The NBA Rookie Game bench. Photo from http://pspspiele.biz/

The NBA Rookie Game bench. Photo from pspspiele.biz/

Man, that’s rough news about Milwaukee’s Jabari Parker tearing his ACL.  I can’t remember a more injury laden rookie class in NBA history.  And that’s including when everybody wore cardboard Chuck Taylor’s and smoked cigarettes during games.  Seven out of the top eleven picks are out with injuries right now, many for the entire season.  What’s going on, Generation Y?  If Steve Nash and Tim Duncan can play through dialysis then you should make it when you’re still not old enough to rent a car.

It’s really a short, small race for Rookie of the Year right now.  Minnesota’s Andrew Wiggins, who I believed would eventually get ROY, is now the clear favorite.  He’s followed closely behind by KJ McDaniels.  However, KJ McDaniels plays for the Philadelphia 76ers.  Technically someone has to score and do things for them.  He’s like a kangaroo boxer.  Technically he’s doing what he’s supposed to do but only because someone shoved him out there.

Who else is realistically in the running?  Here’s my top ten:

1) Andrew Wiggins – I might be a homer, but he’s a future star for sure.  Right now he’s like the J-Lo of basketball.  Sorta good at everything but not great at any one thing.  In 3-5 years he’ll be the Beyoncé of basketball.  Which I think means he’ll be a Brooklyn Net?

2) KJ McDaniels – He plays for the Sixers.  Call me when you’re a real boy on a real team, Pinocchio.

3) Elfrid Payton – I would pay anything to have my name be “Elf”.  Elf Brody.  I’m 6’5″ so nobody could make “Santa’s Little Helper” jokes.  Also, nobody seems to acknowledge that Elfrid’s hair looks just like MC Hammer’s sidekick’s stupid diamond-shaped head.

Elfrid Payton (far left, bottom) getting ready for Orlando’s next game.

4) Jahill Okafor – He’s still in college but screw it, we got nothing.  Put him in already.

5) Nerlens Noel – He plays for the Sixers.  Call me when you’re a real boy on a real team, Pinocchio.

6) Henry Rowengartner from the movie “Rookie Of The Year” – “Did he just say ‘Funky butt lovin’?”  Hey, at least when this kid gets hurt he gets better!

roy

7) Larry Bird – I think it’s fair.  Yeah, he already won ROY in 1980, but he’s older than Strom Thurmond and if he could actually average more than 13 points a game I think he should get it.

8) Michael Carter-WIlliams – While we’re in the business of letting players re-play their ROY campaign, let’s make MCW do his over again.  He plays for the Sixers and well…you know.

9) Shabazz Napier – It’s a fun name to say.  Try it.  SHABAZZ!  NAPIER!  It sounds like fireworks if you yell it loud and fast enough.  That’s good enough for #9 for me.

10) Me – I think I can do it.  I’m 36, wildly out of shape and don’t currently have insurance but I really think I can make a run for at least #4.  After all, I don’t play for the Sixers, I haven’t been injured in 20 years (possibly due to lack of physical movement) and I know everything about basketball.

Next up the Wolves play the Celtics in Boston on Friday.  I can’t wait to see Larry Bird’s first geriatric rookie game.  Hope he’s been to the chiropractor.  Go Wolves!

Photo from deviantart.net

Photo from deviantart.net

Someday the Timberwolves are going to have 50 wins again.

It might take 45 years.  We might be the Seattle Timberwolves by then.  Basketball might also be played in underwater aquasuits because 80% of the country is covered in ocean.  But damnit, the law of probability and statistics says that we’ll be accidentally good eventually.

And then this blog will be the SHIT!  Everybody will think “Damn, this crazy dude wrote about the Timberwolves for almost 50 years and they sucked the WHOLE TIME.  What a fan!  Good thing Wally Szczerbiak III, Glenn Robinson IV and Robo Kahn brought us back to relevancy.”

I just pray to god that I don’t end up like one of those 95 year old Boston dudes that kicked the bucket a week before the Red Sox curse was broken.  Hell, at least they had a good story.  The Red Sox traded Babe Ruth and the so-called “Curse of the Bambino” lasted 86 years before they won another title.  What did we do?  We signed Joe Smith illegally and all basketball powers were transferred to the Lynx.  Maybe our curse will be broken the minute we start appreciating our awesome WNBA team?

So give it up for our Olympic gold-winning star, Lindsay Whalen!  Another round of applause for Tan White!  Keep it going for Pasty Brown!  Show some love to Juwanna Mann and Peppermint Patty!  I have no idea who’s on our team, but they’re the Lakers and Celtics of women’s basketball, combined.  Not only could they destroy the Timberwolves, but they could probably beat half the NBA.  I don’t know if that’s actually true but we have a curse to squash, people.  Go Lynx, go Lynx, go!

Photo from wnba.com

The 2013 WNBA champion Minnesota Lynx.  Owner Glen Taylor (far right) has the 2011 championship trophy in his stomach.  Photo from wnba.com

Next up we play the Portland Trail Blazers at home on Wednesday.  If we win we’re tied for last place in the West with the Lakers.  Join us, LA.  We all float down here!

Great Drunk Dirk Nowitzki, how did we lose to such a turdcan of a team?!  I could have pooled together 12 random people from the DMV and beaten the Sixers.  They were 0-17 coming in and possibly the most atrocious collaboration of humans since the Metallica/Lou Reed album.

Nobody even really knows who these guys are.  Who is this team and how could they possibly have beat anybody at all?  Let’s take a closer look at the 2014-15 Sixers line-up:

Point guard: Michael Carter-Williams -

He’s okay.

Philadelphia 76ers Media Day

Shooting guard: Anthony “Cracker Hands” Giavanni -

Tiny & violent.  Giavanni has recorded a league high 85 technicals from outbursts and attempted bribes.  His signature move is throwing a flask at the defense’s face and granny-shotting the ball into the stands.  Last seen running hooch on the corner of Hindenburg & Malarkey.

Al-Capone-9237536-2-402

Small forward: Hip-Hop, the 76ers mascot -

Hip-Hop is technically 95% blind in his rat costume and glasses, yet his trampoline dunk is incredibly difficult to block.

hiphopx500

Power forward: Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot -

Like most Heat fans, Burnie didn’t want to stick around after LeBron James left.

heat

Center: Nerlens “Narwhal” Noel -

While a great talent, Noel has missed the last five games after accidentally glueing his hands to his head.

Nerlens-Noel-Thaddeus-Young

Sixth man: A frightened, falling, elderly Paul McCartney -

paul-mccartney

This is the team that beat us.  It’s going to be a long rebuilding process.  Hopefully we’ll sign the Jazz mascot next year.  That thing looks like Teen Wolf.

Next up we play…ah, who cares.  We’re going to lose.

ZACH

Photo from i.cdn.turner.com/

Zach LaVine has such a man-crush on Kobe Bryant.  The dude went for 28 points on 11-14 shooting in the breakout performance of his short career and still all he talked about in interviews was the Black Mamba.  He spoke about Bryant the way I speak about the guy who invented Rolo Minis.

INTERVIEWER: Zach LaVine, how do you feel about this win, as well as your career high output tonight?  It’s got to feel great. 

ZACH LAVINE: Do you think Kobe saw it?

INTERVIEWER: Saw the game?  Yes.  He played in it.  

ZL: Yeah, but do you think…wait…did you talk to Kobe on this microphone?  

INTERVIEWER: Yes, during halftime. 

*tusseling, fumbling noise* 

INTERVIEWER:  Give me…stop it!  Give me that microphone back!

ZL:  Everything I do, I do it for you, Kobe!  *Licks microphone and jumps over four foot wall* 

Zach couldn’t believe we won that game and neither could I.  Dear lord, how bad do the Lakers have to be to lose to us?  I’d almost feel bad for them if they hadn’t stolen our team (and five championships) some 50 years ago.  How did they sink this far?  They have one of the greatest players of this generation in his Depends years, a couple decent starters, Carlos Boozer and then the people who got turned down to be Washington Generals.

We’re not much better, but at least we have some kind of visible future.  All our young guys are showing promise:

Ricky Rubio:  He hurt his ankle while flying a hippogriff, but he really was making huge strides in his jump shot and strength.

Andrew Wiggins:  He’s going to be a stud.  We just need him to get angry and go nuclear.  Anybody know how to piss off a soft-spoken Canadian?  Can someone tear up a picture of Celine Dion, please?

Anthony Bennett:  I love Anthony Bennett!  Those tomahawk dunks!  That 20 footer!  His ability to look fat even when he’s skinny!  The fact that his name is TONY BENNETT!  He’s the greatest player to be a draft flop ever!

Gorgui Dieng:  Gorgui’s actually 45 years old, but Dikembe Mutombo played until he was 82 so we’re good.

Shabazz Muhammad:  Shabazz went from the scapegoat draft pick to fan favorite faster than you can sneak a girl into the Rookie Transition Program hotel.  I ain’t mad at ya, Shabazz.

Zach LaVine:  He plays like Russell Westbrook and Scottie Pippen when Kobe’s around.

Next up we play the Trail Blazers (12-4) in Portland on Sunday night.  Let’s hope Zach LaVine grew up watching Damian Lillard, otherwise they’re going to kill us.  Go Wolves!

This is me if KG becomes the owner. Photo from lesterslegends.com

Great Sam Cassell’s head!  Kevin Garnett wants to buy the Wolves!

This must be what it’s like to dream of a fancy new step-dad.  Your current lame-ass dad likes to wear Cosby sweaters, forces you to mow the backyard for $1 a pop and keeps the house just together enough that it doesn’t get condemned.  Until Fancy New Step-Dad shows up.  He kicks Old Dad out and buys everybody an Escalade.  He hangs out with Jay Z and screams like a Braveheart warrior every time he eats a hamburger.  He’s perfect and makes everybody happy until the end of time.

These are only a few of the sky-high expectations I have for KG.  I know, it’s not realistic.  We don’t even know if he’d be a good owner type.  Look at some of the former NBA players who’ve made it into the front office:

  • Isiah Thomas – Destroyed teams from the inside out.  Basically was a more innocent-looking Clarence Thomas in short-shorts.  Shouldn’t advise a fork.
  • Larry Bird – Great front office guy with Indiana.  Uglier than Tom Petty.  Shorter shorts than Isiah.
  • Michael Jordan – Not a great owner, but everybody’s afraid to tell him.  Only a matter of time before he loses the team from a card game in Thailand.  Drafted Kwame Brown #1 in the draft.  (Read that last one 20 times.)
  • Michael Beasley – I believe he runs the 76ers.

It’s a messy, unpredictable transition, but who cares?  For all the bitching I’ve done on this blog, from the Kevin Love chicanery to the 500 injuries to human salamander David Kahn, no one is more responsible for our decade long irrelevance than owner Glen Taylor.  You can put all the spinning Sprewell rims on the car you want, but at it’s core it’s still a Dodge Omni full of mothballs.  Kevin Garnett is the weird new fancy hybrid car that runs on the pain of bitches and snitches.  It might catch fire and burn the garage down.  Or it might spew champagne from the radio right into your mouth, suckas!  I’m gonna go with blind, irrational optimism.  After all, I’m a Timberwolves fan.  MR. TAYLOR, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL AND GIVE KG THE TEAM!

We play the Pelicans tonight in the Big Easy.  This game hits a little close to home for me, because I’m on the road, forgot my razor and have a huge, freaky Anthony Davis unibrow.  Go Wolves!

sadpanda

I am a sad panda. Photo from kym-cdn.com

Ricky Rubio is out indefinitely and I’m in a depression spiral. We are never going to be good.  And even if we start to be a hole will form in center court and Dieng, Wiggins and a visiting Dalai Lama/Pope Francis duo will fall in and ruin all hope for all of mankind ever.

Argh!  I knew we weren’t going to win 50 games but at least it was going to be entertaining.  There were going to be alley-oops and fibbity-doos and things that only Dr. Seuss could name.  But now we lost to the Orlando Magic.  The fucking Orlando Magic!  Their fourth best player is an alligator.  Now we enter a BRUTAL two week stretch where we play Miami, Houston and the ’96 Bulls all on the road.  Like I said, I knew we weren’t going to make the playoffs but could we have at least made it 20 games without all hope being squashed like a mosquito under Anthony Bennett’s butt.

The worst part is the uncertainty of Ricky’s injury.  He’s already had ACL problems.  Is this just going to be 1-2 months out or are we going to find out that he’s actually made out of Spanish toffee?  We won’t even find out for a few weeks.  How does God let someone like Ricky Rubio get hurt?  I get Derrick Rose and Kevin Durant.  They’re warriors. They’re meant for that.  Ricky Rubio is a lost lhasa apso who needs a little coat to keep him warm.  In the arms of an angel, Ricky.  Fly away!

I guess we’re going to see how Zach Lavine plays now.  The good news is he can dunk.  The bad news is so can literally every player in the NBA.  I’ll be more impressed if he suddenly learns how to pass and dribble.  We. Are. Screwed.

Next up we play the Heat in Miami.  Dwayne Wade has the body of King Tut but Chris Bosh is playing with a chip on his shoulder.  Are they any good?  Who knows but they’re sure going to kick our ass.  Go….Wolves….:(

Vanilla Ice performing at the Timberwolves home opener halftime show.  Because apparently Pat Boone wasn't available.

Vanilla Ice performing at the Timberwolves home opener halftime show. Because apparently Pat Boone wasn’t available.

I saw Vanilla Ice perform last night.  Check it off on the bucket list of things I never actually meant to do, like graduating college before I was done partying and accidentally exercising.  Rob “Vanilla Ice” Van Winkle played for five minutes at the Timberwolves home opener half-time show and threw down all the massive hits.  He played a medley of “Ice, Ice, Baby”, “Play That Funky Music White Boy”, and then yelled “Make money money!” while the T-Wolves dancers jumped around for the remaining three minutes.  Catalogue complete!

He also wore a Darko Milicic jersey.  It’s fitting, considering their similarities.  Both were highly-esteemed in their early days for about a week.  Both don’t know how to do things very well.  The only difference is Darko went away.

Regardless, we won the game!  We had a big lead at one point and then blew it away (very Timberwolvesy) but we actually held on to get the W (not very Timberwolvesy).  We’ve got a pretty deep bench (not very Timberwolvesy) but we also seem to forget how to score for large stretches of time (super Timberwolvesy).  I’m going to say the most Timberwolvesy thing and say that we’ll be fun to watch and that we could maybe make the playoffs this year for once.  Now all we need is three more teams’ best players to get hurt and we’re there.  Poor OKC.

By the way, I have to call bullshit on something.  Someone supposedly taped a Timberwolves ticket to a pole in Minneapolis, then someone found it, took a pic of it and it went viral.  I don’t believe it for a second.  Some Wild fan did that.  Hockey fans are so insecure.  They’re so pissed about being the #4 sport in America that they have to talk smack to the NBA.  Don’t be pissed at us because half the country doesn’t care about you or your missing Chiclet teeth.  You guys are just figure skaters that we let fight.

Next up we play another bitter hockey town (Chicago) at home on Saturday.  This is going to be a tough one, but Chicago might collectively step on a paperclip and break their arms off so we have a chance!  Go Wolves!

Photo from cdn1.bloguin.com

Photo from cdn1.bloguin.com