Steph Curry is arguably the greatest and most marketable player currently in the NBA.  And now Curry has something that neither LeBron or Durant have: his own pair of Baby Boomer tennies.

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The hottest shoes at Bingo Night.

Listen, I’m no fashion expert.  I will go outside with a giant stain covering half of my shirt if my wife doesn’t stop me.  But I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing these unless I was a narc trying to infiltrate a Paul Simon concert.  These shoes should come with grass stains, because they are identical to the ones your dad wears when he mows the lawn.  I’m pretty sure these come with a free phone clip to attach to your belt.

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Just another day for Mike Brody

How insane is it that a 38-year-old white guy with zero taste can sit here making fun of an NBA star’s signature shoes?   I’m convinced Under Armour had a warehouse shipping mistake and somewhere there’s a horde of Cocoon-aged retirees learning to play tennis for the first time wearing neon purple designer pimp shoes.  Did the guy who invented New Coke move into shoe design?  If lactose-free unflavored yogurt were a shoe, these would be it.

They should call these “The Matlocks”.  Better yet, they should call these the “Dell Curry’s” because they resemble something Steph’s dad would have worn to file his taxes in 1988.

DellCurry

Steph’s dad’s shoes were cooler and he wore shorts up to his nuts.

I talked to 7’3″ retired NBA player Randy Breuer once.  He said that Reebok gave him 100 pairs of size 18 Reebok Pumps in 1989 and he still has most of them.  He just wears a pair until they blow out and then puts on the next Bigfoot gurney.  So it stands to reason that Curry will have 100 or so in his basement until 2090.

Here’s a couple things he can do to fix the situation:

  • Attempt to return them to Kohl’s
  • Donate them to crazy old man gum-mouth Steve Kerr.
  • Make sure that Klay Thompson’s new shoes are white Crocs.

And yet, he’ll still make more money off these then I will make in a lifetime.

New life-plan: Steal Steph Curry’s 100 sneakers and sell them on Craigslist as George Mikan originals.  Hello retirement!

 

 

 

 

OMG OMG OMG!  Tom Thibodeau is our coach!

I realize this is a few days late, but I live in Minneapolis.  Prince died and everything officially shut down while a giant chunk of downtown became a three-day dance party.  We lost our purple president.  It’s like if 69 Kevin Garnetts died.

However, I’ve had a moment to regroup and it’s time to re-commence my excitement:

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Come on ride the Thibs Train! Yeehaw! (Photo: Andy Lyons/Getty Images)

Yes, there are concerns about his overplaying players, driving them into the ground and therefore causing unneeded injuries.  That may or may not be true, but it’s a small concern.  If you’ve been driving a Ford Focus for 15 years, you don’t complain because your new Ferrari doesn’t have a cup-holder.

Many people are wondering how our young team is going to fit in with this hard-nosed workhorse.  Will they fall apart under the pressure or flourish with the new discipline? Here’s how I predict it will go with each player individually:

Karl-Anthony Towns – KAT is going to be a 25ppg/12 rpg player next year.  Thibs’ intensity will only make him work harder and he’ll become a top ten player on his way to eventually becoming the greatest big man in NBA history.  Basketball will be renamed “KATball” and every player will be required to have an imaginary friend.  He’ll be elected ruler of the new world when we colonize Mars and will rule over 1000 years of peace.  I’m freaking out!  I LOVE KAT!!!

Andrew Wiggins – This will go either one of two ways.  Either his nice-guy Canadian DNA will cause him to wither in the face of a screamy, meany-face coach or it’ll unlock his inner mutant like Deadpool. I’m hoping for the latter. In fact, Wiggins won’t fully arrive until he becomes so enraged that he rips Thibs’ throat out like a vampire and sets the Cannuck flag on fire, screaming “I denounce everything Canadian and hereby proclaim my home as HELL!”

Ricky Rubio – It’s really hard to imagine our little Care Bear Ricky with tough-guy Thibs.  It’s also hard to imagine his knees holding up under the work.  The good news is, Ricky could never jump before, so he can blow his knees out 250 times and still have the same speed/vertical.  I think Thibs is going to execute 45 shooting coaches to make this work.

Zach LaVine – LaVine is the only one out of this group that I think will be unfazed by all the ferocity.  LaVine is just too chill and oblivious.  I’m pretty sure Thibs could strangle LaVine’s hamster in front of him and he’d still be wondering if he set his DVR to record “Empire”.

Kevin Garnett – Thibs is Garnett.  Garnett is Thibs.  They are a match made in heaven.  If these two men were mob bosses and I got caught ratting on them, I’d hang myself so I wouldn’t have to get skinned alive, rolled in honey, thrown to a genetically modified killer bear, then beaten to death with a folding chair on fire.

Shabazz Muhammad – Guess who’s not going to be sneaking girls into hotel rooms when he’s not supposed to anymore?

Gorgui Dieng – Dieng runs like a choo-choo train. Look at him next time he plays.  He doesn’t move up or down when he runs and his arms hang low like they’re on the tracks.  This has nothing to do with Tom Thibodeau but I’ve been wanting to say that for a while.

Nikola Pekovic – Upon hearing about Thibs’ hiring, Pek’s legs immediately turned to dust.  Pek is currently a $20 million cloud floating over Yellowstone National Park.

Nemanja Bjelica – One soft European + one insanely psychotic, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen coach = What could go wrong?

Adreian Payne – Adreian has a lot of talent.  Maybe Thibs can unlock that and scare away some of those stupid extra vowels in the process?

Tyus Jones – Probably the only player who, if Thibs makes him sad, can run back to their mother in Burnsville.  Nothing a Karmelkorn Treat Center stop at the Burnsville Mall can’t fix.

Tayshaun Prince – Thibs and Tayshaun will spend most of the year reminiscing about graduating high school together.

Damjan Rudez – Rudez also looks forward to being introduced to the team.

Greg Smith – 10 day contract guys are like handjobs.  Are they really worth counting?

Next up for us is a lottery pick and free-agency.  Let’s sign all of them!

Go Wolves!

Well I’ll be damned.  Glen Taylor can make good decisions after all. All it took was for him to pay someone else to make them.  Mr. Peanut just hired some fancy-pants consulting firm, who I’ve never heard of but I know they’re fancy because someone told me they were, to vet and choose the next Wolves coach and president.

I’ve heard that when he’s not busy being a Magneto double, Taylor’s actually a really nice guy.  But is this really the dude you want making basketball decisions for your team?

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“You guys listening to the rippity-rap? No, I’m not a cop.”

Do you realize what this means?  This means someone who is good at decisions will be making them.  My god!  What’s that like?  And he fired Mitchell!  Taylor doesn’t fire his friends, he gives them bonuses for being stupid and then buys them a bathtub gin and a Model-T Ford.  “Ah woo gah!”

So who’s going to be the replacement?  There are a few candidates for the new Timberwolves coaching position:

  1. Tom Thibodeau – He’s a workhorse and he stresses defense, which is something we’re as familiar with as Mongolian literature.  However, I recently talked to a retired Timberwolf who played with Thibs when he was an assistant for us and he called him “Dumb as shit.”  That really has nothing to do with anything but it’s awesome.
  2. Scott Brooks – He kind of looks like Steve Kerr.  Maybe that’ll translate into a 73 win season next year?
  3. Dave Joerger – Minnesota guy.  That’s all it takes for Minnesotans to want someone around.  Minnesotans would take Jerry Sandusky if he were from Maplewood.
  4. Jeff Van Gundy – Only if this happens every game.
  5. Mark Jackson – Eh, who needs a coach  anyway?

That’s it for our season!  We ended up with 29 wins, which is disappointing if Flip were still in the picture but really great considering he wasn’t.  We have a potential top five lottery pick coming up this summer and the Target Center is getting renovated.  I say this every year but NEXT YEAR WE’RE GOING TO BE AWESOME!  See you next season when I come up with all the other excuses for why we still suck.

GO WOLVES!

 

I haven’t written a Timberwolves blog in a long time.  How could I, when Sam Mitchell has beaten, slapped, squeezed, tea-bagged and Timberwolved all the joy out of everything that made the team fun?  My heart is broken, like Zach LaVine finding out Space Jam isn’t real.

I got depressed.  I didn’t want to write 20 blogs in a row about my burning hatred of Mitchell and how I JUST KNOW they’re going to hire that human centipede full time this summer.  How we’ll sign Karl-Anthony Towns’ alter-ego “Karlito” and then pick up “Lil’ Penny” to make him feel more at home.  Then we’ll trade for some geezer named “Jellybean” who was old enough to play in Morris Day & The Time and start him over one of our future All-Stars because “I’m Sam Mitchell and I know everything, except how stupid having one earring looks on a grown man in 2016.  And basketball.”

Being a Timberwolves fan is like going to a mall with tons of cool stores that all promise to be open next year.  What are we supposed to do in the meantime?  Enjoy this kiosk?  I don’t want a Superman belt-buckle or hermit crabs, I want goddamn Lego Land open!  This mall has been under construction for 14 years!  Our losing record can almost legally drive to this hypothetical mall!

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Timberwolves fans from 2004-present

A break was needed.  But now I’m back.  I’m back for all the highs and lows and lows and lows.  I’m back for Bill Simmons actually saying the first nice thing he’s ever said about the Timberwolves.  I’m back for our future draft pick and rising stars, even though it’s less clear who’s steering this ship than who’s running the Illuminati.  I’m back for the soon-to-be-refurbished stadium, because when this beast was built Heavy D & The Boys were still cutting edge.

Just please…whoever’s calling the shots out there in Timberwolf Land – don’t hire Sam Mitchell.  I’ll take anybody else.  I’ll take Kurt Rambis, the panda from above, the weird hitch-hiking robot from Canada that New Jersey destroyed.  I’ll take this other Sam Mitchell, who I accidentally found in a Google search and seems to be some kind of rugby/cricket/white-person-ball player from Tasmania who dresses like a sporty bumblebee:

sam-mitchell-other

I bet he’d play Towns

Next up we play the Clippers in Minneapolis.  Blake Griffin is almost back from his suspension for punching a staff member.  Suddenly I want him on our team.

Go Wolves!

 

bomb

We just lost to the Sixers.  THE SIXERS!  A fricking squad possibly made up of two basketball players and a gaggle of Lacrosse rejects.  You know how people never count George Mikan as one of the top ten players of all-time because he practically played with peach baskets and definitely only played against rigid, dorky white men who never left the ground without a ladder?  The Sixers would lose to elderly George Mikan laying on his back.

And still they creamed us.  It’s like getting beat at Monopoly by your dog.  It shouldn’t even be possible.  I’ve been trying to keep it positive this year, but screw it.  I can’t take it anymore.  My Minnesotan passive-aggressiveness has reached full capacity and it’s nuclear meltdown time.

It’s time to fire Sam Mitchell’s sorry ass.

He sucks.  He sucks so bad.  He is the DeAndre Jordan free throw of coaches.  He is 85% of the reason why we are losing.  The other 15% is a combination of youth and Wiggins’ Canadian side thinking beating a team is too mean.  The only coach worse than Sam Mitchell is Byron Scott and I’m still not convinced they’re not the same person.  They’re both so antiquated, I wouldn’t be surprised if either of them starting telling their players to shoot granny-style.  If Sam Mitchell were a life coach he’d be telling people to sell their car, buy a pile of silver and stack it for safe-keeping in their mailbox.

Some people think we can’t fire an interim coach.  After all, he’s only the head coach because Flip Saunders passed away.  Interim coaches don’t often get fired.  Well, Popes don’t usually resign but Pope Darth Sidious did and look how shit turned out after that.  Is Sam Mitchell Catholic?  Can we implicate him in some shady priest relocations?  At this point, I’ll settle for any excuse.  He hasn’t seen “Hunger Games: Mockingjay”?  Fire him!

Fire Mitchell’s ass.  Do it in ways that he’ll understand.  How did people fire people 100 years ago?  Shit, send him a telegram.  He’ll think Randy Breur is finally returning his message.

Dear Sam Mitchell, STOP

You are fired. STOP

You are fired because you wouldn’t play the good players when it mattered.  STOP  You are fired because you run an offense that hasn’t been used since basketball shorts hugged players’ assholes. STOP  You are fired because you have the ego of a reality TV chef without any of the ideas or success.  STOP  You are fired because thinking Zach LaVine is a point guard is dumber than Zach LaVine himself.  STOP

Just stop.  STOP  That first stop was a real stop. STOP

STOP! STOP

Sincerely, STOP

Minnesota STOP

Next up we play the Denver Nuggets at home.  What does it matter?

 

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Manu Ginobili in training camp. Photo from wikia.nocookie.net

The San Antonio Spurs seem perfect.  Everything that’s ever been a weakness to them, they’ve turned around and made an advantage.  Think they’re too old?  They just used their Social Security to buy anti-aging blood transfusions.  Think they’re boring?  Now they’re the most exciting team in the league.  Wait, now they’re too flashy?  Look again, they’re boring again!  You can’t keep up with these bastards.

The Timberwolves play the Spurs on Wednesday night and while it’s highly unlikely that we’ll get a win, we do have a chance if we focus on their minuscule faults.

Everybody knows the Spurs are old.  It’s getting old that they’re old.  They’re so old they actually can’t remember the Alamo anymore.  They’re starting to get so old that they actually look young.  Like a first term president.  Maybe the fact that we’re so incredibly young will confuse the Spurs, like rap music to Baby Boomers?  I’m assuming that the Spurs’ locker room has a high-tech ADT system that won’t let anybody in under the age of 32.  Perhaps the three actually old Timberwolves can infiltrate the Spurs’ pre-game Gold Bond party as spies and steal their game plans?

Another potential weakness of the Spurs is the relative unfamiliarity of their newest star, LaMarcus Aldridge, to the San Antonio system.  I suggest we expose this situation by trying to make Aldridge forget he doesn’t play on the Portland Trailblazers anymore.  Unused Wolves players like Adreian Payne can carry their weight by yelling Portlandy stuff like “Pass it to Lillard!” and “Hey guy on a unicycle, is this basketball certified organic vegan?”  It’s not fair that the Spurs got Aldridge and I full-heartedly support bad sportmanship to equalize him.  The Spurs getting him is like the Wu-Tang Clan getting Kendrick Lamar.  Haven’t you had enough success you, pampered rodeo clowns? Time to ride into the sunset, Kemosabe.

It’s really hard to think of another crack in the San Antonio facade.  My last guest is that maybe they’re tired of winning.  The Spurs, even before Duncan, have been a 50 win season 99% of the time since the early 90s.  Did you ever see that shitty Nicholas Cage movie where he’s an angel and he decides to become human because he’s an idiot?   That’s what San Antonio should do.  They know what it’s like to win five championships.  Now it’s time they turn into the Sacramento Kings.  I want to see locker room fights, coaches that hate the players’ guts and star players only if they are also complete dickheads.  That’s going to be a tough one.  Tim Duncan seems like the kind of guy who runs a freelance Model UN for orphans.  The only chance I see is of a last minute trade for Lance Stephenson, who then gets the whole team addicted to street Adderrall which makes them all think Poppovich is a NARC and they beat him unconscious with ten gallon hats.

Damnit, we’re screwed.

Go Wolves!

I’m not an analytics guy.  I don’t understand math and I don’t give a crap what PER is, because it makes my head hurt and it feels like reading Latin backwards.  I watch the NBA to be entertained, not figure out if Zach LaVine would get to St. Cloud faster on a train heading west at 75mph from ten miles away versus Gorgui Dieng two feet away on roller skates.

I’m an emotional NBA fan.  I judge players like my mother judges me: On a day-by-day basis depending on how “neat” they are.  Steph Curry could have a five point, 1-12 night and I’d be ready to consider him the next Kwame Brown.  In other words, I’m an idiot.  So here’s this idiot’s emotional, irrational list of the best rookies in the NBA so far.

1) Karl-Anthony Towns

This one’s in the bag.  KAT is a beast and once his minutes get past the length of a Daily Show clip he’s going to lead the rookies in most categories.  My favorite things about KAT include his intensity and the fact that at 20 years old he has an imaginary friend.  I’m 37 and go on ghost hunts so any time a successful person is crazy it makes me feel like I’ve got a shot.

2) Kristaps Porzingis

I still can’t pronounce his name so I just call him “Portishead”.  A lot of people think Portishead looks like Dolph Lundgren in “Rocky IV” but I see him in more of a Dolph Lundren in “Kindergarten Cop 2” light.  I didn’t know it existed until recently but sign me the fuck up.

3) Larry Nance Jr.

Larry is not a super great rookie, but for some reason I find it hilarious that Larry Nance has a son in the NBA.  Other sons of former NBA stars I’d like to see in the league include Spud Webb Jr., Andrew Bynum Jr., George Mikan Jr. (he’s 65) and Shawn Kemp IX.

4) Jahlil Okafor

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Me trying to understand ORtg ratings. Photo from a1.fssta.com

Okafor got into a street fight last week and unfortunately it’s the most exciting thing the 76ers have been associated with in years.  Was Okafor a dick before Philadelphia or is there just something about the City of Brotherly Love that turns people into raging psychopaths?  Turns out the fight started when someone came up to Okafor and his teammates and started talkin’ about PRACTICE.

5) Justice Winslow

I would pay $10,000 to have Justice Winslow’s name.  It sounds like an old-timey street-vigilante’s moniker.  “Hey mac, drop the diamonds.  Justice Winslow is coming!”  BIFF PAFF BLOP!  When he’s not busy being a promising NBA rookie, Justice Winslow shoots judge gavels from his fingertips fighting his notorious gangster arch-enemies Mugsy Bogues, Tiny Archibald and Vinny “The Microwave” Johnson.

Next up the Timberwolves play the Clippers in Los Angeles.  DeAndre Jordan has said he’ll be there, which means he won’t be playing.

Go Wolves!