashion.