zachlavine

The day after the NBA Draft is a lot like December 26th for most NBA fans. Everybody is flush with serotonin after opening goodies like Andrew Wiggins, Jabari Parker or (a partially factory defected) Joel Embiid.  Even the rich kid who had everything (San Antonio) got a new fancy bike (Kyle Anderson). Who knows how it’ll all work out, but fans of Cleveland, Milwaukee, Philly and more all have visions of 60 win seasons dancing in their heads for now.

Not the Minnesota Timberwolves.

If the draft is Christmas then we are Jehovah’s Witnesses. No presents for us.  We aren’t allowed them.  Why not?  Because the pagan god Mithra‘s birthday is on Christmas.  What?  That doesn’t make any sense.  Exactly.  Nothing makes sense for us, ever.  It makes more sense to me that Flip Saunders makes his decisions based on the Zoroastrian guardian of cattle than actual basketball scouting.

So what to think about last night’s Wolves picks?

That’s Zach LaVine, our #1 pick (13th overall) mouthing the words “Fuck me” after being selected by us.  Wonderful!  There has been some argument over whether he really said “Fuck me” or “Fuck man” or “Fun meat”.  Personally, I think he thinks he’s a superhero and said “Duckman” like Captain Marvel yelling “Shazaam!”  He was simply activating his powers.  You’ve heard of the Eurostep?  Just wait for the Duckstep, bitches!  DUCKMAN!

Then we took Glenn Robinson III at #40.  I was unaware that OG Big Dog was a “Junior”.  Personally, this kind of frightens me, as I believe there are already 15 Shawn Kemp VII’s out there.  What if all these kids form a team and consume all the mashed potatoes and cocaine in the world?  What will happen to the economy?!

So here’s what I think: Just go with the flow, man.  You can’t really affect the way our team is run, so why let it upset you?  Don’t try to get all Zach Lowe on this shit.  We’re the Minnesota Timberwolves.  Don’t think “Hey, we could really use a power forward to replace Kevin Love, because he’s leaving.”  No, no.  That’s wrong.  You’re not thinking like a Timberwolf big-wig.  Think “Sometimes boats get zebra mussels on the bottom of them. I want a Mars Bar.”  Now you’re thinking like a bat-shit crazy Timberwolf.  Go Minnesota!

(Alright, I think Glenn Robinson III is a nice pick and potentially a big steal in the 2nd round.  I think time will tell on LaVine.  Give the kid a chance.  If anything, it’ll give Ricky Rubio someone to throw alley-oops to.  And his agent has said 400 times now that they knew the Wolves were going to draft him and that he’s ecstatic to be here, so I think the “Fuck me” part is a misinterpretation.  Probably just a kid caught up in the emotion of the biggest moment of his life.)

As far as the rest of the league goes, I think Milwaukee is the big winner.  They got who they wanted (Jabari Parker) and he’s going to be a stud and probably the biggest statistical star of next year.  I’m furious that the Lakers got a great pick (Randle).  I think that Denver is killing it this off-season.  I love that there’s a real human being named Bogdan Bogdanovic.  (That’s some real Roseanne Roseannadanna shit right there.)  I think Philadelphia thinks it’s 2016.  I also think they better start stockpiling human growth hormone.  I think that San Antonio is never going to go bad, like a box of Twinkies that loves to share itself.

Oh and most importantly: FUCK BILL SIMMONS.

Bogdan Bogdanovic receiving word of his being drafted.  Photo from brandrepair.typepad.com

Bogdan Bogdanovic receiving word of his being drafted. Photo from brandrepair.typepad.com

Kevin Love is an amazing player.  He’s arguably a top five NBA talent and definitely top ten.  He’s got incredible stats and improves year after year.

He is not, however, a leader.

He is in fact a whiny bitch.

“I just want to win, wherever that may be,” says Kevin Love.

What ever happened to CREATING a winning environment?  Whatever happened to being an inspiration to win?  Whatever happened to making everyone and everything around you rise to that level?  I am no professional athlete.  I honestly can’t even touch my toes.  Every time my dog comes near me she sticks her nose down my belly button like there might be a sandwich in there.  There probably is.  But I simply don’t understand this post-Jordan culture of “If you can’t beat them, join them.”  Of jumping ship the minute you’re dissatisfied.  You are not a winner if you leave a losing situation that you were the main cog of just to go to a place that is already winning.  That makes you a Benedict Arnold.  It makes you the guy from the Goonies in the Matrix who just wants a steak.  Even worse, it makes you Dwight Howard.

Yes, the Minnesota Timberwolves organization is a blundering behemoth of bullshit.  It’s a parade of Jonny Flynn draftings, Darko Milicic signings, Kevin Love max contract snubbings and every other dumbass move you can think of.  But that was because of David Kahn.  He’s gone now.  We had 40 wins last season in a brutal Western Conference.  We lost a dozen games by a margin of 4 points or less because of a (now gone) legendary coach who unfortunately was long past mentally checked out.  For three years we’ve had crippling injuries.  Still, we have Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Kevin Martin, Corey Brewer and a very intriguing sophomore class.  We could make the playoffs next year.  We could get 50 wins.

But we won’t, because Kevin Love will be gone.  Because he can’t lead and he won’t lead.

So go on, get gone.  Find your #1, Mr. #2.  Go be the Kelly Rowland to someone’s Beyoncé.  The Bumblebee to someone’s Optimus Prime.  The Mike Love to someone else’s Brian Wilson.

What’s the worst that’ll happen to the Timberwolves without him?  We STILL don’t make the playoffs?  That’s called Tuesday here in Minnesota.

Kevin Love Trade

Photo from inflexwetrust.com

Photo from inflexwetrust.com

The NBA Draft will be held on June 26 and while it’s widely considered the deepest draft in ten years, there are still many question marks about who will go where and in what order.  I’m here to help.

Here are the top 14 picks and (with 100% certainty) the way the picks will go:

#1) Cleveland Cavaliers – Joel Embiid, C, Kansas

As a Minnesota Timberwolves fan I can’t talk too much trash about bad drafting, but holy cow did they crap the bed last year. Anthony Bennett is the fifth #1 pick since 1988 to not make the All-Rookie team (the others: Peanut brittle tough Elijah Price clones Greg Oden and Danny Manning as well as flat-out flops “Never Nervous” Pervis Ellison and Kwame “Jordan’s Bitch” Brown.) Even Michael Olowokandi made the All-Rookie 2nd team!  My prediction: The Cavs, being stupid and superstitious, will freak out about drafting two Canadians in a row and pass on Andrew Wiggins, taking Embiid.  Or they trade the pick altogether and swap it for Kevin Love.  Either way, they’ll still be the Cavs. 

#2) Milwaukee Bucks – Andrew Wiggins, SF/SG, Kansas

Schlemeel, schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated! So Wisconsin isn’t exactly a sexy destination for Andrew Wiggins.  But did you see the owner’s daughter at the draft!? Oshkosh B’gosh!  If I were Milwaukee, I’d dowry up that chick to Andrew faster than a Laverne & Shirley assembly line.  Riggin’ for Wiggins indeed!  Besides, I saw creepy-ass Nate Wolters making moves on her, so you better lock that shit down!

"Oh hi Mallory, I was wondering if you wanted to look at my antique turtle shell collection? It's quite sensual." Photo from pictures.zimbio.com

“Oh hi Mallory, this is the face I make when I’m in my human-sized turtle shell. Wanna race?” Photo from pictures.zimbio.com

#3) Philadelphia 76ers – Jabari Parker, SF, Duke

Whoever gets picked here better be good, because Dr. J looked like he wanted to strangle the world with Earl The Pearl’s neck chain.

Making Dr. Kevorkian seem like a better option. Photo from http://larrybrownsports.com

Making Dr. Kevorkian seem like a better option. Photo from http://larrybrownsports.com

#4) Orlando Magic – Dante Exum, PG/SG, Australia

How do we know this guy is even any good?  Has anyone ever seen Australia basketball before?  For all we know he punts wallabies into baskets of Vegemite stacked on-top of prison colony watchtowers. “Aye mate, that’s Australian rules basketball!  Now take the zip-line koala to the Outback before the didgeridoo buzzer goes off! AC/DC!”

#5) Utah Jazz – Elfrid Payton, PG, Louisiana-Lafayette

Honestly, most mock drafts didn’t have this guy going higher than #29, but there’s nothing Utah loves more than a person with a stupid name.  And since Dante Exum is gone and there’s nobody in the draft named Wealtho McRomney, then Elfrid it is!  Sorry, Kristaps Porzingis.  You were so close. (Real pick: Noah Vonleh, PF, Indiana)

#6) Boston Celtics – Julius Randle, PF, Kentucky

I checked.  Julius Randle has no prior record of cocaine use.  Go for it, Boston!

#7) Los Angeles Lakers – Marcus Smart, PG, Oklahoma State

Jack Nicholson’s started going to Clippers’ games.  Better make it a good one, LA.  Tick-tock, bitches.

#8) Sacramento Kings – Aaron Gordon, PF, Arizona

I appreciate any team that makes my Timberwolves seem any less depressing. When the brightest spot in a decade is that your team didn’t literally pack up and move to another town, you are possibly in trouble.  But yeah, I’m sure drafting a dude named Aaron will fix everything.

#9) Charlotte Hornets – White guy

#10) Philadelphia 76ers – White guy

#11) Denver Nuggets – James Young, SF/SG, Kentucky

I spent some time in Colorado recently and it’s impossible to breathe there.  I can’t believe that it’s legal for a team in the mountains to have a home game.  God help the league if they ever draft a Kenyan.  James Young sounds pretty American, so it’s cool for now.

#12) Orlando Magic – Rodney Hood, SF, Duke

Am I the only person who thinks that Rodney Hood sounds like Robin Hood’s lousy younger brother that went to Duke?  “Hi, I’m Rodney Hood.  I steal from the rich and give to Christian Laettner.  He’s very lonely.”

#13) Minnesota Timberwolves – Nik Stauskas, SG, Michigan

Hey Kevin Love!  Unpack your bags!  Nik Stauskas is coming!  *self-inflicted gunshot*

#14) Phoenix Suns – Jusuf Nurkic, C, Bosnia

LESSON #1 for Jusuf Nurkic in the NBA.  YOU MUST WEAR PANTS!!!  A basketball is not enough to cover your junk!

"Get Real, Jusuf. The ball doesn't need to be THAT far out." Photo from cdn.fansided.com

“Uh, Jusuf? The ball doesn’t need to be THAT far out.” Photo from cdn.fansided.com

So those are my picks. If the 14 lottery teams just take my advice and pick exactly like I say, none of them will ever be in the draft ever again.  You’re welcome, NBA.

Photo from comicsforge.com

Photo from comicsforge.com

There’s not much I can say about Kevin Love that I haven’t already said.  He’s a snake and a whiner and he’s going to leave us.  Sure as Wally Szczerbiak is white, David Kahn is stupid and Sam Cassell has fetal alcohol syndrome.

BUT HERE’S THE RUB, MINNESOTA:  We. Don’t. Need. Him.

Yeah, he’s a superstar and a one of a kind talent.  But in six years with him we didn’t make the playoffs once.  Not once!  What’s the worst that can happen without him?  We continue to still not make the playoffs?  That’s like being afraid that your motorless Omni Hatchback won’t start.  I’d rather have 12 Ricky Rubios that actually want to be here than one superstar who’s got one foot on the beach and the other up our ass.

Well, it’s time to put his foot where it belongs: Up his own ass.

Send him to Cleveland.

You got a problem with being on an inept team there, Kevvy?  You don’t even KNOW ineptitude. Meet Dan Gilbert.  He makes David Kahn look like Keyser Soze.  And they’re just stupid enough to trade for you and think they can convince you to stay with pipedreams of luring LeBron James the next year.  Please, please fall for that.  It will be so amazing to see your face drop when that doesn’t happen.  When your paychecks are written in Comic Sans and you realize you’re in a town who’s slogan is literally “We’re Not Detroit“, then please think of Minneapolis and how we nurtured you.  How we took you in when you were just a fat, puffy white dude who liked to collect coats and pad your stats.  We adopted you.  We believed in you.  We laughed at your jokes and ignored your non-existent defense.  We pretended like you were the first Kevin who ever won our hearts.  We considered you a #1 option when you’re clearly only a #2.  Because it could have been worse.

Give him worse.

Send him to goddamn Cleveland.

Dan Gilbert must have made Anthony Bennett give Adam Silver one big sloppy Ohio blowjob for them to get the #1 pick again.  Unreal.  They don’t deserve it.  We do.  Make them trade it to us along with Dion Waiters for Kevin Love, JJ Barea and Glen Taylor.  Just like that, everything is right in the world again.  Cleveland gets the whiny bitch, Lakers fans are sad and we make the playoffs exactly as much as we did with Kevin Love: Zero.

Yeah, Andrew Wiggins would just end up leaving us, too.  But he’s from Canada.  Minnesota is like Texas to those weirdos.  Our weather is tropical in comparison and yet we’re still on the border, so he can skip over to get Tim Horton’s, watch Avril Lavigne concerts and buy maple leaf underwear.  And it’d take at least six years before he could push his way out, anyway.

Wouldn’t it be nice?

Smells like Cleveland. Photo from sbnation.com

Smells like Cleveland. Photo from sbnation.com

My view from the fourth row last night.

My view from the fourth row last night.

40-42.

If you think about it, it’s perfect.  It’s a losing record, but just the bare minimum of losing without winning. We’re the best of the worst. The Biggest Loser.  Professional NIT.  We’re Mott The Hoople to the playoffs’ David Bowie.  We’re the goddamn Timberwolves.

I went to the game last night and had fourth row seats.  I’ll probably never get to see a game that close again and it allowed me to notice a few things that you wouldn’t in the cheap seats:

1) The crowd got loud as hell last night.  True, we were asleep for the beginning of the game, but I swear it picked up the minute the announcer mentioned that Kevin Love was the first player in NBA history with 2,000 points, 900 rebounds and 100 3-pointers in a single season.  Then it got crazy loud once we went on a good tear in the second half.  Then, it got to rabid dog pissed off when Ricky Rubio was clearly shoved to the ground with no call.  You can call us “Minnesota Nice” all you want, but they must have imported some brainwashed, coked up Boston/New Yorkers for this game, because shit got super un-nice.

2) The Utah Jazz have a dude who is 8’9″ tall and his name is Go-Gurt.  He is officially listed as 7’1″, but there’s no way. Seeing him that close up was simply shocking.  Utah has a long history (beginning with Mark Eaton and stretching to Enes Kanter) of developing long, gross Gumby men, but this guy takes the cake. This dude made Manute Bol look like Manute Bol with no legs.  He made Mugsy Bogues look like Shawn Bradley.  That doesn’t even make any sense, but that’s how disconcerting his height was.  That dude could tickle Karl Malone’s knees from across the court.  His arms are so long he could punch John Stockton back in 1983 when he played for Gonzaga.  He’s got Go Go Go-Gurt arms and he looks like Herman Munster with Marfans.  Hide your children.

3) Ricky Rubio has a wicked right arm. It was Fan Appreciation Night and immediately after the game, the Wolves players (not including Kevin Love – who I love, but is the King of Crying) took to the court to toss Timberwolves t-shirts into the audience.  I caught three!  The first was an arching Hail Mary from Pekovic.  The second was from an unknown source who I like to think was Kevin Garnett.  And the third was from Rubio.  I wasn’t looking in his direction and when it struck me it literally hit me full-speed on the heart.  It hurt so bad I got a headache.  I now have empathy for poor Darko Milicic dropping Ricky’s passes and having them bounce off his rectum or anywhere else except his hands.  Ricky could throw a pass to the moon that’s being guarded by the sun and four flying Bigfoots and still nail the Sea of Tranquility and no one would see it coming. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go nurse my collapsed sternum.

That’s it for the 2013-2014 season.  We have a full off-season of crying and “Why? WHY? WHY?!”s to recoup and then begins Season 2014-2015, otherwise known as: “The Year Of Awkwardly and Pathetically Begging Kevin Love to Stay.”  Maybe if we all lost some weight and started dressing sexier?

I’ll still check in from time to time for the playoffs and any trade/draft related drama.  Until then, it’s time to unemotionally watch some OTHER teams fail for a change.

Go Wolves!

 

Photo from clevescene.com.

Photo from clevescene.com.

Sweet Jesus, Hallelujah!  We beat the Heat!  Best game ever!

Wow. We just beat arguably the best team in the league on the road in double overtime.  How are we not making the playoffs?  Seriously, screw the East.  We would be the third best team in that conference.  The East should be allowed to put two teams in the playoffs: Miami, Indiana and maybe the Knicks purely for comedic train-wreck effect. Just put in Carmelo Anthony, JR Smith and some manatees in Knicks uniforms.  Would anybody even notice the difference?  “Man, Raymond Felton looks like he really lost some weight!”

I'm just glad manatee Raymond Felton doesn't have a gun.

“I’m just glad manatee Raymond Felton didn’t bring his guns.”

By the way, how bought and sold are the refs in Miami’s favor?  The Heat got away with murder all game against us.  They got ticky-tack fouls called their way all night and had about 400 no-calls when they uncle-molested us in various fashion over and over.  At one point LeBron James plowed over Ricky Rubio so hard that I’m pretty sure a small panda in Spain died.  (Did I tell you that Ricky has a split soul with a fuzzy panda in Barcelona?  How else do you explain him?)  After the game, Heat Coach Erik Spoelstra had the audacity to question the last second call that was FINALLY in the Wolves favor.  Are you kidding me?!  That’s like the rich kid frat boy who gets pissed because only 99% of the party gave him blowjobs.

Well, this one feels good. (That wasn’t a blowjob reference.)  If we’re not making the playoffs, we can at least get moral victories and spoil some seeds.  This was a hugely important game for Miami for Eastern Conference seeding purposes and we mucked it up for them.  “The Heat didn’t have Dwyane Wade!”  Oh, boo-hoo.  We didn’t have Nikola Pekovic and Kevin Martin.  Besides, do people really think that Dwyane Wade is a factor anymore? That dude may be 32, but he’s got the body of a paper-mache Abe Vigoda.  If he bumped into Greg Oden the floor would get sprayed with tendons and ACLs and that weird grey packaging filler you find inside of UPS envelopes.  Holographic 2pac is sturdier.

It feels like we just won a playoff game.  It feels like a game where, no matter how we end up, or if Kevin Love leaves, or if we get the top two draft picks and take Ren & Stimpy, we can still look back and smile upon this moment.  Maybe that’s a loser mentality, but in a decade full of David Kahn, Jonny Flynn, Troy Hudson rap albums and Michael Beasley spilling his bong water on everybody’s grandma, we’ll take it.

Next up, we play the Orlando Magic in Disneytown.  They are fucking awful, so of course they’ll beat us.

Go Wolves!

Los Angeles Lakers 107 – 143 Minnesota Timberwolves

If that’s your sales pitch for Kevin Love then I’m not too worried about 2015.

Nice game, douchebags.

lakerlosers