The NBA season isn’t over yet, but it sure as shit is for the Timberwolves. Stick a rusty, injured, confused, teenage, non-defense playing fork in it! But hey, what better time to roll out the end of the season Timberwolves Awards than right when the rest of the basketball world is gearing up to start playing for realsies?
Here are my awards for each Timberwolves player currently on the roster. Someday I’ll get to do this when there’s actual leaves on the trees:
MVP: Ricky Rubio - We simply need this wobbly noodle of a man-boy. Only Minnesota and Spain seem to realize how good he is. Maybe if we got on national television more often than chimpanzees go to space, the rest of the world would catch on? Rubio to Wiggins forever!
Brightest Future Award: Andrew Wiggins - Speaking of forever, I want to use this space to say FUCK YOU to Toronto and everybody associated with it that thinks they’re going to steal him from us. Oh you guys think you’re so cool because you got Drake? Well, we got Bob Dylan, Prince and sometimes Josh Harnett so go suck on that you mountie-butted syrup-lickers! Do you really think we’re going to let Wiggins go after the whole Kevin Love debacle? NEVER! Rob Ford has a better chance of being elected President or Premier or His Holiness or whatever the fuck you guys call your leaders there but nobody knows because nobody cares about Canada.
Most Likely To Become A Bag Of Pencil Shavings Next Year Award: Kevin Garnett - Dear god, he’s old. He’s older than me and I don’t even play pick-up basketball anymore for fear of needing a hip replacement. I love KG. I love him like my dog loves pooping on a very specific piece of paneling on our floor. It’s direct and special. But I believe we are going to sign him to a two-year contract and that is going to be interesting. One-Eyed Willy has got more in the tank than KG. Let’s just hope he buys this damn team.
Most Likely To Shoot No Matter What Award: Kevin Martin - Well, I guess somebody’s got to score. It’d be nice if Wiggins could get more of those shots, but you just can’t seem to stop K-Mart from lobbing up his weird sideways rubber-band sling-shot. I know it usually goes in, but it’s like he shoots it from his belly button somehow. It gives me a seizure.
Somehow Managed To Play Less Games Than Kevin Garnett Award: Nikola Pekovic - People always say that Pekovic looks like Non The Destroyer from Superman 2, but at least Non was in the whole movie. Lose some weight, you giant walrus. At least the 500lb women of Walmart know when to get on a Rascal.
The “Their Mom Was Definitely Drunk When They Spelled His Name On The Birth Certificate” Award: Adreian Payne - Really? Adreian? What’re you saving up all those vowels for? Was your mom Vanna White? That’s not fair, though. My favorite basketball players ever were Miechaeol Jordan, Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarl Malone and AEIOU Johnson.
He Sucks Now But He’ll Definitely Be Better Next Year Award: Gorgui Dieng - This is Gorgui’s second time winning this award. He’s slated to win it every year until he retires.
Best Dunker/Worst Player Award: Zach LaVine - Hey, it worked for Harold Miner, right?
The “He’s Definitely Gone Next Year” Award: Gary Neal - Gary wants to live in Minnesota about as bad as Kim Kardashian.
Most Fun Name To Say Award: Shabazz Muhammad - Gorgui is fun to say, but Shabazz Muhammad is like taking your mouth on a motorcycle over a field of bubble-wrap. SHABAZZ! It makes me feel like Batman throwing smoke-pellet onto the ground. SHABAZZ!!!!
The “Hey, Go Ahead And Take THIS One, Canada” Award: Anthony Bennett - Fuck you, Toronto.
Whitest Dude Alive Award MVP: Chase Budinger
Whitest Dude Alive Award Runner-up: Robbie Hummel
Whitest Dude Alive Newcomer Award: Justin Hamilton
The “I Totally Forgot That Lorenzo Brown Is On Our Team” Award: Lorenzo Brown
Next up we play the Brooklyn Nets here in Minnesota. I’m disappointed that it’s not in Brooklyn. I was really looking forward to seeing their two year highlight video of KG’s 6 ppg for them. Go Wolves!