There’s been some vicious snubs in the world lately. Donald Trump’s replacement pick for National Security Advisor turned him down because he doesn’t know anybody from Russia. People flipped out that Adele beat Beyonce because everybody forgot that the Grammys are a steaming pile of manatee poop and mean about as much as a Hug Award from your mom. My body said no to me just now when I tried to go for a jog because I run like a duck and gummy bears are not a good warm-up snack.
But no snub is more vicious than Karl-Anthony Towns being left off the 2017 NBA All-Star team. What does a bitch have to do?! He’s averaging 23.7 ppg, 11.8 rpg, 2.9 asp, 1.4 bpg and has the third best smile in the league after fellow Timberwolf Andrew Wiggins and former Timberwolf Corey Brewer. (Most underrated smile is Tom Thibodeau’s, which comes out as often as Punxsutawney Phil the Groundhog, but looks like a drunken badger that just discovered Scientology.)
Who are all these chumps that got the nod over Towns? Allow me to go through the list and break down why they don’t deserve it. I’m only going to go through the Western Conference because 1) Towns plays in the West and 2) Literally anybody who can dribble in a straight line and doesn’t have 4 DUIs gets into the All-Star Game in the East. Kurt Rambis is playing in the East. Fuck the East.
Stephen Curry – If Stephen Curry is so hot then why was he drafted after Ricky Rubio and Jonny Flynn, huh? Overrated! You’ll always just be Dell Curry’s son to me!
James Harden – Has anybody bothered to ask why James Harden’s beard is so big? I’ll tell you: PEDs. He hides PEDs in his beard during games and when he does that little “mix it up” pantomine after scoring points he’s literally mixing up his meds. Illegal!
Kevin Durant – I don’t know if I can even talk about Kevin Durant in the West because if the East wins he’ll just go over there next year.
Kawhi Leonard – Kawhi Leonard is not a real person. He’s an emotionless robot created by Gregg Popovich using spare salsa he found in Texas for organic matter and the extra “Gs” in Gregg’s stupid first name. SHOULD NOT PLAY.
Anthony Davis – Anthony Davis looks like the kind of guy who’d have really wet palms. Just a creepy dude standing in the corner with his (literally) trademarked unibrow getting everything slimy with his disgusting swamp hands. It makes the balls greasy and unusable.
Russell Westbrook – This man is a danger to everything and everyone around him. If you thought Anthony Davis was creepy, wait until you see Westbrook’s “Silence Of The Lambs” dungeon where he keeps and tortures all the people who looked at him sideways or cut him off in traffic or stole his Urkel glasses. Unsafe!
Klay Thompson – I hate Klay Thompson’s stupid face so much. It looks like the thing they lay terrorists on when they waterboard them. He looks like Screech if his dad were rich. So what, you can shoot threes. I saw Manute Bol hit six threes once. You ain’t special!
Gordon Hayward – Who?
DeMarcus Cousins – I actually think DeMarcus Cousins might physically track me down and hurt me if I write something here so I’m leaving it blank.
DeAndre Jordan – Really? We’re letting insurance salesmen in now?
Marc Gasol – Token European.
Draymond Green – Draymond Green is 100% an All-Star of kicking people in the balls. He’s that punk from Duke if he were somehow less likeable than Duke.
None of you are better than Karl-Anthony Towns! KAT is Michael Jordan mixed with Hakeem Olajuwon mixed with Megan Fox and BBQ chicken with extra BBQ. I have issues!
Next up the Wolves play Dallas in Minneapolis on the Friday after the All-Star break. KAT WILL PLAY THE MAVS 1-ON-12 AND WIN!!!