Vanilla Ice performing at the Timberwolves home opener halftime show.  Because apparently Pat Boone wasn't available.

Vanilla Ice performing at the Timberwolves home opener halftime show. Because apparently Pat Boone wasn’t available.

I saw Vanilla Ice perform last night.  Check it off on the bucket list of things I never actually meant to do, like graduating college before I was done partying and accidentally exercising.  Rob “Vanilla Ice” Van Winkle played for five minutes at the Timberwolves home opener half-time show and threw down all the massive hits.  He played a medley of “Ice, Ice, Baby”, “Play That Funky Music White Boy”, and then yelled “Make money money!” while the T-Wolves dancers jumped around for the remaining three minutes.  Catalogue complete!

He also wore a Darko Milicic jersey.  It’s fitting, considering their similarities.  Both were highly-esteemed in their early days for about a week.  Both don’t know how to do things very well.  The only difference is Darko went away.

Regardless, we won the game!  We had a big lead at one point and then blew it away (very Timberwolvesy) but we actually held on to get the W (not very Timberwolvesy).  We’ve got a pretty deep bench (not very Timberwolvesy) but we also seem to forget how to score for large stretches of time (super Timberwolvesy).  I’m going to say the most Timberwolvesy thing and say that we’ll be fun to watch and that we could maybe make the playoffs this year for once.  Now all we need is three more teams’ best players to get hurt and we’re there.  Poor OKC.

By the way, I have to call bullshit on something.  Someone supposedly taped a Timberwolves ticket to a pole in Minneapolis, then someone found it, took a pic of it and it went viral.  I don’t believe it for a second.  Some Wild fan did that.  Hockey fans are so insecure.  They’re so pissed about being the #4 sport in America that they have to talk smack to the NBA.  Don’t be pissed at us because half the country doesn’t care about you or your missing Chiclet teeth.  You guys are just figure skaters that we let fight.

Next up we play another bitter hockey town (Chicago) at home on Saturday.  This is going to be a tough one, but Chicago might collectively step on a paperclip and break their arms off so we have a chance!  Go Wolves!

Photo from cdn1.bloguin.com

Photo from cdn1.bloguin.com

It actually happened.  JJ Barea is gone.

The Wolves bought out his contract and waived him.  It’s all kind of bittersweet.  JJ was like an old recliner with pizza sauce crusted all over it.  Gross, embarrassing and definitely half covered in dog pee.  But also comfortable, because you can lean back on it or tilt it on it’s side and nobody cares if it snaps in half.  If he made a shot, great.  If he missed, well, you could curse him and expect to see him on the side of the curb by morning.

And now all our villains are gone.  Maniacally yelling at 1-2 Timberwolves is how I’ve survived these last few years.  Who is it going to be now?  I love the whole team.  Andrew Wiggins is the most likeable person on the planet.  I’m pretty sure Ronny Turiaf would find me and give me a hug and a $20 bill if I tweeted that I needed one.  Ricky Rubio farts Care Bears.  There’s always our idiot owner Glen Taylor, but that’s like getting mad at Daffy Duck for not wearing pants.  He wouldn’t even know what you mean.

I’ve reluctantly narrowed it down to three candidates:

Zach LaVine:  He’s a candidate because of his famous “Fuck me” incident.  He’s struggling to learn the point guard position and he seems pretty arrogant.  But damnit, I love that!  I love arrogant players. We’ve been too nice and awkward for too long.  We’re probably going to win 20-35 games, so in that process I want someone who will throw down a vicious dunk in a game while simultaneously filming it on his camera phone for Vine.  I want someone who probably kisses a velvet painting of himself before he goes to bed.  I want NBA Liberace!  Zach, you’re still cool.

Shabazz Muhammad:  Shabazz would have been perfect except for two complications: He never plays and he’s been working super hard in the off-season.  How do you hate that?  I fear that my biggest chance for a heel will just be sitting on the sidelines all season, looking ripped and innocent.  Have you seen his abs lately?  His stomach looks like a giant, unused roll of giant bubble wrap.  And everybody loves bubble wrap!  I just want to squeeze it and pop him until he can’t even stand up, for lack of stomach muscles.  I can’t stay mad at Shabubble!  Next!

Chase Budinger:  Ug, Chase Budinger.  It’s gotta be you, buddy.  Sorry, man.  You’re a good player and you’re supposedly getting your wheels back.  I don’t want to do this, but it’s for the good of the whole team and my own well-being.  So forgive me for having to pull a Harry & The Hendersons goodbye scene, but I have no choice.  Oh god this is hard:  “Get out of here, Chase Budinger!  Don’t you see we don’t want you anymore?  Why don’t you go back where you came from?  Now, leave us alone! *punches Chase in the face* Go. Go!”

Oh my god, that clip is so sad.  I’m still traumatized.  Come back, Chase.

harry

Tonight is the first night of the NBA season!  Wednesday is the Timberwolves’ season opener on the road against Memphis and then Thursday is the home opener against Detroit.  Go Wolves!

Photo from theplayerstribune.com

Photo from theplayerstribune.com

The T-Wolves season is about to begin!  I’ll be posting regularly once it does, but in the meantime I am freaking out.  KEVIN LOVE MENTIONED AND LINKED MY “Kevin Love Jersey Burning – MN Nice Style” video in his letter to Wolves fans/Cavs fans/himself/LeBron James/Mike Love.  I can die happy.  Famous people don’t seem real to me, but he’s real!  I will now be writing letters/making videos to the drummer from Iron Maiden, Kermit the Frog and Abraham Lincoln to try and continue this streak.

See you guys soon.

 

Anthony Bennett as depicted by Asian Pixar earlier this summer.  Photo from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uVIOjsZ-s0

Anthony Bennett as depicted by Asian Pixar. Photo from youtube.com/watch?v=2uVIOjsZ-s0

There are two thoughts that always give me comfort:

One: That there are still current NBA players older than me. (God bless you, Steve Nash.)

Two: That I’m less fat than Anthony Bennett.

Well damnit, AB screwed it all up and got into shape.  What am I supposed to do now?!  Soon Nash will retire to Canada and his $20,000,000 maple tree mansion and I’ll just be old and floppy.  Can we force Oliver Miller out of retirement?  Thanks Tony, now I can’t eat these Gummy Bear pancakes just because you decided to fulfill your potential.

However, if last night is any indication of how AB’s destiny is going to pan out, we’re in good shape ourselves.  Bennett scored 13 points and grabbed eight rebounds in just under 25 minutes of play in his Timberwolves preseason debut.  He threw down a couple thunderous dunks, had a killer spin move and did not once try and order a mashed potato pizza or eat JJ Barea.  (We would have allowed it.)

I wouldn’t be a true Minnesotan if doubt and pessimism didn’t creep back in.  This is only one preseason game.  People get lucky.  I’m sure Kwame Brown has had accidentally good games before.  Human Ent Manute Bol once hit six three pointers in a one half.  I won $100 in a Cap’n Crunch box in 6th grade (and spent it on a basketball, a Bell Biv Devoe tape, a Risk board game that I played by myself because I had no friends and the rest on Twix candy bars.  I haven’t won a damn thing since.)  And after all, we were playing the lowly 76ers without Joel Embiid, Noel Nerlens and Michael Carter-Williams, which officially puts them at 7th grade recess level, if the kids had never played basketball before and were all napping.

But screw it!  This is the season of unfamiliar optimism.  We have no players pushing their way out (knock on wood, knock on wood), our bench is actually way better than last year, we have potentially limitless Rubioops to Andrew Wiggins and Anthony Bennett is currently not strapped to a custard/jelly donut dialysis machine.  He may not be the next Karl Malone, but he might just live up to that #1 pick status after all.

AH SHIT!  I can’t write an article and not be pissy about something!  It feels so weird!  I hate JJ!  My taco doesn’t have enough sauce!  Glen Taylor hates puppies and thinks that Croatians aren’t people!  Phew, that’s better.  Now I’m ready to watch a Timberwolves season.

Go Wolves!

My dog Frosty is ready for the new Timberwolves season.

The new look in dachshund fashion.

The new look in dachshund fashion.

MNrise

This is not an anti-Kevin Love post.

I’ve focused so much mental energy on that man.  I wrote blog after angry blog cursing him out.  I begged him to stay.  I even made a video about Minnesotans being too nice to burn his jersey.

But I’m done complaining. Kevin Love is gone and what we got back is probably the best haul for a superstar forcing his way out, ever:

Andrew Wiggins: Holy Moses Malone, we got Wiggins!  I’ve been so worried for the past month that we’d screw it up or that the league would veto the trade.  But it actually worked out and we now have arguably (and that’s a big arguably) the most touted talent since LeBron James joining our team.  And he’s Canadian!  People always bitch about our cold weather, but that’s nothing to a Canuck!  Minnesota winters are Fiji to them!  And we live close enough that we can import poutine and Tim Horton’s relatively cheaply to make him happy.  The dude is chill and smiley and just wants to be on a team that wants him.  Well guess what, Andrew?  Minnesota wants you!  We’re desperate and friendly and we’ll take you to our cabins up north to make you feel less homesick. Seriously, if you’d have told me a year ago that we’d have Andrew Freakin’ Wiggins right now I’d have punched you in the throat and demanded to know who sent you. But now, like KG said: “Anything is possible!”  Let’s get Kevin Durant in 2016 and then maybe an android version of 1996 Scottie Pippen!  Our starting center can be Bowser from Mario Kart!

Anthony Bennett: Okay, let’s be honest: Anthony Bennett had literally the worst season ever for a #1 overall pick last year. Like Nicki Minaj singing the national anthem and changing it to about butts bad.  It’s not even worth going into Bennett’s stats.  My high school varsity b-ball stats were better and I only scored two points total and even I was surprised the ball went in. However, there are reports all over the league that he’s really gotten into shape and is actually trying and doing pretty well in the summer league. If the fat kid from Teen Wolf can get better, then a former #1 player can too.  Oh, and he’s also Canadian!  Share the maple leafs, Wiggins, you got a Mountie buddy!

Thaddeus Young: I actually don’t know much about Thaddeus Young.  I know he averaged 17ppg last year and everybody from Philly seemed to love him. More importantly, his name is incredible. Thaddeus sounds like the name an alien overlord would give himself to try to blend in and be more likeable.  And according to Wikipedia, it’s the 611th most popular male name in America. (#610 is “Boy”.) But hey, Overlord Gladius Thaddeus will likely be our new starting PF and he has a reputation for NOT complaining, so count me in!

Throw these three fellas names in with other newcomers to our team like Zach Lavine and Mo Williams, then mix ‘em up with our carry-over players like Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Kevin Martin, Corey Brewer, Chase Budinger, Gorgui Dieng and even Shabazz Muhammad and we’ve got a pretty dang good team.

Maybe not playoffs good yet, but hey…why start now?