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Sometimes a blog post doesn’t need too many words. 14 years without making the playoffs. We finally did it. Yeah we’ll probably get swept by the Rockets. Who cares? I feel like that 105 year old man they show on TV when a team’s about to win a championship. “He sat through it all!”

Here’s how I reacted when we made it. My dogs were very upset.

 

 

 

We cool.

I’ve been a fan of the Minnesota Timberwolves since 2002.  I saw some good years, then sat through a decade and a half of BDSM with all of the bleeding and none of the enjoyment.  I went to games that were so sparsely attended that even though I bought upper bowl tickets, I sat in the third row courtside and nobody stopped me.  Hell, I could have played and nobody would have cared.  I slogged through Rambis, Kahn, Darko, knuckle push-ups and the Cream Team.  Still year in and year out I come back to this team, because I gave my heart to them.  I even made a video where I couldn’t burn Kevin Love’s jersey because I loved the Pups too much.

But after last night, I will only put in as much effort as the Timberwolves do.  And that currently is zero.  Players and coaches change over the years, but the one thing that remains constant is the fans.  And the Timberwolves fans deserve better than this.  My 98 year old grandma would have tried harder and she’s not alive.

So fuck you, Timberwolves.

fuckyou

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, Taj & Teague – you’re cool, fuck you, fuck you.  I’m out.

(Yeah, yeah, yeah I’m not going anywhere and maybe after next game I’ll change my tune but I’m just completely disillusioned with this franchise right now.)

Many of you know that February 8 is the NBA trade deadline.  What many of you DON’T know is that February 8 is also National Iowa Day.  As the fourth most famous Iowan (after Ashton Kutcher, Tom Arnold, Slipknot and tied with Bix Beiderbecke), I feel like this gives me credible authority from up high to submit my trade deadline directly to Tom Thibodeau and staff.

My requests/demands are as follows:

Shabazz Muhammad & Cole Aldrich for Avery Bradley

According to ESPN’s NBA Trade Machine, this trade works out salary-wise.  We would get someone who could be a much needed “3&D” player, but we would lose our favorite scapegoat and a human hockey puck.  It would really be a homerun for us, but why in the world would Detroit make that trade?  We’d have to convince them that Shabazz is the next Boris Diaw and that Aldrich would be perfect as the next Robocop.  I have begun the campaign:

RoboCole

RoboCole

Gorgui Dieng and the Thunder 1st round pick for Nikola Mirotic 

I stole this trade idea from Dunking With Wolves because I’m bad at math and lazy, but it would make sense.  We are blood brothers with the Chicago Bulls and this trade would take them one step closer to being the 2016-17 Timberwolves.  I would honestly miss Gorgui’s wonderfully reliable 800 foot 2-pointers and the way he runs like someone is giving him a colonoscopy, but we would be getting our first player since Nikola Pekovic who looks like he’s cut off someone’s finger to gain fingerprint code access.  (NOTE: I just realized that, like Pekovic, Mirotic is from Montenegro.  What is it with that place and Bond Villains?  I’m positive both of them have dangled someone over an acid pit.  Although Pek would be the goon holding them and Mirotic would be in the suit twiddling his fingers and making a speech about Chaucer.)

mirotic

“You should have seen the sly col-fox, waiting in the bed of wortes. Lower him, my Pek.”

Aaron Brooks for an broken soda machine

It’s an even trade, because like an old soda machine, Aaron Brooks used to work but now only gives out Diet Mountain Dew.

Tyus Jones for Tyler Jones

We all love home-town hero Tyus Jones, but Tyler is so much younger than him.  If this trade doesn’t work out, we can always explore a Karl-Anthony Towns/Burl-Michaely Towns swap or even a Nemanja Bjelica/Jumanji Pizza deal.

Next up we play the Hawks in Atlanta.  Crappy Eastern Conference team…worst record in the league…on the road…uh oh.  We will definitely start with a 40 point lead and lose by 15.

GO WOLVES!!!

(Robocop/Cole Aldrich photoshop by Tim Brechlin)

darko-milicic

I’m convinced that God hates Minnesota.

Maybe it’s because we have a town named Odin?  Maybe he hates the Mall Of America because having four magnet stores is the modern day Tower of Babel?  Maybe he thinks Atmosphere is wack?  All I know is that the Minnesota Timberwolves are 27-16 right now and we can’t jinx this shit by acting like we’re all fancy pants.

Whenever a Minnesotan thinks we’re doing all right, we get the rug pulled out from under us.  Think 2004 Wolves, think 2016 Vikings, think season 2 of the TV show “Vikings”, think Prince after the Batman soundtrack because fight me that shit was awesome, think me in yoga class when I finally got crow pose and then fell on my face and possibly farted.  We haven’t had this good of a record since I had hair and I’ve been bald for a really long time.  If we screw this season up I’m gonna lose my eyebrows from stress and then how am I supposed to act surprised when Shabazz Muhammad passes the ball?

So I’m gonna take one for the team.  Literally.

We suck.

We deserve to lose and surely this is not reverse psychology towards God and the universe.  Jimmy Butler?  Dude’s horrible.  We’d be better off with that Finnish guy who looks like Screech.  Karl-Anthony Towns plays Twitch so much because he’s trying to drown out the voices that tell him to strangle baby ducks.  Andrew Wiggins is the Defensive Player Of The Year (<— reverse psychology inside of reverse psychology, bitches!) and has a really gross smile.  Taj Gibson is LAZY.  Tyus Jones is actually from Des Moines.  Jamal Crawford is afraid to shoot because all of his tattoos are fake and they might smudge off when he moves.  Jeff Teague voted for Trump.  Gorgui Dieng’s arms are physically incapable of leaving his hips while running (this one’s actually true).  Marcus Georges-Hunt hates “Gorgeous Gorgui” because he thinks HIS nickname should be “Gorgeous Georges”, which does make more sense phonetically, but SCREW THAT LOCKER ROOM POISONER!  Belly doesn’t shovel his sidewalk in the winter and just puts down salt that hurts your dogs.  Cole Aldrich hates “Mighty Ducks”.  Aaron Brooks puts “Smooth Move” herbal laxative tea in Shabazz Muhammad’s Gatorade and it doesn’t matter because Shabazz plays three minutes a game.  Justin Patton and Anthony Brown are conspiracy theories made up by Kyrie Irving.  Tom Thibodeau is just a tree stump that someone drew a face on.  And all Timberwolves fans think Nikola Jokic is better than Towns, miss David Kahn and Kurt Rambis dearly and can’t wait until the most exciting thing at the Target Center is the Cherry Berry give-away again.

Phew.

You’re welcome.

Up next we play the Knicks in Minneapolis, where we’ll surely lose because we really screwed up by getting rid of Michael Beasley.

GO KNICKS!

Tyus Jones, Alex Caruso

AP Photo/Jim Mone

In case you didn’t know, the Los Angeles Lakers used to be the Minneapolis Lakers.  Granted, this was back when it was almost all whites dudes and people still played with peach baskets and medicine balls.  Shoes were worn on the court solely because exposed toes were considered too sexual.  A highlight reel consisted of George Mikan scoring eight million points without ever leaving his feet.  BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WANT TO.

52-53_lakers

Remember when all the kids wore their flat-footed “Vern Mikkelson” Converses? From NBAhoops.com

Still, that team belonged to us.  We won five of the Lakers 16 championships in Minneapolis.  You know, the land of LAKES.  And then the team left.  I honestly don’t know the full story because I didn’t have time to read the telegrams, but I understand it wasn’t exactly acrimonious.  Think of how Seattle feels about Oklahoma City now, except with the NBA fanship roughly the size of curling.

Flash forward past civil rights and the discovery that smoking is bad during halftime to last night.  The L.A. Lakers were in town to play the Minnesota Timberwolves and these SUMSOFBITCHES wore their throw-back “MPLS. Lakers” jerseys.  That’s like if Seattle actually did get a team again and OKC showed up wearing a Shawn Kemp style “Supersonics” jersey to rub it in.  Or if the New Orleans Pelicans played the Charlotte Hornets and wore their retro jerseys as the New Orleans Hornets, even though technically they aren’t considered a part of that franchise anymore even though they drafted people as Hornets that ended up as Pelicans.  No, wait.  I’m confused. THE POINT IS, IT WAS SHITTY and there are only one of two explanations for the Lakers’ rationale in doing so:

  1. They are so egocentric as a team that they thought they were honoring us by wearing the name of our city in OUR HOUSE, even though it was ripped from our hands back when people ate lead for fun.
  2. It was a direct “F-You!” to Timberwolves fans.

Being a Minnesotan with a passive-aggressive inferiority complex, I’m going with #2.  So “F-You!” back, L.A.  You have 11 championships.  Those other five were won in a rollerskating rink in Minnesota when there were three teams in the league.  The finals were decided by a coin toss and you don’t get to claim them unless you are intimately familiar with Hubert Humphrey or at the very least Louie Anderson.

My how the roles have flipped.  Minnesota is looking like a #4 seed and the Lakers are a place that Dwight Howard’s sad sack doesn’t even want to go to, so you definitely ain’t getting LeBron.  The only new big name you guys are getting is Jack Nicholson’s gastroenterologist. So suck it, Los Angeles.  You snowbirds couldn’t take the cold anyway.

Next up we play the Nets in Brooklyn, a team that will never ever attempt to wear a throw-back jersey:

bradley

Photo from s304.photobucket.com/user/nbacardDOTnet